Why does everyone else think my narcissist is a great person?

Spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie "Frozen" yet! 

Prince Hans of the Southern Isles appears to be the romantic hero of Disney's "Frozen" when he sweeps Princess Anna off her feet in a single evening. He seems to share all her interests, feel exactly like she does, and they even finish each other's...sandwiches.  He's handsome, charming, charismatic, and apparently Anna's dream man.

But in the end the truth comes out: It's all been an elaborate act. In reality Hans is only interested in himself, and he fooled not only Anna but everyone in her kingdom into believing he is a sensitive, beneficent, self-sacrificing leader.

You can make a good case that this Disney character is a narcissist. He certainly feels not the slightest remorse for his cruelties, and is smug and self-satisfied as far as his own morals and behavior. He's the ultimate user, he knows it and is proud of it.

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with a narcissist is that they, like Prince Hans, are brilliant at appearing to be wonderful. Unlike normal people, they do not let their behavior to be a reflection of their true thoughts and feelings. Rather, they gear it always as to be tool, a means to an end. This makes them remarkably successful at getting people on their side, either by impressing them or intimidating them. Their preferred approach with anyone who might, like Anna, be a means to power, is to seem as attractive, good, and wonderful as possible.

So don't be surprised at all if your narcissist is powerful, influential, popular, and considered by all around you to be a great guy. He's put a lot of effort into that while you were busy being genuine, doing and saying what your mind and heart told you to. 

If you're trying to break from your narcissist, you can bet he will redouble his efforts to be charming to anyone and everyone that you would want especially to see the truth about him. That includes any shared children he's fighting for, his new girlfriend, his and your relatives, your friends, your shared Facebook/Twitter friends and followers, the members of your church, therapists and social workers, and the judge deciding your children's custody. He will work hard, and he'll be good at it...he's had a lifetime of practice, including a significant part of time when he wooed you. Don't get too angry at those people; it's far more his fault than theirs. They, like most people, don't even know that narcissists exist or how they operate.

Undoubtedly you feel very driven to show the world what an evil person you've been dealing with, proving his guilt, and getting some justice. Those feelings are normal and understandable, and telling your side of the story is important and totally within your rights. But when you find yourself butting heads with people who just don't understand or believe you, sometimes the only person who gets hurt is you. And you've already suffered enough. Don't seek understanding from those people--you will only waste energy and bring yourself more frustration and disappointment, not to mention the erroneous but powerful feeling that you might be crazy.

Instead, go to people who do understand and believe you, most especially other victims of narcissists who totally get it. Again, I recommend the Narcissists group on www.supportgroups.com, where there are plenty of people who will believe every word you say about your narc because they know narcissists. 

As far as crusading to convince the world your narc is evil, as Elsa would say: "Let it go." The less you think about that crusade, the better off you'll be. And after all, living well is the best revenge. Focus more on your being happy and less on his being miserable, and you will be far better off.

Just how different is a narcissist from regular people?

We've touched on the qualities that make a narcissist:  self-centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of shame, etc. But today I just want to emphasize to you the importance of fully grasping the difference between a narc and human beings like you and me.

I recently read a book by Deepak Chopra in which he talked about soul as the immutable thing that connects all human beings together. Deepak suggested that when we feel love, or selflessness, or empathy for other people, we are connecting to our fellow humans via this spiritual plane that joins us all. I envisioned the realm of soul as a field of light and warmth, over which is placed the physical world like a blanket or sheet. Each one of us is like a tiny hole poked through that sheet, revealing the light of the soul beyond.

It struck me then that narcissists are beings that have chosen to utterly block that hole, to cut themselves off from love and connection. They want to be totally self-contained and self-reliant, trusting no one but themselves. They want to have it all, to share nothing, and therefore abhor the soul connection that brings obligations to other people. In a sense therefore they are soulless. And without a doubt, they are as different from normal human "points of light" as night is from day.

Regardless of whether this model appeals to you, I think the analogy is a good one. Do not for a moment make the mistake that the narcissist has some humanity as you have come to understand that term. If he is acting like he loves you and pouring flattery on you, rest assured this is an act designed to manipulate you. Don't expect him ever to change his ways, sincerely repent of any act, or feel regret, guilt or shame--none of that is in his repertoire. If he behaves generously, kindly, magnanimously towards others, you can bet it's all to keep up the facade of his own goodness. He may fool the rest of the world--narcs are brilliant at that--but don't for a moment let him fool you.

In the online support group where I work to help victims of narcs, I have on two occasions encountered people posting who had read the traits of narcissists and were scared that they were narcs. They felt terrible for the cruelties they inflicted on loved ones, and wanted to know if there was some way they could be cured of their NPD. In both cases I assured the individuals that if they were writing truthfully, they could not possibly be narcissists.

There are most definitely people in the world who are cruel and selfish because they were spoiled as children, because they are deeply insecure, etc. These characteristics are faults we all exhibit from time to time. There are lots of reasons why people become bullies or egotists, and in most cases if they are sincerely interested in changing, they can. There is a difference between such people and narcissists. These individuals are teeny, tiny pinpricks through to the realm of the soul. For that reason they can see their own faults, they can feel guilt for their misdeeds and empathy for those they've hurt. They have the wherewithal to enlarge those pinpricks and access more light.

But not narcissists. Narcissists would call such people weak and stupid. They would laugh at their remorse and find it disgusting. They would inwardly boast of their superiority to such fools. And not in a million years would they have any interest in the light...in fact, they can't begin to understand it.

I don't know why there are people like this in the world...psychologists are baffled by the phenomenon. I wish there were some way to help them, but there's not--they will never change. The important thing to take away from this post is a recognition of the vast difference between narcs and the rest of our species. In all your dealings with them and your decisions concerning them, never let this fact slip out of your attention. None of us were raised even guessing people could be this way, so it takes effort to remember it's true.

Sad, but very true.

What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won't be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

• 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
• This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
• Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
• Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
• It boosts the brain's abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can't think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don't worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That's all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn't seem logical...you'd like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn't. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach's "Gateway to Presence" which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra's works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

Why am I still in love with my narcissist?

There is no question in your mind that your narcissist spouse/partner/lover is ruining your life. He's manipulative, cruel, abusive, controlling, horrible in every way. You are miserable with him. Perhaps you've even left him, broken up with him already.

But you still love him.

You dream of being back together. You fantasize that he will beg you to come back. You think about him all day. You just want him to love you.

It's quite likely that you also feel like the world's biggest fool, that you are still holding a candle for someone who has done nothing but hurt you. You alternate between pining for him and beating yourself up for being an idiot. Your emotions don't make sense but you can't make them stop. You wonder if you've lost your mind.

Well, you aren't crazy, you aren't stupid, you aren't a fool. You're simply being the exact person your narcissist has spent months and years molding you into. This situation is less about you and any shortcomings in your personality or sanity, and more about the amazing talent your narc has for molding and shaping other humans into what he wants them to be.

Over the course of your relationship, the narc has subtly, craftily convinced you that he is the true judge of what makes a woman desirable. If you can make him love and want you, then and only then will you have proven your worth as a human being. Meanwhile, he has rewired your brain into abject devotion to meeting his needs. Maybe he used the approach of making you want to be the only one who truly understands him, or the only one who will put up with him, or the only one who can make him happy. So now without that purpose to your life, you feel meaningless. Or maybe he used a more negative approach, punishing you with ridicule, anger, or criticism whenever you failed to devote yourself to him and let him have his way. So now you're terrified that you've rebelled in heart or in action, and wish you could escape that fear by being obedient again.

Whatever the technique the narcissist has used on you, the result was some form of this: he trained you to stay in the relationship. So now, of course, you find yourself wanting to stay in the relationship. You think it gives you purpose, proves your self-worth, keeps you safe from retribution. Loving him, even though there are so many reasons to hate him, is safer and easier and can in fact seem like the only solution.

This is exactly how the psychological condition called "Stockholm Syndrome" works. Wikipedia explains the syndrome thus:

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

There are logical reasons for why victims of abuse experience these feelings that seem on their face to be so illogical. As Wikipedia states, "Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat." In other words, you coped with the narc's abuse by perceiving it as a kind of affection. If he was cruel to you, it was because you mattered enough to him that he chose to give you that intense attention. No matter that the "attention" was negative and abusive--in order to bear up, your mind found ways to look at it as acceptable, deserved, positive.

The result of this is that your brain has been trained so that you no longer have normal means of protecting yourself. If another woman who hadn't been abused by a narc was dropped into your place, she would dump your narcissist within a day of experiencing how he treats you. Family and friends may have been telling you for a long time to leave him because they look at his behavior clearly. But your psyche is your narc's life's work...he put his whole effort into making you into a creature that takes what he dishes out and is happy to come back for more.

So you do still feel love for him. But you shouldn't. That love is not coming from your heart but from your programmed brain. The only way to get yourself free is to break through the fear, anxiety, and shame and look what has happened to you right in the face. Strip the mask off your narc and let yourself feel genuine emotion over what's been done to you. That can be very scary, but after you've processed that real emotion, trust me, you'll come out a whole person on the other side. Figure out his games, unravel the lies. Do not have any contact with him, including cyberstalking and following him on social media. If he tries to get you back, DON'T DO IT. And recover your self-worth not by caving and going back to a hellish existence with him, but by seeing clearly the great person you are and all you have to offer the world.

Lean on anyone in your life who understands, supports you, believes in you, and thinks you are a good person. Have patience with how hard it can be for others to understand what narcissistic victims go through, and look for the well-meaning behind their actions. Do things you enjoy--revive old hobbies, find the things that used to engage you before life became all about him. Choose to do what's right for YOU...this is the time for that.

There is one other thing that I personally believe can make a huge difference to narc victims who are trapped in feelings of love and stuck in their efforts to change. I will talk all about that in the next post.

How can I cope with the narcissist I'm unable to leave?

As we discussed in the last post, the best policy is to cut out all contact with the narcissist in your life. But some victims of narcs don't have that luxury. Maybe you absolutely don't have the means to move out. Maybe you have moved apart but share children and are therefore required to have regular contact. Maybe you are planning to separate, but can't do so quite yet for practical reasons.

At any rate, you are forced to live with or communicate with your narcissistic abuser. Does that mean you have to continue without any relief in enduring the nightmare of his treatment?

As hard as it is--and I know from experience how hard--there are things you can do to make life a little bit easier on you. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Pick your battles.

As usual, the narc will demand you comply with his desires in all things. But now that you know the score and understand what he has been doing to you, you no longer feel like cowtowing to his every whim. There are issues where you should take a stand--when what he asks causes you a great deal of pain--and there are issue where complying is merely a slight inconvenience. Don't force issues that aren't important and try to minimize the conflict when you can.

2.  Subtly encourage him to seek supply elsewhere.

When you were a young child (in the case of an N-parent) or first in love (in the case of an N-mate/spouse), you were trained into the role of supporting your narcissist emotionally. You were taught to give attention, care, praise, etc. Maybe this made you feel needed and important...or maybe you were afraid not to provide these things to the narc. Either way, you were an eager and cooperative source of his narcissistic supply.

If you can find any way to do so, pull back on your attentiveness. Don't offer anything that isn't strictly demanded of you. Meanwhile, if you see your narc getting supply elsewhere, encourage that and don't prevent it. If you're fortunate, you may be able to shift yourself out of his main field of attention and have a bit more freedom.

[Sidebar: I am highly uncomfortable recommending you encourage your narc's abuse of some other poor individual. This is something to employ as a last resort for your own survival, until you are able to escape the narcissist altogether.]

3.  As much as you are able, turn your focus from the narcissist to positive things.

It's commonplace for narcissist victims to think about their narcs constantly. We become hypervigilant, watching frantically for the next crisis to occur, imagining in advance what it might be. We ponder the injustices, nurse our wounds, inwardly lament our lot. We focus on our fear, our anger, our shame. All these emotional responses are perfectly normal and natural. To a certain extent they are even necessary survival mechanisms.

The problem is if we dwell too much on these things, they will slowly destroy us. Misery, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions evoke destructive brain chemicals and trigger physical problems all over the body. Sickness, depression, and all manner of badness follows.

You need some happiness to survive, and that means learning to enjoy the good things in life even while you endure the bad. You need to resist the temptation to "run scenarios" of future disasters, and learn to trust that if the bad comes, you can deal with it just as effectively by instinct in the moment than if you had rehearsed ahead for hours in your imagination. You need to turn from focusing solely on the narc's demands and think about yourself, your needs, and the things you do that satisfy them. You need to learn to fully experience and appreciate the good times in your life: time spent on a hobby, a lunch with a friend, a game with your kids, even just a pretty sunrise, a tasty cookie, a smile from a clerk at the supermarket.

To achieve these things, I recommend you investigate the practice of mindfulness. There are wonderful sources all over the internet, and excellent books galore, on this approach to living life more in the moment. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven stress reducer. It helps PTSD sufferers recover. It is useful for anyone trying to find a more peaceful existence or get their rampaging negative emotions in check.

Meanwhile, I also encourage you to consider the possibility of meditation. This practice can work beautifully hand-in-hand with mindfulness to reduce stress and its negative effects on the mind and body. Even ten minutes a day can be absolutely transformative for those who feel their lives are out of control and that they are at the mercy of their emotions.

4.  Continue your research.

Keep reading online or in books about narcissists and what it's like to be victimized by one. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand what is happening to you, the more in control you will be even if you cannot fully escape your narcissist.

5.  Keep a journal.

A secret one of course! Expressing your thoughts about what is happening to you is a good way to vent, and can also help clarify issues and suggest solutions. I pooh-poohed this idea until I tried it myself, and it was a great help to me.

6.  Make sure you have support.

I went completely alone in dealing with my narcissist ex-husband, except for relying on the love of my very young daughters. That was no way to live and it probably was a big factor in my staying with him as long as I did. Confide in a trusted friend or relative. Seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. For practical matters, consider having a lawyer involved as well.

You may learn that it's hard to find people who understand your situation, especially if they know your narcissist too and have been (as usually happens) bamboozled by his charms and outwardly attractive appearance. Make sure your support network includes someone who really gets it and believes you....this is essential. If you can't find anyone in your present acquaintance to fit the bill, find someone online. I heartily recommend the Narcissist group on SupportGroups.com, where I am involved at the time of this writing. There are many victims of narcissists posting there (you can read what they have to say anonymously without joining if you want), and the best thing they do is prove to fellow victims that they are not crazy, or bad, or messed up.

7.  Strive towards the ultimate goal of no contact.

I pray you will find ways to alleviate the struggle of having to interact with your narcissist. Only a fellow victim truly understands how hard it is. I also encourage you to act toward the eventual total break from this terrible person, and keep that hope before you to sustain you. The sooner that day comes, the better--and I hope it will be soon!

What is staying with my narcissist doing to me?

I'm sure you have a lot of answers to that question yourself. He is tormenting you, hurting your self-image, confusing you, immobilizing you. But there's a way of looking at all this that I think is very important for every victim of a narcissist.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster."

Those of us who fight narcs are indeed doing just that--fighting monsters, beings who desire their own pleasure at any cost, without conscience, without empathy, without mercy, and who are incapable of reform. In wrestling with them every day, verbally, emotionally, we are locked in combat with creatures who use the worst possible trickery and deceit. This is not a matter of a white knight jousting a black knight. Think instead of a priest battling a demon.

The narcissist will do all he can to confuse you, convincing you his lies are truth. He will belittle you and persuade you that you are crazy, or weak, or despicable. And meanwhile, he has everyone around you convinced that he is smart, attractive, kind, together, and utterly sane. Now combine this with his skill at controlling and intimating you through shame and fear, as if you were prisoner in a foul, dank dungeon without hope of escape.

It's no wonder so many victims of narcissistic abuse turn to alcohol and drugs to numb their pain, or go into deep depressions, unable to get out of bed to face the day. It's no wonder they have panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, cry uncontrollably or lash out in rage.

Then there are those victims who are so successful at playing the game, burying their pain and sublimating their anger that they detach from much of reality. These are the types most likely to suffer post traumatic stress syndrome once free of their narcissist.

No matter how you individually cope with the abuse, one thing is sure: it's turning you into a monster. The narc by nature is trying to drive all goodness from you--your happiness, love, pride, hope, joy, and aspirations for the future. He wants to make you into a monster in your own right, his pet monster, unable to function or do good. If you have to drink or take drugs to get through your day, you are not the person you were born to be. If you are emotionally crippled, or your physical health is suffering, or you contemplate suicide, you are not the person you have every right to be.

Do you want to become a monster? I didn't think so!

The way to avoid this fate is to NOT fight. The best thing to do is FLEE. Only by removing the narcissist from your life, avoiding contact with him as much as you can, forgetting him as much as you're able, and moving ahead in life without that toxicity, can you become fully human again.

I recognize, as always, that this isn't easy. Splitting with a narc can require such sacrifices as losing your home, your kids, other relatives, friends, money, your reputation. You may still be in love with him or feel another sort of familial duty. You are probably terrified of repercussions of all sorts.

But I can say to you unequivocally that to the extent that you stay tied to your narcissist, you will remain under the power of the monster. You will not be able to live a happy, fulfilled life. No matter how hard you work to appease him, you will still be a prisoner, and you will be not yourself, but the monster he wants you to be.

Two words: No contact.

And a few more words: For those of you who can't go no contact, for example who share children with a narc, I will have some advice and suggestions for minimizing the monster's power over your life in the next post.

How can I find the strength to fight my narcissist?

You've heard the expression about combat, "Take the high ground"? That's because the high ground is a strategical advantage in warfare. It's a position of power, a clearer and broader viewpoint, easier to defend.

Well, victims of narcissists always have to start fighting from the low ground, and that's the challenge. The narc, with his abundant self-love, perfect self-image, charm, and ruthlessness always has the advantage. His victim is hampered by poor self-image, years of being intimidated into submission, self-doubt, and confusion. She is also at a disadvantage because she has moral compunctions and cares for others. She may still feel love and concern for her narcissist. She may be hindered by caring about other loved ones standing in the cross-fire...especially shared children or other family members.

All these factors typically keep you, the victim, in thrall--trapped and feeling powerless for years. It may seem like there is no escape, no hope. My mom never saw a way clear of the fortress in which my father trapped her, and she died still under his control even while her heart rebelled. Whether you have decided to break from your narc or are still struggling to determine if you should try, undoubtedly you too feel little confidence in your possibilities of success.

I would like to suggest to you that since you are reading this, since you have entertained the possibility of freedom if not actually chosen to pursue it, that means there has already been some sort of crack in your narcissist's armor. There is already a breach, no matter how small, in the foundations of the prison in which he holds you.

You have seen that you are a victim, that evil has been done to you, and there is already a flame burning in your heart, a desire to escape. That desire, dear friend, is your ultimate weapon against your captor. It is the very thing the narc fears most. The stronger it grows, the less power he has.

The tiny flicker of knowledge that he is a twisted soul who has managed to imprison you
means
he no longer controls all your thoughts and beliefs.

The little flame of hope that you can find a way out
means
he no longer has your will completely enslaved.

The rising flame of anger
means
your self-esteem is growing.

The low burning fire of determination
means
his techniques of intimidation and punishment are losing their efficacy.

The brightly burning fire of your first steps of rebellion
means
you are now tapping into the energy of your formerly quenched, natural drive toward happiness.

The roaring blaze of defying him
means
in the end you are going to win, because you have already begun shattering his weapons.

So I say, cling to your desire to be free and happy, believe you can be no matter what he says and does, and do everything you can to nurture the fire.

And remember, you have something else on your side that he doesn't: you have good. He is a force for evil, and as long as he had your cooperation, you were a force for evil too, even though you didn't want to be. Deny him the weapons of your sympathy, pity, and even your general compassion for others. Anything you give him will not be used for his benefit, only for your further torment. Now you have switched sides, and the contest is now one vs. one. Do all you can to remind yourself that you are in the right, you are fighting on the side of love and happiness. Until you are fully free and clear of him emotionally, be steadfast in your rebellion. The longer you hold strong, the easier it will become.

Take one step, then the next, and if you fall back, keep going. And hold before you the beacon of your desire to be happy--no matter what, don't let it die, and you will win.

Will a narcissistic father make it hard for me to judge potential mates properly?

If you are a female raised by a narcissist father, there is a strong risk of your dating and marrying another narcissistic man. I fell into this trap and it cost me a lot of years of happiness, so I want to try to help other girls and women like myself to avoid doing what I did.

Young girls naturally learn a great deal about the nature of males by watching their fathers. They also learn how husbands treat their wives by watching how their dads treat their moms. Narc fathers demand that their wives and children cater to them. They don't show empathy. They are always right and no one is allowed to refute or disobey them. The mother of the family typically cowtows to the N-dad because he has successfully crushed her will, so she usually encourages the children to do as she does, even if on some level she resents her husband. Thus, both by mimicking the mom and according to her instruction, a daughter follows in her footsteps and fears and obeys Dad.

Knowing nothing different, a little girl will assume her narcissist father is simply a normal adult male. She may even feel uncomfortable around "nice" adult men, not understanding their behavior. And certainly when it comes to attraction, she will be drawn to males who are like what she knows: demanding, self-absorbed types.

There is another key factor at play which makes matters even worse. Undoubtedly the daughter of a narc father has been taught to please the man at all costs, and probably made to feel she will never quite succeed in pleasing Dad. This is especially bad in a situation where there is a "Golden Child" in the family, and the father uses triangulation... treating the Golden Child like she is perfect, while constantly putting down the Victim Child for not measuring up to the sibling. As this daughter grows up, she will be desperate to prove herself by being desirable to and loved by another difficult male figure.

Along comes another narc guy, seeking a female victim, especially one that will be driven above all to please him. He can show this young woman the slightest potential for love and admiration, and she will be eating out of his hand. Before long he can lapse into the same abusive behaviors as her father, and since she only expects that kind of treatment, she won't even dream of leaving him.

Next thing you know, the narcissist/victim relationship repeats itself.

How can you, as a narc's victim, break out of this pattern? Can you ever trust yourself to fall for a decent guy?

Well, of course you can. The first step has already been taken: you recognize that your father is a narcissist. If you break down his behaviors and understand how he was manipulating you, you can easily learn to recognize how these sorts of men operate. You may still find yourself attracted to narcissistic men--guys that are showy, self-confident, haughty, and controlling--but you know now that they absolutely can't give you what you are really looking for. All they offer you is more pain.

You may find yourself feeling a bit like the nice guys are "too easy to please," and therefore their affection doesn't have value. But this is just your training talking, telling you that the thing you most desire is to appeal to the man who is tyrannical and has impossible expectations, and ultimately meet those expectations and prove yourself. You can escape that training, and see this as the Impossible Dream it always was. You can substitute for that Impossible Dream the hope of receiving real love from a kind, empathetic man who wants to care for you and make you happy.

You may also have been made by your narc father to feel like you are undesirable, you don't deserve to be loved. You may feel hopeless or desperate or unwilling to open yourself up to other men. Again, this is all your training talking--it isn't real. The more you recognize and understand what has been done to you, the more you will see reality. That includes recognizing you are a good person, someone desirable, someone who deserves to be loved. Don't listen to the voice of the narc in your head. Find your own voice, the voice of truth, and give yourself time to get in sync with reality.

The fact that you have survived a narcissistic relationship actually makes you better equipped to choose a good mate. You have an intimate knowledge of a whole array of bad relationship techniques and experiences, so that when you encounter them again, alarms will go off at once. It will not be your first rodeo, and you can apply what you know from experience to help you act wisely.

And remember that narcissists are an aberration in human society, and there really are plenty of good men in the world. You truly will recognize them when you get to know them...I did, and I was only a couple months out of a 15 year marriage to a narc. The utterly refreshing character of my new guy was easy to spot: his honestly, guilelessness, and genuine desire to love someone were crystal clear to me, and I married him two years later. We've been together now for 22 years and counting.

Getting over a childhood of narcissistic abuse is not easy, but it most certainly can be done--you can do it. Take the time to recover, and you will learn to make fine choices, regain your confidence, and recognize people you can trust...even someone you can trust to love you for many years to come.

Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it's always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we've talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don't feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they "repent" or apologize, it's simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness...if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he's treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don't psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years--perhaps a lifetime--constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you've done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It's time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It's time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won't send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you've been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won't be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can't be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won't affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it...you've earned it. Let yourself receive it.

Are there any exercises that would help me make sense of the confusion my narcissist causes me?

Any victim of a narcissist has experienced lots of confusion. First, there's the fact that as a normal person you cannot fathom the way the narcissist's mind works, so you're frequently surprised or even shocked by his behavior. Second, there's the fact that in order to stay in control, narcs often lie and do all they can to convince their victims to believe in the alternate, fictitious reality that suits their purposes. Third, the narcissist loves confusing you just for its own sake--it's a rush to see your head spin, your conviction crumble, and your emotions go into turmoil.

You can fight your way out of this confusion, but it will take effort and time. I'd like to give you a few suggestions to encourage this process.

Hold Court

In my case, the first exercise I found really helpful was to do all I could to prove to myself my father and ex-husband truly had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I literally copied off the web several lists of traits of narcissists and wrote specific examples from my experience that showed these guys had NPD. Whenever I felt guilt, shame, fear, or loss of resolve, I reread the "rap sheet" to remind myself through concrete example that I had been the victim of messed-up people who had wanted nothing except to use me.

I found the lists on this website particularly helpful in my case. Search the internet for lists that hit home to you and your particular situation. Do as I did (I do recommend actually writing it down for later reference) and hold a little trial for your narcissist, making the case to yourself and proving a conviction. Every time you feel yourself schwaffling, reread your trial transcript. Add more examples if it helps you. And remember, just because you can think of times when the narc seemed to care or did something nice doesn't get him off the hook. Any criminal "does things right" when it serves his purpose. But innocent people don't make a lifestyle out of cruel behavior like your narc did/does.

Let Your Feelings Out

Victims of narcissists spend their lives appeasing the one they serve. More often than not, that includes stifling the normal human response to abuse. A classic example from my life is when my then-husband confessed an affair he'd been having just as it was falling apart. He was in despair over losing this love interest and actually told me about it just so he could get sympathy and understanding. Believe it or not (maybe you do!), I buried my feelings of betrayal and despair and devoted myself to listening to his sob story and comforting him! Classic Stockholm Syndrome at work there.

I have no doubt that you can look back on your relationship with your narc and find plenty of occasions when your needs and feelings went unnoticed and it was all about the narcissist. You may well have not even taken particular notice that this was happening. Well, it's time to look back on those times and let yourself feel and express what you should have been able to experience then. It's time to let it be about YOU. Imagine or write down how you would have reacted had you not been in thrall to the narc. The more you do this, the clearly it will become to you what a warped, unfair, lopsided relationship you had, and how much you suffered at the hands of your narcissist. It won't be long before you start losing the feelings of guilt and fear that plague you now. Reality will have its way!

Mindfulness

If you're like me, your narcissist's-victim-training included indoctrination into a world of fear. Now that you are daring to consider rebelling against the will of your narc, naturally your emotional response is terror, panic and terrible anxiety. No matter what logic you apply to the situation to convince yourself you are not in danger, these emotions will assault you. I found myself not only terrified, but also hyper-vigilant. I couldn't help but run scenarios in my head all day and night of what might happen. My father would call me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. Or kill my pets, or burn down my house. All these imagined torments filled me with as much fear as if they were really happening.

One of the best ways to deal with imagined horrors in any circumstance is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings your attention back to what is really happening to you and around you, rather than what is happening in your imagination as you fret and worry. It breaks the cycle of your fear causing you to envision frightening things, which in turn maintain your fear. It can be as simple as switching your attention to the sensations around you right now, such as how your clothes feel, what you are smelling, and the objects you see in the room. The whole point is to get out of your head and into reality, where at the moment you are perfectly safe.

This webpage has an excellent explanation of how anxiety works, as well as a simple introduction to meditation to alleviate it. Meditation simply involves focusing on your breathing in order to direct your thoughts away from the imagined terrors. Meditation and mindfulness were key elements to my setting aside the crippling fear that came along with splitting with my narcissist.

What these three exercises have in common is helping you to escape the world the narcissist has trained you to believe in, and reconnect with the real world, your true feelings, and your actual circumstances. Working on these things will not only break the narc's power over you but start you down the path to emotional recovery and a much happier life.

What do I do about feeling so guilty for defying my narcissist?

One of the hardest things you have to face now is the tremendous guilt you feel for not accommodating your narcissist. After all, we're talking about a very significant person in your life. If it's your boyfriend/girlfriend, it's someone with whom you were planning to spend your foreseeable future. If a spouse, you committed yourself, you took vows. If a parent, sibling, or child, they are your flesh and blood. These sorts of relationships are not supposed to be broken.

But now you've decided to break with someone you never dreamed you'd abandon or shun. It seems absolutely crazy, and every voice in your head--along with at least a few outside your head--are telling you a decent person would find a way toward reconciliation. "You can't heal without forgiveness." "No one is beyond saving." "Your Christian duty." Yada yada yada.

Here's the thing: You, the voices in your head, your friends and advisors, and a whole bunch of self-help books are not taking one very important thing into account: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All these rules of society, principles of human nature, tried-and-true adages are for dealing with normal human beings. Narcs are not normal human beings. In certain ways, they are not human beings at all, but more like psychological vampires, creatures that suck the joy and strength from humans. Or like aliens who take over the will of humans and force them to do their bidding.

Forgiveness means nothing genuine to people like this, because they cannot ever fathom that they have done something wrong. Reconciliation doesn't mean to them what it does to you, it only means the well of attention and devotion is no longer dry and can be tapped again. Lifelong commitment is something they cannot and will not understand, even if they stay attached to you for your entire life, like my dad did with my mom. All it means is that their victim never managed to put a stop to the abuse, like my mom failed to do with my dad.

You must keep all this in mind when you start to feel guilty. You don't feel guilty for ridding your body of an infection, for driving an intruder from your house, or for not giving your credit card to a stranger to use. You don't apologize for wanting to drive them away!

Don't mistake empty titles for true bonds. "Husband" is a label, not a character trait. So is "Mom" or "Brother." The narcissist has never functioned in your life as a real lover, father, sibling, true friend, so he doesn't get to hide behind the protection of a title.

Likewise, you need to tear down the facade you created for your narc. Most victims of narcissists manage to survive their day-to-day lives by inwardly minimize the crimes of their abusers, and believing in false versions of their narcs that actually possess the characteristics associated with their role. You may play down your husband's cruelty as "crabbiness," or your mother's insults as "having high standards." You might play up the occasional kindnesses or believe in faked acts of niceness, so desperate are you for love and affection.

The fault is not yours. Your narcissist has made a career of training you to be his puppet and think what he wants you to think. He's used positive and negative reinforcement, lying, gaslighting, threats, and every form of mental and emotional manipulation to control your feelings. You have been brainwashed to believe it's always your fault, he's always right (or at least in control), you are wrong unless you agree with him, and there's nothing wrong with him, it's all you. So naturally any disobedience on your part, much less an actual full-stage rebellion, is going to make you feel terrible guilt and fear!

What can you do about it? You have to reprogram your brain and heart. You have to deliberately counterattack, consistently and often, with reason and logic. Examine all your thoughts and feelings in the light of this new information and reality. Figure out what your narcissist is really like, what he was really doing all along. Understand how you have been duped and manipulated. Reconsider all the thoughts and feelings you used to dismiss as crazy or inappropriate. Reevaluate them and see how you were the normal one, there were real reasons for what you thought and felt. Review your past history and analyze what was actually happening. Make sense of it all in this new light.

I recommend you also express all this in some form. Journaling is really helpful in straightening out all the confusion and making ideas concrete, as well as venting pent up and buried emotions. Finding a trustworthy, loving person to talk with throughout the process is key, whether it be a friend or a professional.

I also want to suggest some specific exercises that might be as helpful to you as they were to me, So we'll look at those in the next post.

Why should I go "no contact" with my narcissist?

This is the first time I have used the phrase "no contact," but it certainly won't be the last. I'm here today to convince you that the only effective way to escape the clutches of a narc is to make a clean and complete break from him.

Of course it may be, particularly in the case of separating from a spouse with whom you've had children, that practical considerations prevent you from cutting off all communication. In that event you can do no better than limit contact to the minimum requirement, and work vigilantly to keep your emotions out of your interactions. Meanwhile, you will need to support your children as they cope with having a narcissistic parent. The whole subject of co-parenting with a narcissist is broad and huge, and I will address related topics over time. For now, a good place to start is this link. There are many excellent resources like this online that you can find googling "co-parenting with a narcissist."

But assuming that practically speaking you are able to do it, the no contact rule is ironclad. Why? First, because any emotional connection with a narcissist is toxic. Second, because you have an established relationship as the narc's victim and there is absolutely nothing you can do to reframe it--the narcissist will undermine your efforts every time. He will adapt to your determination to change things by either (1) forcing you back into your old role using the same tried-and-true tactics he has always used, or (2) deciding you're no longer worth the trouble and cutting you out of his life himself, at least until you come crawling back.

Remember what we've already discussed about how narcissists operate: he doesn't have genuine human feelings for you, he simply views you as the means to an end. He needs you to supply him with praise, attention, obedience, and any other emotional support he's craving at the time. If you come to him with ideas about getting more attention yourself, getting a break from giving to him all the time, being treated better, being made to feel more loved, etc....well, there's nothing in any of those proposals for him, so he will not be interested in supporting or fostering them. If he says he is, rest assured he is lying. It's not in his nature to want any of them.

If your narcissist judges that your mind is made up, and there is no way he can bend your will this time, he will cut you off without shedding a single tear. And believe me, that's the easiest result. If it happens to you, rejoice!

If on the other hand he senses you do not really have conviction, that on some level you want to be talked out of your decision, he will immediately commence plotting the best way to get you back in line. He will probably try some of these things:

• Apologizing profusely and promising to change
• Doing something really nice like giving you a gift or performing a romantic gesture
• Convincing you that you have judged him wrongly
• Demonstrating to you that you are actually at fault for the problems
• Threatening you with some sort of punishment
• Meeting your rejection with equal rejection because he knows it will "scare you straight"

He may attempt these things right away, or employ them down the line, but regardless the key is not to give in. And that's why no contact is so important. If you dismantle all means for him to communicate with you, he won't be able to manipulate you. That is your best line of defense.

So do not see him face to face, do not answer his phone calls, do not read his texts or emails. Unfriend him on Facebook, don't stalk him in any form of social media. If you don't have the resolve to ignore his attempts at communication and have to resort to changing your phone number, email address, screen names, etc., then do it. I know it can be hard if you are both invited to parties or family gatherings, but this may require you to sacrifice some aspects of your other relationships too. Some of those people will understand, others won't. But that doesn't alter the importance of what you are doing by going no contact.

The reason for it is not only to protect yourself from his influence, but also to drive home the point that he can no longer use you. Once he clearly and certainly has grasped that fact, he will probably leave you alone and move on to finding someone else to victimize. And again, that's the happiest possible ending for you.

Having him out of sight will also help you put him out of mind. There is a grieving process you must go through, a sorting out of your beliefs and a reframing of your memories, and these things will all take time. But the ultimate goal is for you to move on and rarely have to think about (certainly not with great emotion) your relationship with the narcissist. As long as he is involved in your life in some way, this challenge is made more difficult.

Going no contact is tough, but there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself. That's what we'll be talking about in the next post.

I want to escape my narcissist--what happens now?

I imagine one of two things has occurred in your life:

1. Your narc rejected you, broke up with you, or otherwise caused a rift; or 
2. You yourself have reached a crisis point where you can't take it anymore.

Regardless of which of these is the impetus for your wanting to make a change--and it can be a combination of both--odds are that what happens next will be the same. You will second guess yourself. Severely and repeatedly. Doubt, confusion, fear and guilt will well up in you. And while this is happening, one or more of these other forces could come into play:

1. The narcissist will say/do things to either make you feel guilty or woo you back.
2. Other family members, friends, or involved third parties will urge a reconciliation.
3. Practical considerations will arise to make a change seem daunting or even impossible.

All this can make the idea of truly removing this toxic person from your life seem like a roadblock as large as Mount Everest. But YOU CAN DO IT. You are not alone, there is help. And part of that help is me. I will break down this immense task into smaller, more manageable pieces, and advise you in every way I can of the tools and approaches you can employ to make it easier.

The first place to begin is with yourself. Because whatever other people are telling you, the ultimate authority on your life is YOU. Those others don't have the firsthand knowledge of what you've been through. They don't know you or your abuser the way you do. They probably have no understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or how it works. Why should you heed the advice of people who aren't experts, nor are they fully informed? Meanwhile, you can be certain of your own motives: you want to be able to have the happiness that is your right as a decent human being. But other people (especially your narc) have their own agendas; even if they love you, they are also thinking of themselves.

You, like any other human, deserve the freedom to determine your own fate and pursue happiness. No one has the right to tell you to allow yourself to be abused. It is never a good thing for any member of society to be victimized--society at large always suffers when abuse is tolerated. The right thing in this case, in your case, is for the abuser to be stripped of his power, and the victim supported and given the tools to heal.

So take the time and make the effort today to recognize that you have worth, your happiness matters, and you don't have to take it anymore. Embrace these ideas now and over and over again through your doubts. Recognize this will take work but commit yourself to not turning back. And change your focus from being on others to being on yourself for awhile, for you will need to nurture yourself in many ways to get through this life change.

In the posts to come, I will work through piece by piece the tasks ahead, the pitfalls to conquer, and the tools to help you make your way. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the goal: finding piece of mind, love, joy, self-confidence, and all the other benefit that come from getting free of a narcissist.

Why shouldn't I just cooperate with my narcissist?

There's absolutely no question that the easiest approach to having a narc in your life is to cooperate with him. That, of course, is the way he has deliberately arranged life for you: do as he says, and things will be okay, but disobey and there will be a price. The thing is, there is also a price to be paid for chronically complying with a narcissist's demands, and it's much worse in the end.

Sometime before I born, my mother learned to cave to narcissists. Perhaps her own father or brother were in that category, or perhaps she only had my dad to deal with. At any rate, from the earliest moment I my childhood that I can recall, there was one overarching principle in place in my house: do NOT do anything to irritate my father. Rebellion of any kind was absolutely out of the question for us both. Sometimes, being a small child, I failed to anticipate my dad's requirements, or just didn't have the emotional wherewithal to meet his demands. The cruel response to these misdeeds drove me all the more to avoid such situations at all costs. My father didn't apply physical abuse, but he sure knew how to belittle, shame, and terrify. My mom was sometimes sympathetic, but more often upset with me for upsetting my dad. I knew his abusive tactics were the same for my mom, but I didn't fully appreciate the horrors of her life until the poor woman had passed.

My life story eventually had a happy ending. But the sad story of my mom demonstrates what can happen to the narcissist's victim if she never fights back. For over 50 years Mom stayed in a largely miserable relationship, not even recognizing that she had other options. She was a professional with a college degree and excellent job experience throughout her adult life, but she couldn't muster the courage to leave the misery behind and strike out on her own. I have no doubt that she was crippled by the same fear of my father's retribution that prevented me from disobeying him even when he was elderly and almost helpless.

That's what happens eventually: Your mind is warped by the years of emotional manipulation until you can't even see any way out. And you can also have the classic traits of the sufferer of narcissistic abuse forced upon you: chronic anxiety, depression, poor self-image, hyper-vigilance, confusion, lack of confidence, etc. Meanwhile, you develop the classic symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome, experienced by kidnappees and prisoners of war. You sympathize with your abuser, make excuses for him and defend him, and devote yourself all the more to trying to please him.

With such a warped view of yourself and the world around you, you cannot function as a healthy, successful person. These issues affect your relationships, your job, and your health, both mental and physical.

Imagine if you lived in a house full of mold, and for some strange reason were convinced there was no way to get rid of it and nowhere else for you to live. Eventually that mold would destroy your health. Well, you are sharing your life with a person who is just as toxic as that mold. You can continue to sit in your chair and breathe in the mold until it kills you, or you can eradicate it from your life.

Just imagine that clean house, and how wonderful it would be to breathe freely....

Why can I not help feeling so anxious and scared of my narcissist?

[Let me begin by saying you're in a good place simply for recognizing that you are anxious and scared. Fear of the narcs in my life was such a normal condition I didn't even recognize it as fear. The first step for me--and possibly also for you--was to stop pushing my feelings under the rug and examine what they really were.]

Let's look again at how the narcissist operates when dealing with his victim. He is a master of training and manipulation. For the thoughts, feelings, and actions you commit of which he approves, there will be a reward. Of course oftentimes that reward isn't anything much better than the avoidance of disapproval, but sometimes it will actually be praise, a smile, physical affection, kindly words. Meanwhile, for every thought, feeling, or action you commit of which he dislikes, there will most certainly be a punishment.

Especially if the narc in your life is someone who has interacted with you since you were a child, you will also be trained to believe that the acts of reward equate to love, while the punishments are simply your just desserts for misbehaving. Let's pause and take a closer look at this.

First of all--and this is crucial for you to grasp--real love is unconditional. If someone genuinely loves you, that outlook will color all their doings with you, when you are "good," when you are "bad," and when it's just an ordinary day and you are average. It will not only come into play when you are behaving in the way the person wants you to. Think back on your relationship with your suspected narcissist. If you find it hard to think of a time when you felt like he valued and treasured you even when you had failed or disappointed him, the guy is a narc. Don't fool yourself by thinking, "Well, lots of times he was really nice to me." Ask yourself if those times weren't just part of how he kept you in his power.

Secondly--and this is equally important--in functional relationships, disagreements can occur without placement of blame or acts of retribution. In a healthy marriage, a wife may choose to do something in a way that her husband doesn't like, and they can come to agree it is still a valid action, just different than the expectation. One of the partners can even commit an undeniably wrong act and the other can still talk about it rationally and not resort to punishment of some kind. If you find it hard to think of a time you disappointed/disagreed with your narc and he didn't treat you like a stupid, worthless or bad person, well, that's how he works because he's a narcissist.

This reward/punishment system was the basis of both my relationship with my father and my ex-husband. On the rare occasion that I decided to exert my will, I was always beaten back down. It was his way or nothing. I was constantly vigilant not to commit any "mistakes" that might set him off. When I dared to fight back in a disagreement, I always lost. When a situation arose that required one of us to sacrifice, it was always me, never him or even a compromise. I was afraid to even think about what I needed much less ask for it, and I knew there was no point if I did ask.

Sound like your situation? Well, I feel for you--it's a terrible way to live. And what's worse it that we victims of narcs are also trained by them to accept this lot in life, and even to feel like it's normal, and that the negative feelings we experience should be ignored and buried and we must just soldier on with the status quo forever.

That works for getting by day-to-day, but there are serious problems with it in the long run. I'll talk about some of those in the next post....

I think he might be a narcissist--what do I do now?

You may have determined this troubling person in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains a lot, and that's a relief, but otherwise your emotions are still in turmoil. You still have doubts, you still worry that you've done something bad. Even if you could be 100% certain that he’s the problem and not you, you’re terrified to do anything differently than you have in the past. The very thought of fighting back scares you to death and fills you with guilt and shame. Maybe you think you've already done something hurtful and every fiber of you wants to apologize, make amends, appease and return to the status quo.

The best thing to do first is to deepen your understanding, both of the narc and of yourself. You need to learn there is a huge discrepancy between how you believe he thinks and feels, and how he actually thinks and feels. You need a short (and ultimately longer) course in what makes a narcissist tick.

When one has experienced being a devoted child, a loving wife, an adoring parent, or a faithful friend, one has certain convictions about the bonds between human beings. Naturally one projects that the same feelings of empathy, concern, and appreciation are universal among humans. But here's some huge news: they are not.

A narcissist has a completely different attitude towards family members and friends (as well as people in general).  To the narc, other people--even the most important people in one’s life--are never more than the means to an end.  They are tools to be used for desired results. They are there to bring benefits and advantages. If other people fail in this regard, they are not worth caring about and should be cast aside and replaced if possible.

The most useful and therefore the most manipulated people in a narcissist’s life are the ones who provide "narcissistic supply." Supply is the stuff that feed the narc's ego: affection, admiration, attention, obedience, fear, need, sympathy, etc. If you're the sort of person who tends to provide such things to those around you, you will be a narcissist magnet like I've been. (No coincidence both my father and first husband had NPD!)

I am what is called an HSP or "hypersensitive person," and you might be too, for it is very common for HSPs to be victimized by narcissists. HSPs are especially empathetic and sensitive to the feelings, moods and needs of others.  They have a natural tendency to feel other's pain and therefore want to alleviate it as much as they would their own pain. For example, I was constantly mindful that my father seemed lonely, worried, and/or sad. I put myself in his place and imagined vividly what his life was like--or at least what it would be like were I in his shoes. I wanted sincerely to do all I could to ease this suffering and brighten his life. I also felt it was my duty as family to care about such things.

Narcissists pick up quickly on sensitive traits in others. As they interact, they see how their portrayal of pain is felt by the victim, how easy it is to gain sympathy and to use the victim's empathy to motivate and manipulate them. Having an empathetic person in a narcissist’s life is extremely important as they are the easiest people to control. The narcissist's usual arsenal of intimidation is bolstered by new weapons in the case of a kindhearted, empathetic person like an HSP. In other words, my father made sure I believed he was lonely, worried, and/or sad. It was an act to garner my sympathy and devotion.

As a narcissist/victim relationship develops, the victim believes she has earned the genuine love of the narcissist by being valuable and helpful to him. Projecting as usual how she would feel, the victim feels appreciated and needed. This only strengthens the bond. But in actual fact, the relationship is one-way. The narcissist believes he’s only getting what he deserves and is his right, and feels no actual gratitude or appreciation. He feigns these emotions when it is useful, but they are not genuine. He also can’t imagine--nor really cares to bother to try--what the victim’s compassion is really like for her. Such a feeling is just too foreign to his understanding; he is literally incapable of compassion.

When a crisis occurs and a break erupts between the two--as in my case, usually instigated by the narcissist's determining his victim is no longer of use--the emotions on both sides are very different. The narcissist doesn't share the victim's feelings of loss, guilt, need, grief, regret, etc. He is merely occupied with weighing the relative benefits of having the victim in or out of his life. If he determines he may be able to restore the benefits gleaning from the connection, he will try to manipulate a restoration, either by wheedling and blame ("how can you do this to me?") or by intimidation and threats. If he decides he's better off without his victim, or that the victim has wised up and can no longer be used, he will sever the relationship and not look back.

This is because the victim--you--never really mattered. What you provided had worth, but you have no worth yourself. This fact is quite unfathomable to sensitives--to me and to you--who place tremendous worth in their loved ones. Anything else makes more sense than this. But the truth is, after a break with his victim the narcissist is not hurt or grieving, he is rearranging his life in the same way people do when they decide to change jobs or move to a new house. In such a circumstance you or I would be crushed under the enormity of causing another person so much harm. The narcissist feels no such thing because in his world, no one matters, no one has genuine existence, but him.

What you’re feeling now needs to be treated with a good dose of this reality. Stop right now projecting on the narc what you are feeling/thinking, and teach yourself to keep in mind what he's actually feeling/thinking. This must happen for you to move forward with freeing yourself from the chains of the narc/victim relationship. 

Why am I being bullied by someone who should love me?

I didn't know I was dealing with a narcissist. All I knew was I was being bullied by my own father, and in fact, when it got bad enough I allowed myself to admit he had bullied me my whole life long. And not only that, my ex-husband had bullied me too. How could it be that people who were supposed to love me--a father, a husband--manipulated me through cruelty and intimidation?

And I had accepted it--which didn't make any sense either.

If you found this, my first blog post, it may be because you searched for something like "bullied by parent" or "boyfriend bullies me." Your life has come to a point that you see now the behavior is not just crabbiness, or curmugeonly-ness. It's deliberate. And the perpetrator is doing it to get his way, to get what he wants from you, to keep you in line.

What is wrong with this person? What is wrong with you for putting up with him? What should you do...is there anything you CAN do?

The full explanation will be long, but the basic answers are short. This person probably suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You are the victim of a narcissist. And yes, there are things you can do.

The day a person realizes her parent, sibling, partner, child, or dear friend is a narcissist, her whole world will turn upside down. On the one hand, it's terrifying and tragic. On the other, it's liberating and joyful and the first day of a journey that means you can be happier than you ever thought possible. That journey will be a hard struggle but one with tremendous rewards--I can attest to that because I've made it, and though I am still on the road and probably always will be, I am very happy.

So, how can you be sure the person you're dealing with is a narcissist? The Mayo Clinic defines NPD this way:

"A mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

I'm sure you'll find it's going to take a lot for you to be certain you have a narc on your hands. Why? First of all, because they have probably trained you to make excuses for them. Secondly, because your whole being rebels against the idea that someone you love and trust doesn't have beneficent feelings for you...that underneath they just don't care. But be brave and face this terrible possibility head on, because your happiness depends on it.

There are myriads of places on the Web that list the traits of this disorder. Review a few of them and see how well they fit. Be brutally honest with yourself, don't make excuses, don't second guess. Remember, you know this individual quite well and have the wherewithal to judge them objectively. Here are a few suggestions to start:

• Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Take this test as the person would and see the results
• 6 Sure Signs of Narcissism - A shorter quiz, again to takes as if you were the person.
• The Perfect Narcissist Detector - What happens when you say "no"?
• What NPD Parents are Really Like - Great list of traits and behaviors that may apply.

If you're like me, as you read these pieces and similar information, you'll be thinking things like, "wow, I'm not crazy" and "THIS is what was going on in his mind?" and "no wonder nothing ever made sense."

And this will be your very first step. Keep walking, and I'll keep posting.