Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist...it's subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

• sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
• a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
• seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
• a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
• your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc
  
  

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

• bouts of dizzying confusion
• waves of crippling terror
• the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
• sinking guilt
• shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
• mind-numbing grief and hopelessness
  
  

I call these things "freakouts" because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what's happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It's a little exercise called STOP. It's a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here's what you do:

STOP -- Pause your thinking, and whatever you're doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths -- Before you resume anything, breathe. Don't think about what's happening to you, or how you're feeling, or what you're thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening -- Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don't try to force it away, don't judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED -- Carry on with the moment.

You'll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs --> 2-Painful emotional response --> 3-Negative thoughts --> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative --> 5-You believe that narrative --> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response --> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, "Oh god--he's going to yell at me, he's going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can't he just leave me alone, I can't take this, it's going to kill me!" You listen to yourself create a scene in which he's mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn't even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, "Well, that's natural, I don't know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive." You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you've been a victim and it's natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn't: It's a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it's not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you're hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc's victim, give STOP a try.

How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you're still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand...and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It's natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn't stifle natural emotions...that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It's important to recognize what you're feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don't have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it's important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it's even more important to start changing your identity from "the victim of my narc" to "ME." Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.

Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn't people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn't you maintain some sympathy for your narc's lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it's the latter), it's a sorry state of affairs. It's a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it's because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy...and it's never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it's important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that's on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that "woe is me" exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it's possible he can't even walk anymore (I really don't know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don't let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don't permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you're tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help--which is doubtful--you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won't be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

• 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
• This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
• Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
• Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
• It boosts the brain's abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can't think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don't worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That's all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn't seem logical...you'd like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn't. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach's "Gateway to Presence" which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra's works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it's always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we've talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don't feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they "repent" or apologize, it's simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness...if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he's treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don't psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years--perhaps a lifetime--constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you've done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It's time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It's time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won't send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you've been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won't be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can't be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won't affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it...you've earned it. Let yourself receive it.

Are there any exercises that would help me make sense of the confusion my narcissist causes me?

Any victim of a narcissist has experienced lots of confusion. First, there's the fact that as a normal person you cannot fathom the way the narcissist's mind works, so you're frequently surprised or even shocked by his behavior. Second, there's the fact that in order to stay in control, narcs often lie and do all they can to convince their victims to believe in the alternate, fictitious reality that suits their purposes. Third, the narcissist loves confusing you just for its own sake--it's a rush to see your head spin, your conviction crumble, and your emotions go into turmoil.

You can fight your way out of this confusion, but it will take effort and time. I'd like to give you a few suggestions to encourage this process.

Hold Court

In my case, the first exercise I found really helpful was to do all I could to prove to myself my father and ex-husband truly had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I literally copied off the web several lists of traits of narcissists and wrote specific examples from my experience that showed these guys had NPD. Whenever I felt guilt, shame, fear, or loss of resolve, I reread the "rap sheet" to remind myself through concrete example that I had been the victim of messed-up people who had wanted nothing except to use me.

I found the lists on this website particularly helpful in my case. Search the internet for lists that hit home to you and your particular situation. Do as I did (I do recommend actually writing it down for later reference) and hold a little trial for your narcissist, making the case to yourself and proving a conviction. Every time you feel yourself schwaffling, reread your trial transcript. Add more examples if it helps you. And remember, just because you can think of times when the narc seemed to care or did something nice doesn't get him off the hook. Any criminal "does things right" when it serves his purpose. But innocent people don't make a lifestyle out of cruel behavior like your narc did/does.

Let Your Feelings Out

Victims of narcissists spend their lives appeasing the one they serve. More often than not, that includes stifling the normal human response to abuse. A classic example from my life is when my then-husband confessed an affair he'd been having just as it was falling apart. He was in despair over losing this love interest and actually told me about it just so he could get sympathy and understanding. Believe it or not (maybe you do!), I buried my feelings of betrayal and despair and devoted myself to listening to his sob story and comforting him! Classic Stockholm Syndrome at work there.

I have no doubt that you can look back on your relationship with your narc and find plenty of occasions when your needs and feelings went unnoticed and it was all about the narcissist. You may well have not even taken particular notice that this was happening. Well, it's time to look back on those times and let yourself feel and express what you should have been able to experience then. It's time to let it be about YOU. Imagine or write down how you would have reacted had you not been in thrall to the narc. The more you do this, the clearly it will become to you what a warped, unfair, lopsided relationship you had, and how much you suffered at the hands of your narcissist. It won't be long before you start losing the feelings of guilt and fear that plague you now. Reality will have its way!

Mindfulness

If you're like me, your narcissist's-victim-training included indoctrination into a world of fear. Now that you are daring to consider rebelling against the will of your narc, naturally your emotional response is terror, panic and terrible anxiety. No matter what logic you apply to the situation to convince yourself you are not in danger, these emotions will assault you. I found myself not only terrified, but also hyper-vigilant. I couldn't help but run scenarios in my head all day and night of what might happen. My father would call me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. Or kill my pets, or burn down my house. All these imagined torments filled me with as much fear as if they were really happening.

One of the best ways to deal with imagined horrors in any circumstance is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings your attention back to what is really happening to you and around you, rather than what is happening in your imagination as you fret and worry. It breaks the cycle of your fear causing you to envision frightening things, which in turn maintain your fear. It can be as simple as switching your attention to the sensations around you right now, such as how your clothes feel, what you are smelling, and the objects you see in the room. The whole point is to get out of your head and into reality, where at the moment you are perfectly safe.

This webpage has an excellent explanation of how anxiety works, as well as a simple introduction to meditation to alleviate it. Meditation simply involves focusing on your breathing in order to direct your thoughts away from the imagined terrors. Meditation and mindfulness were key elements to my setting aside the crippling fear that came along with splitting with my narcissist.

What these three exercises have in common is helping you to escape the world the narcissist has trained you to believe in, and reconnect with the real world, your true feelings, and your actual circumstances. Working on these things will not only break the narc's power over you but start you down the path to emotional recovery and a much happier life.

What do I do about feeling so guilty for defying my narcissist?

One of the hardest things you have to face now is the tremendous guilt you feel for not accommodating your narcissist. After all, we're talking about a very significant person in your life. If it's your boyfriend/girlfriend, it's someone with whom you were planning to spend your foreseeable future. If a spouse, you committed yourself, you took vows. If a parent, sibling, or child, they are your flesh and blood. These sorts of relationships are not supposed to be broken.

But now you've decided to break with someone you never dreamed you'd abandon or shun. It seems absolutely crazy, and every voice in your head--along with at least a few outside your head--are telling you a decent person would find a way toward reconciliation. "You can't heal without forgiveness." "No one is beyond saving." "Your Christian duty." Yada yada yada.

Here's the thing: You, the voices in your head, your friends and advisors, and a whole bunch of self-help books are not taking one very important thing into account: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All these rules of society, principles of human nature, tried-and-true adages are for dealing with normal human beings. Narcs are not normal human beings. In certain ways, they are not human beings at all, but more like psychological vampires, creatures that suck the joy and strength from humans. Or like aliens who take over the will of humans and force them to do their bidding.

Forgiveness means nothing genuine to people like this, because they cannot ever fathom that they have done something wrong. Reconciliation doesn't mean to them what it does to you, it only means the well of attention and devotion is no longer dry and can be tapped again. Lifelong commitment is something they cannot and will not understand, even if they stay attached to you for your entire life, like my dad did with my mom. All it means is that their victim never managed to put a stop to the abuse, like my mom failed to do with my dad.

You must keep all this in mind when you start to feel guilty. You don't feel guilty for ridding your body of an infection, for driving an intruder from your house, or for not giving your credit card to a stranger to use. You don't apologize for wanting to drive them away!

Don't mistake empty titles for true bonds. "Husband" is a label, not a character trait. So is "Mom" or "Brother." The narcissist has never functioned in your life as a real lover, father, sibling, true friend, so he doesn't get to hide behind the protection of a title.

Likewise, you need to tear down the facade you created for your narc. Most victims of narcissists manage to survive their day-to-day lives by inwardly minimize the crimes of their abusers, and believing in false versions of their narcs that actually possess the characteristics associated with their role. You may play down your husband's cruelty as "crabbiness," or your mother's insults as "having high standards." You might play up the occasional kindnesses or believe in faked acts of niceness, so desperate are you for love and affection.

The fault is not yours. Your narcissist has made a career of training you to be his puppet and think what he wants you to think. He's used positive and negative reinforcement, lying, gaslighting, threats, and every form of mental and emotional manipulation to control your feelings. You have been brainwashed to believe it's always your fault, he's always right (or at least in control), you are wrong unless you agree with him, and there's nothing wrong with him, it's all you. So naturally any disobedience on your part, much less an actual full-stage rebellion, is going to make you feel terrible guilt and fear!

What can you do about it? You have to reprogram your brain and heart. You have to deliberately counterattack, consistently and often, with reason and logic. Examine all your thoughts and feelings in the light of this new information and reality. Figure out what your narcissist is really like, what he was really doing all along. Understand how you have been duped and manipulated. Reconsider all the thoughts and feelings you used to dismiss as crazy or inappropriate. Reevaluate them and see how you were the normal one, there were real reasons for what you thought and felt. Review your past history and analyze what was actually happening. Make sense of it all in this new light.

I recommend you also express all this in some form. Journaling is really helpful in straightening out all the confusion and making ideas concrete, as well as venting pent up and buried emotions. Finding a trustworthy, loving person to talk with throughout the process is key, whether it be a friend or a professional.

I also want to suggest some specific exercises that might be as helpful to you as they were to me, So we'll look at those in the next post.

I want to escape my narcissist--what happens now?

I imagine one of two things has occurred in your life:

1. Your narc rejected you, broke up with you, or otherwise caused a rift; or 
2. You yourself have reached a crisis point where you can't take it anymore.

Regardless of which of these is the impetus for your wanting to make a change--and it can be a combination of both--odds are that what happens next will be the same. You will second guess yourself. Severely and repeatedly. Doubt, confusion, fear and guilt will well up in you. And while this is happening, one or more of these other forces could come into play:

1. The narcissist will say/do things to either make you feel guilty or woo you back.
2. Other family members, friends, or involved third parties will urge a reconciliation.
3. Practical considerations will arise to make a change seem daunting or even impossible.

All this can make the idea of truly removing this toxic person from your life seem like a roadblock as large as Mount Everest. But YOU CAN DO IT. You are not alone, there is help. And part of that help is me. I will break down this immense task into smaller, more manageable pieces, and advise you in every way I can of the tools and approaches you can employ to make it easier.

The first place to begin is with yourself. Because whatever other people are telling you, the ultimate authority on your life is YOU. Those others don't have the firsthand knowledge of what you've been through. They don't know you or your abuser the way you do. They probably have no understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or how it works. Why should you heed the advice of people who aren't experts, nor are they fully informed? Meanwhile, you can be certain of your own motives: you want to be able to have the happiness that is your right as a decent human being. But other people (especially your narc) have their own agendas; even if they love you, they are also thinking of themselves.

You, like any other human, deserve the freedom to determine your own fate and pursue happiness. No one has the right to tell you to allow yourself to be abused. It is never a good thing for any member of society to be victimized--society at large always suffers when abuse is tolerated. The right thing in this case, in your case, is for the abuser to be stripped of his power, and the victim supported and given the tools to heal.

So take the time and make the effort today to recognize that you have worth, your happiness matters, and you don't have to take it anymore. Embrace these ideas now and over and over again through your doubts. Recognize this will take work but commit yourself to not turning back. And change your focus from being on others to being on yourself for awhile, for you will need to nurture yourself in many ways to get through this life change.

In the posts to come, I will work through piece by piece the tasks ahead, the pitfalls to conquer, and the tools to help you make your way. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the goal: finding piece of mind, love, joy, self-confidence, and all the other benefit that come from getting free of a narcissist.

I think he might be a narcissist--what do I do now?

You may have determined this troubling person in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains a lot, and that's a relief, but otherwise your emotions are still in turmoil. You still have doubts, you still worry that you've done something bad. Even if you could be 100% certain that he’s the problem and not you, you’re terrified to do anything differently than you have in the past. The very thought of fighting back scares you to death and fills you with guilt and shame. Maybe you think you've already done something hurtful and every fiber of you wants to apologize, make amends, appease and return to the status quo.

The best thing to do first is to deepen your understanding, both of the narc and of yourself. You need to learn there is a huge discrepancy between how you believe he thinks and feels, and how he actually thinks and feels. You need a short (and ultimately longer) course in what makes a narcissist tick.

When one has experienced being a devoted child, a loving wife, an adoring parent, or a faithful friend, one has certain convictions about the bonds between human beings. Naturally one projects that the same feelings of empathy, concern, and appreciation are universal among humans. But here's some huge news: they are not.

A narcissist has a completely different attitude towards family members and friends (as well as people in general).  To the narc, other people--even the most important people in one’s life--are never more than the means to an end.  They are tools to be used for desired results. They are there to bring benefits and advantages. If other people fail in this regard, they are not worth caring about and should be cast aside and replaced if possible.

The most useful and therefore the most manipulated people in a narcissist’s life are the ones who provide "narcissistic supply." Supply is the stuff that feed the narc's ego: affection, admiration, attention, obedience, fear, need, sympathy, etc. If you're the sort of person who tends to provide such things to those around you, you will be a narcissist magnet like I've been. (No coincidence both my father and first husband had NPD!)

I am what is called an HSP or "hypersensitive person," and you might be too, for it is very common for HSPs to be victimized by narcissists. HSPs are especially empathetic and sensitive to the feelings, moods and needs of others.  They have a natural tendency to feel other's pain and therefore want to alleviate it as much as they would their own pain. For example, I was constantly mindful that my father seemed lonely, worried, and/or sad. I put myself in his place and imagined vividly what his life was like--or at least what it would be like were I in his shoes. I wanted sincerely to do all I could to ease this suffering and brighten his life. I also felt it was my duty as family to care about such things.

Narcissists pick up quickly on sensitive traits in others. As they interact, they see how their portrayal of pain is felt by the victim, how easy it is to gain sympathy and to use the victim's empathy to motivate and manipulate them. Having an empathetic person in a narcissist’s life is extremely important as they are the easiest people to control. The narcissist's usual arsenal of intimidation is bolstered by new weapons in the case of a kindhearted, empathetic person like an HSP. In other words, my father made sure I believed he was lonely, worried, and/or sad. It was an act to garner my sympathy and devotion.

As a narcissist/victim relationship develops, the victim believes she has earned the genuine love of the narcissist by being valuable and helpful to him. Projecting as usual how she would feel, the victim feels appreciated and needed. This only strengthens the bond. But in actual fact, the relationship is one-way. The narcissist believes he’s only getting what he deserves and is his right, and feels no actual gratitude or appreciation. He feigns these emotions when it is useful, but they are not genuine. He also can’t imagine--nor really cares to bother to try--what the victim’s compassion is really like for her. Such a feeling is just too foreign to his understanding; he is literally incapable of compassion.

When a crisis occurs and a break erupts between the two--as in my case, usually instigated by the narcissist's determining his victim is no longer of use--the emotions on both sides are very different. The narcissist doesn't share the victim's feelings of loss, guilt, need, grief, regret, etc. He is merely occupied with weighing the relative benefits of having the victim in or out of his life. If he determines he may be able to restore the benefits gleaning from the connection, he will try to manipulate a restoration, either by wheedling and blame ("how can you do this to me?") or by intimidation and threats. If he decides he's better off without his victim, or that the victim has wised up and can no longer be used, he will sever the relationship and not look back.

This is because the victim--you--never really mattered. What you provided had worth, but you have no worth yourself. This fact is quite unfathomable to sensitives--to me and to you--who place tremendous worth in their loved ones. Anything else makes more sense than this. But the truth is, after a break with his victim the narcissist is not hurt or grieving, he is rearranging his life in the same way people do when they decide to change jobs or move to a new house. In such a circumstance you or I would be crushed under the enormity of causing another person so much harm. The narcissist feels no such thing because in his world, no one matters, no one has genuine existence, but him.

What you’re feeling now needs to be treated with a good dose of this reality. Stop right now projecting on the narc what you are feeling/thinking, and teach yourself to keep in mind what he's actually feeling/thinking. This must happen for you to move forward with freeing yourself from the chains of the narc/victim relationship.