Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn't people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn't you maintain some sympathy for your narc's lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it's the latter), it's a sorry state of affairs. It's a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it's because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy...and it's never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it's important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that's on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that "woe is me" exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it's possible he can't even walk anymore (I really don't know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don't let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don't permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you're tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help--which is doubtful--you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it's always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we've talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don't feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they "repent" or apologize, it's simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness...if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he's treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don't psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years--perhaps a lifetime--constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you've done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It's time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It's time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won't send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you've been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won't be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can't be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won't affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it...you've earned it. Let yourself receive it.