Why does everyone blame me for what happened with my narcissist?

One of the unfortunate things about dealing with a narcissist is the fact that they are such great bamboozlers. This, of course, is how they snagged you in the first place, and one of the reasons they kept a grip on you for months and years.

But the narc's ability to charm and impress is a double curse for his victim: He also bamboozles everyone around you. After your break-up, you are a mess of tears, rage, and confusion. You don't know how to begin explaining to friends, family, or co-workers what happened to you, and if you manage to try, they don't seem to believe you. Meanwhile he's cool as a cucumber, happily moving on with life and possibly already making the scene with your replacement. And/or he may be spreading the word about how he tried to make it work with you, but you went nuts and refuse to listen to reason. He appears as whatever will move/impress his audience the most: sympathetic, long-suffering, and sweet to some...reasonable, mentally healthy, and thriving to others.

So not only are you dealing with your past abuse, you can't seem to find anyone to understand or support you. And you have to watch him carry on blithely as if nothing happened, he's happier than ever, and he's the one behaving like a normal, sensible human being.

This is obviously an acutely painful, miserable place to be. Sometimes it can make you wish you were back with the narc because that was easier.

As we've discussed elsewhere, it truly can be hard to find people who understand and support you. Very few people have even heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, much less understand how it works, and unless you know a narc or study them, you would never imagine such people existed among us. The things about your narc which are hard for you to believe and understand are even harder for others to believe and understand. It's not impossible to explain about NPD and narcs to others, but you probably will only want to go through that effort with a chosen few. (You might refer them to this blog or other websites so they get support and further explanation from an impartial third party.) But no one is likely to get it unless they are told, and even then will probably be confused.

Sometimes it can help a little to tell those people in your life who trust and respect you something like this: "I know you'd never guess it from knowing so-and-so, but he's emotionally abusive and hurt me a lot." You may get a "that's crazy--but he's always so kind/sweet/helpful/pleasant/etc." Then you can point out, "Yes, that's how he got me to fall for him. But as soon as he got me there, he changed. I couldn't believe it either for the longest time. He really sucked me in--I was so fooled that when the real him appeared I told myself it couldn't be happening. But it did, and I put up with it for a long time, but it was destroying me so I had to get away from him."

Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.

When these things happen, it's okay to cry about the injustice, to fly into a rage at what he's doing without you or to you, to feel lonely and misunderstood. Let yourself weep or scream in the privacy of your own home or in the presence of those who support you. Then step back, acknowledging the okayness, healthiness, and normality of those emotions, but not letting them define to you who you are. Don't let them tell you any toxic stories, like "I'll never win," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't get over this unless something bad happens to him," or "I'll always be alone." 

Yes, this is happening to you and it won't be completely over for awhile. Yes, it really sucks that the reality of the situation is hidden from so many people's eyes. But honestly, your life is starting again now without the bad element in it that got you in this situation. You literally have nowhere to go but up. You survived--all by yourself--all the things he did to you, and you got free or are getting free.

In fact, you are winning, whether anyone knows it or not. You will be happy again. You are going to be fine and won't even bother caring anymore what happens to him. 

And you aren't alone, even if no one you know personally gets it. The world is teeming with narc victims like you, and they are an amazingly supportive group in my experience. I recommend you seek out some, either through a therapist or counselor who may know others, or online. Many narc victims have blogs that are full of thoughts and feelings that will confirm yours. And I highly recommend the Narcissist group at www.supportgroups.com, where your brothers and sisters in this sort of abuse are happy to listen and help.

Above all, NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be abused, and it's not your fault. I get it, and anyone who was able to understand would feel the same.

How do I explain my narcissist to other people and refute his lies about me?

Everybody gets it when a marriage or familial relationship ends over normal reasons like sexual or physical abuse or infidelity. Even incompatibility can make sense to others as the reason you split with a spouse or mate. The situation is not so easy when you are involved with a narcissist.

First of all, as I've explained before, the minds and hearts of narcissists are so alien from what normally constitutes human psychology, we regular humans could never guess such creatures exist. Unless your family members, friends, and associates have personally dealt with a narcissist, they may find it very hard to believe what is going on beneath your narc's exterior.

Consequently, you may find other people struggle to believe your claims about your narc's behavior. You'll get things like "but he's always been really sweet to me," and "I can't believe he would do something like that," and "but some of the fault for that must have been yours...are you sure you didn't provoke him?" Most narcs are great at coming across to everyone but their victims as upstanding and wonderful people. Frustrating as it is, it's not surprising others view your narc positively...and never dream a human being is capable of the things he has done to you.

This is part of the reason it's so commonplace for the narc's victim to be viewed as the person responsible for the breakup. Another is that while you are confused and struggling with guilt, shame, and other emotions that keep you silent, the narc is delighted to fabricate stories and spread them wildly. You are trying to make sense of what happened to you. He's playing the victim, garnering sympathy, and badmouthing you with lies.

So what can you do? How can you hope to make any headway in being understood when in a circumstance like this?

There are some ways to fight back and cope.  Here are a few:

1. Start by understanding what has happened to you and how a narc operates. Read all you can, discuss NPD with your counselor or support group if you have one. Get the full picture so you are able to articulate with conviction your situation.

2. Determine a trusted family member or friend who you think will get it. Even if there's only one person, feeling like someone who understands and is on your side will be a great comfort and confidence builder. Look for someone who knows you well and believes in you, and/or someone who has glimpsed the "dark side" of your narc. Talk through whatever you are comfortable with sharing with that person. (I really recommend checking out the Support Group's Narcissist group.)

3. Put your situation in terms others will understand. Everyone knows what it means when you use terms like "emotionally abusive" and "bullying." If you need to explain the breakup to someone and are comfortable with using these sorts of words in their presence, sometimes this will suffice. When talking to my elderly father's caretakers about our estrangement, I said things like "he bullied me and my mom all my life" and "he was emotionally abusive to me."

4. Remain calm and rational when discussing your narc. It's not always easy, but by appearing completely lucid and emotionally balanced, you are increasing your likelihood of being listened to. Calmly stating "I was emotionally abused privately for years--I never let on" is better than ranting "he's evil--he tortured me--I'm practically suicidal!" He is evil, he did torture you, and you may understandably be feeling suicidal, but you won't do your cause any favors by expressing yourself in a way that makes others uncomfortable or scared.

5. Pick your battles. Not everyone needs to know what happened to you. Examine each situation individually. It's not that important if people you don't even know are hearing negative things about you on Facebook. It is important that if your child is acting out in school because of abuse by your narc husband, you have conferences with teachers and counselors about the truth.

6. Don't put too much weight on what others are saying or thinking. This is one of those things that is completely out of your control. Slight acquaintances or people who don't know you are the ones most likely to judge you harshly, and they have little to do with your actual happiness. Meanwhile, you actually can influence the important people in your life by sharing the truth with them. The ones who believe you are always the ones that are actually of value to you as friends and family members. And even if they don't get it, they probably still love you and want to support you. People who truly care won't judge you negatively.

And in the end, no one else's opinion of you matters even a fraction as much as your opinion.

It is your own opinion that most shapes your day-to-day reality. You know the truth, you know you are a good person who deserves love and happiness. Don't let your narc's lies or his influence on others alter your self-image. What matters in the end, what will matter the most in your life to come, is the reality of who you are. It is that love of and belief in yourself that will carry you forward and shine for all to see.

How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you're still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand...and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It's natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn't stifle natural emotions...that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It's important to recognize what you're feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don't have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it's important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it's even more important to start changing your identity from "the victim of my narc" to "ME." Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.

Why do I have some good memories involving my narcissist?

We've established that narcissists think only of themselves and never the happiness of others. That would suggest that narcs are incapable of making others happy.

But chances are you can think of plenty of examples of times when you were happy in the presence of your narcissist partner, parent, child, sibling or friend. You had a good time, or you felt connected, or you believed they loved you and approved of you. Does this mean you were living in a dream world, deluded and confused? Or did you truly derive something positive from being around the narcissist?

I have plenty of "fond memories" of times with my narc ex-husband. There were moments of giddy romance, hours of interesting and fun conversation. Likewise, there were occasions with my narc father that I will always remember as joyful: learning from him, laughing with him.

I don't look upon these times in a negative way. That is, I don't so much think of them from the narc's perspective, as times when I was manipulated into seeing a happy, loving reality that just wasn't there. Sure, it's true that on those occasions the narcissist in my life wasn't motivated by wanting the best for me. These were not acts of selfless love, but rather were situations when the narc was seeking the ultimate benefits to himself that would result from treating me kindly at that time. But that doesn't invalidate my happiness in those moments.

Rather, I look at those pleasant occasions from my point of view. I think about my innocence, my trusting nature, my positive outlook on life as the true source of those good times. We truly create our own realities and are ultimately the most responsible for what we take from what happens to us. So I look back with fondness not for my narc father and husband, but for my younger self.

I smile at the childlike wonder I felt when my father taught me things or shared experiences with me, and I warm at the thought of my believing I was worthy of love and protection, even though those things were false. I'm proud of myself for thinking well of the world around me, for being innocent and trusting.

Likewise, I treasure my memories of how I believed in love, romance, and intimacy. It's to my credit that I had faith in my narc husband, even though he proved to be faithless. I'm happy I was capable of love, and that I was trusting and forthright and devoted, and saw my husband as a much better person that he was. I gave up those dreams eventually and embraced the much less happy reality that was actually there, but I'm not sorry for the original outlook I had that brought me joy while it lasted.

So if you have good memories of experiences with your narc, take the credit for those happy moments yourself. They are a reflection not of any good in the narcissist, but of all the good in you, of how your soul naturally seeks the positive and rejoices in the positive things it perceives, regardless of what motivation lies beneath.

There's no need to cast aside your happy memories. Just let them be a reminder of what a good person you are, and encourage you to love and believe in yourself and your ability to make the most out of life.

Why does everyone else think my narcissist is a great person?

Spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie "Frozen" yet! 

Prince Hans of the Southern Isles appears to be the romantic hero of Disney's "Frozen" when he sweeps Princess Anna off her feet in a single evening. He seems to share all her interests, feel exactly like she does, and they even finish each other's...sandwiches.  He's handsome, charming, charismatic, and apparently Anna's dream man.

But in the end the truth comes out: It's all been an elaborate act. In reality Hans is only interested in himself, and he fooled not only Anna but everyone in her kingdom into believing he is a sensitive, beneficent, self-sacrificing leader.

You can make a good case that this Disney character is a narcissist. He certainly feels not the slightest remorse for his cruelties, and is smug and self-satisfied as far as his own morals and behavior. He's the ultimate user, he knows it and is proud of it.

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with a narcissist is that they, like Prince Hans, are brilliant at appearing to be wonderful. Unlike normal people, they do not let their behavior to be a reflection of their true thoughts and feelings. Rather, they gear it always as to be tool, a means to an end. This makes them remarkably successful at getting people on their side, either by impressing them or intimidating them. Their preferred approach with anyone who might, like Anna, be a means to power, is to seem as attractive, good, and wonderful as possible.

So don't be surprised at all if your narcissist is powerful, influential, popular, and considered by all around you to be a great guy. He's put a lot of effort into that while you were busy being genuine, doing and saying what your mind and heart told you to. 

If you're trying to break from your narcissist, you can bet he will redouble his efforts to be charming to anyone and everyone that you would want especially to see the truth about him. That includes any shared children he's fighting for, his new girlfriend, his and your relatives, your friends, your shared Facebook/Twitter friends and followers, the members of your church, therapists and social workers, and the judge deciding your children's custody. He will work hard, and he'll be good at it...he's had a lifetime of practice, including a significant part of time when he wooed you. Don't get too angry at those people; it's far more his fault than theirs. They, like most people, don't even know that narcissists exist or how they operate.

Undoubtedly you feel very driven to show the world what an evil person you've been dealing with, proving his guilt, and getting some justice. Those feelings are normal and understandable, and telling your side of the story is important and totally within your rights. But when you find yourself butting heads with people who just don't understand or believe you, sometimes the only person who gets hurt is you. And you've already suffered enough. Don't seek understanding from those people--you will only waste energy and bring yourself more frustration and disappointment, not to mention the erroneous but powerful feeling that you might be crazy.

Instead, go to people who do understand and believe you, most especially other victims of narcissists who totally get it. Again, I recommend the Narcissists group on www.supportgroups.com, where there are plenty of people who will believe every word you say about your narc because they know narcissists. 

As far as crusading to convince the world your narc is evil, as Elsa would say: "Let it go." The less you think about that crusade, the better off you'll be. And after all, living well is the best revenge. Focus more on your being happy and less on his being miserable, and you will be far better off.

What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won't be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

• 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
• This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
• Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
• Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
• It boosts the brain's abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can't think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don't worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That's all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn't seem logical...you'd like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn't. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach's "Gateway to Presence" which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra's works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

Why am I still in love with my narcissist?

There is no question in your mind that your narcissist spouse/partner/lover is ruining your life. He's manipulative, cruel, abusive, controlling, horrible in every way. You are miserable with him. Perhaps you've even left him, broken up with him already.

But you still love him.

You dream of being back together. You fantasize that he will beg you to come back. You think about him all day. You just want him to love you.

It's quite likely that you also feel like the world's biggest fool, that you are still holding a candle for someone who has done nothing but hurt you. You alternate between pining for him and beating yourself up for being an idiot. Your emotions don't make sense but you can't make them stop. You wonder if you've lost your mind.

Well, you aren't crazy, you aren't stupid, you aren't a fool. You're simply being the exact person your narcissist has spent months and years molding you into. This situation is less about you and any shortcomings in your personality or sanity, and more about the amazing talent your narc has for molding and shaping other humans into what he wants them to be.

Over the course of your relationship, the narc has subtly, craftily convinced you that he is the true judge of what makes a woman desirable. If you can make him love and want you, then and only then will you have proven your worth as a human being. Meanwhile, he has rewired your brain into abject devotion to meeting his needs. Maybe he used the approach of making you want to be the only one who truly understands him, or the only one who will put up with him, or the only one who can make him happy. So now without that purpose to your life, you feel meaningless. Or maybe he used a more negative approach, punishing you with ridicule, anger, or criticism whenever you failed to devote yourself to him and let him have his way. So now you're terrified that you've rebelled in heart or in action, and wish you could escape that fear by being obedient again.

Whatever the technique the narcissist has used on you, the result was some form of this: he trained you to stay in the relationship. So now, of course, you find yourself wanting to stay in the relationship. You think it gives you purpose, proves your self-worth, keeps you safe from retribution. Loving him, even though there are so many reasons to hate him, is safer and easier and can in fact seem like the only solution.

This is exactly how the psychological condition called "Stockholm Syndrome" works. Wikipedia explains the syndrome thus:

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

There are logical reasons for why victims of abuse experience these feelings that seem on their face to be so illogical. As Wikipedia states, "Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat." In other words, you coped with the narc's abuse by perceiving it as a kind of affection. If he was cruel to you, it was because you mattered enough to him that he chose to give you that intense attention. No matter that the "attention" was negative and abusive--in order to bear up, your mind found ways to look at it as acceptable, deserved, positive.

The result of this is that your brain has been trained so that you no longer have normal means of protecting yourself. If another woman who hadn't been abused by a narc was dropped into your place, she would dump your narcissist within a day of experiencing how he treats you. Family and friends may have been telling you for a long time to leave him because they look at his behavior clearly. But your psyche is your narc's life's work...he put his whole effort into making you into a creature that takes what he dishes out and is happy to come back for more.

So you do still feel love for him. But you shouldn't. That love is not coming from your heart but from your programmed brain. The only way to get yourself free is to break through the fear, anxiety, and shame and look what has happened to you right in the face. Strip the mask off your narc and let yourself feel genuine emotion over what's been done to you. That can be very scary, but after you've processed that real emotion, trust me, you'll come out a whole person on the other side. Figure out his games, unravel the lies. Do not have any contact with him, including cyberstalking and following him on social media. If he tries to get you back, DON'T DO IT. And recover your self-worth not by caving and going back to a hellish existence with him, but by seeing clearly the great person you are and all you have to offer the world.

Lean on anyone in your life who understands, supports you, believes in you, and thinks you are a good person. Have patience with how hard it can be for others to understand what narcissistic victims go through, and look for the well-meaning behind their actions. Do things you enjoy--revive old hobbies, find the things that used to engage you before life became all about him. Choose to do what's right for YOU...this is the time for that.

There is one other thing that I personally believe can make a huge difference to narc victims who are trapped in feelings of love and stuck in their efforts to change. I will talk all about that in the next post.

How can I cope with the narcissist I'm unable to leave?

As we discussed in the last post, the best policy is to cut out all contact with the narcissist in your life. But some victims of narcs don't have that luxury. Maybe you absolutely don't have the means to move out. Maybe you have moved apart but share children and are therefore required to have regular contact. Maybe you are planning to separate, but can't do so quite yet for practical reasons.

At any rate, you are forced to live with or communicate with your narcissistic abuser. Does that mean you have to continue without any relief in enduring the nightmare of his treatment?

As hard as it is--and I know from experience how hard--there are things you can do to make life a little bit easier on you. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Pick your battles.

As usual, the narc will demand you comply with his desires in all things. But now that you know the score and understand what he has been doing to you, you no longer feel like cowtowing to his every whim. There are issues where you should take a stand--when what he asks causes you a great deal of pain--and there are issue where complying is merely a slight inconvenience. Don't force issues that aren't important and try to minimize the conflict when you can.

2.  Subtly encourage him to seek supply elsewhere.

When you were a young child (in the case of an N-parent) or first in love (in the case of an N-mate/spouse), you were trained into the role of supporting your narcissist emotionally. You were taught to give attention, care, praise, etc. Maybe this made you feel needed and important...or maybe you were afraid not to provide these things to the narc. Either way, you were an eager and cooperative source of his narcissistic supply.

If you can find any way to do so, pull back on your attentiveness. Don't offer anything that isn't strictly demanded of you. Meanwhile, if you see your narc getting supply elsewhere, encourage that and don't prevent it. If you're fortunate, you may be able to shift yourself out of his main field of attention and have a bit more freedom.

[Sidebar: I am highly uncomfortable recommending you encourage your narc's abuse of some other poor individual. This is something to employ as a last resort for your own survival, until you are able to escape the narcissist altogether.]

3.  As much as you are able, turn your focus from the narcissist to positive things.

It's commonplace for narcissist victims to think about their narcs constantly. We become hypervigilant, watching frantically for the next crisis to occur, imagining in advance what it might be. We ponder the injustices, nurse our wounds, inwardly lament our lot. We focus on our fear, our anger, our shame. All these emotional responses are perfectly normal and natural. To a certain extent they are even necessary survival mechanisms.

The problem is if we dwell too much on these things, they will slowly destroy us. Misery, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions evoke destructive brain chemicals and trigger physical problems all over the body. Sickness, depression, and all manner of badness follows.

You need some happiness to survive, and that means learning to enjoy the good things in life even while you endure the bad. You need to resist the temptation to "run scenarios" of future disasters, and learn to trust that if the bad comes, you can deal with it just as effectively by instinct in the moment than if you had rehearsed ahead for hours in your imagination. You need to turn from focusing solely on the narc's demands and think about yourself, your needs, and the things you do that satisfy them. You need to learn to fully experience and appreciate the good times in your life: time spent on a hobby, a lunch with a friend, a game with your kids, even just a pretty sunrise, a tasty cookie, a smile from a clerk at the supermarket.

To achieve these things, I recommend you investigate the practice of mindfulness. There are wonderful sources all over the internet, and excellent books galore, on this approach to living life more in the moment. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven stress reducer. It helps PTSD sufferers recover. It is useful for anyone trying to find a more peaceful existence or get their rampaging negative emotions in check.

Meanwhile, I also encourage you to consider the possibility of meditation. This practice can work beautifully hand-in-hand with mindfulness to reduce stress and its negative effects on the mind and body. Even ten minutes a day can be absolutely transformative for those who feel their lives are out of control and that they are at the mercy of their emotions.

4.  Continue your research.

Keep reading online or in books about narcissists and what it's like to be victimized by one. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand what is happening to you, the more in control you will be even if you cannot fully escape your narcissist.

5.  Keep a journal.

A secret one of course! Expressing your thoughts about what is happening to you is a good way to vent, and can also help clarify issues and suggest solutions. I pooh-poohed this idea until I tried it myself, and it was a great help to me.

6.  Make sure you have support.

I went completely alone in dealing with my narcissist ex-husband, except for relying on the love of my very young daughters. That was no way to live and it probably was a big factor in my staying with him as long as I did. Confide in a trusted friend or relative. Seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. For practical matters, consider having a lawyer involved as well.

You may learn that it's hard to find people who understand your situation, especially if they know your narcissist too and have been (as usually happens) bamboozled by his charms and outwardly attractive appearance. Make sure your support network includes someone who really gets it and believes you....this is essential. If you can't find anyone in your present acquaintance to fit the bill, find someone online. I heartily recommend the Narcissist group on SupportGroups.com, where I am involved at the time of this writing. There are many victims of narcissists posting there (you can read what they have to say anonymously without joining if you want), and the best thing they do is prove to fellow victims that they are not crazy, or bad, or messed up.

7.  Strive towards the ultimate goal of no contact.

I pray you will find ways to alleviate the struggle of having to interact with your narcissist. Only a fellow victim truly understands how hard it is. I also encourage you to act toward the eventual total break from this terrible person, and keep that hope before you to sustain you. The sooner that day comes, the better--and I hope it will be soon!

How can I find the strength to fight my narcissist?

You've heard the expression about combat, "Take the high ground"? That's because the high ground is a strategical advantage in warfare. It's a position of power, a clearer and broader viewpoint, easier to defend.

Well, victims of narcissists always have to start fighting from the low ground, and that's the challenge. The narc, with his abundant self-love, perfect self-image, charm, and ruthlessness always has the advantage. His victim is hampered by poor self-image, years of being intimidated into submission, self-doubt, and confusion. She is also at a disadvantage because she has moral compunctions and cares for others. She may still feel love and concern for her narcissist. She may be hindered by caring about other loved ones standing in the cross-fire...especially shared children or other family members.

All these factors typically keep you, the victim, in thrall--trapped and feeling powerless for years. It may seem like there is no escape, no hope. My mom never saw a way clear of the fortress in which my father trapped her, and she died still under his control even while her heart rebelled. Whether you have decided to break from your narc or are still struggling to determine if you should try, undoubtedly you too feel little confidence in your possibilities of success.

I would like to suggest to you that since you are reading this, since you have entertained the possibility of freedom if not actually chosen to pursue it, that means there has already been some sort of crack in your narcissist's armor. There is already a breach, no matter how small, in the foundations of the prison in which he holds you.

You have seen that you are a victim, that evil has been done to you, and there is already a flame burning in your heart, a desire to escape. That desire, dear friend, is your ultimate weapon against your captor. It is the very thing the narc fears most. The stronger it grows, the less power he has.

The tiny flicker of knowledge that he is a twisted soul who has managed to imprison you
means
he no longer controls all your thoughts and beliefs.

The little flame of hope that you can find a way out
means
he no longer has your will completely enslaved.

The rising flame of anger
means
your self-esteem is growing.

The low burning fire of determination
means
his techniques of intimidation and punishment are losing their efficacy.

The brightly burning fire of your first steps of rebellion
means
you are now tapping into the energy of your formerly quenched, natural drive toward happiness.

The roaring blaze of defying him
means
in the end you are going to win, because you have already begun shattering his weapons.

So I say, cling to your desire to be free and happy, believe you can be no matter what he says and does, and do everything you can to nurture the fire.

And remember, you have something else on your side that he doesn't: you have good. He is a force for evil, and as long as he had your cooperation, you were a force for evil too, even though you didn't want to be. Deny him the weapons of your sympathy, pity, and even your general compassion for others. Anything you give him will not be used for his benefit, only for your further torment. Now you have switched sides, and the contest is now one vs. one. Do all you can to remind yourself that you are in the right, you are fighting on the side of love and happiness. Until you are fully free and clear of him emotionally, be steadfast in your rebellion. The longer you hold strong, the easier it will become.

Take one step, then the next, and if you fall back, keep going. And hold before you the beacon of your desire to be happy--no matter what, don't let it die, and you will win.