Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it's always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we've talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don't feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they "repent" or apologize, it's simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness...if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he's treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don't psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years--perhaps a lifetime--constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you've done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It's time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It's time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won't send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you've been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won't be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can't be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won't affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it...you've earned it. Let yourself receive it.