How can I find the strength to fight my narcissist?

You've heard the expression about combat, "Take the high ground"? That's because the high ground is a strategical advantage in warfare. It's a position of power, a clearer and broader viewpoint, easier to defend.

Well, victims of narcissists always have to start fighting from the low ground, and that's the challenge. The narc, with his abundant self-love, perfect self-image, charm, and ruthlessness always has the advantage. His victim is hampered by poor self-image, years of being intimidated into submission, self-doubt, and confusion. She is also at a disadvantage because she has moral compunctions and cares for others. She may still feel love and concern for her narcissist. She may be hindered by caring about other loved ones standing in the cross-fire...especially shared children or other family members.

All these factors typically keep you, the victim, in thrall--trapped and feeling powerless for years. It may seem like there is no escape, no hope. My mom never saw a way clear of the fortress in which my father trapped her, and she died still under his control even while her heart rebelled. Whether you have decided to break from your narc or are still struggling to determine if you should try, undoubtedly you too feel little confidence in your possibilities of success.

I would like to suggest to you that since you are reading this, since you have entertained the possibility of freedom if not actually chosen to pursue it, that means there has already been some sort of crack in your narcissist's armor. There is already a breach, no matter how small, in the foundations of the prison in which he holds you.

You have seen that you are a victim, that evil has been done to you, and there is already a flame burning in your heart, a desire to escape. That desire, dear friend, is your ultimate weapon against your captor. It is the very thing the narc fears most. The stronger it grows, the less power he has.

The tiny flicker of knowledge that he is a twisted soul who has managed to imprison you
means
he no longer controls all your thoughts and beliefs.

The little flame of hope that you can find a way out
means
he no longer has your will completely enslaved.

The rising flame of anger
means
your self-esteem is growing.

The low burning fire of determination
means
his techniques of intimidation and punishment are losing their efficacy.

The brightly burning fire of your first steps of rebellion
means
you are now tapping into the energy of your formerly quenched, natural drive toward happiness.

The roaring blaze of defying him
means
in the end you are going to win, because you have already begun shattering his weapons.

So I say, cling to your desire to be free and happy, believe you can be no matter what he says and does, and do everything you can to nurture the fire.

And remember, you have something else on your side that he doesn't: you have good. He is a force for evil, and as long as he had your cooperation, you were a force for evil too, even though you didn't want to be. Deny him the weapons of your sympathy, pity, and even your general compassion for others. Anything you give him will not be used for his benefit, only for your further torment. Now you have switched sides, and the contest is now one vs. one. Do all you can to remind yourself that you are in the right, you are fighting on the side of love and happiness. Until you are fully free and clear of him emotionally, be steadfast in your rebellion. The longer you hold strong, the easier it will become.

Take one step, then the next, and if you fall back, keep going. And hold before you the beacon of your desire to be happy--no matter what, don't let it die, and you will win.