Why am I being bullied by someone who should love me?

I didn't know I was dealing with a narcissist. All I knew was I was being bullied by my own father, and in fact, when it got bad enough I allowed myself to admit he had bullied me my whole life long. And not only that, my ex-husband had bullied me too. How could it be that people who were supposed to love me--a father, a husband--manipulated me through cruelty and intimidation?

And I had accepted it--which didn't make any sense either.

If you found this, my first blog post, it may be because you searched for something like "bullied by parent" or "boyfriend bullies me." Your life has come to a point that you see now the behavior is not just crabbiness, or curmugeonly-ness. It's deliberate. And the perpetrator is doing it to get his way, to get what he wants from you, to keep you in line.

What is wrong with this person? What is wrong with you for putting up with him? What should you do...is there anything you CAN do?

The full explanation will be long, but the basic answers are short. This person probably suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You are the victim of a narcissist. And yes, there are things you can do.

The day a person realizes her parent, sibling, partner, child, or dear friend is a narcissist, her whole world will turn upside down. On the one hand, it's terrifying and tragic. On the other, it's liberating and joyful and the first day of a journey that means you can be happier than you ever thought possible. That journey will be a hard struggle but one with tremendous rewards--I can attest to that because I've made it, and though I am still on the road and probably always will be, I am very happy.

So, how can you be sure the person you're dealing with is a narcissist? The Mayo Clinic defines NPD this way:

"A mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

I'm sure you'll find it's going to take a lot for you to be certain you have a narc on your hands. Why? First of all, because they have probably trained you to make excuses for them. Secondly, because your whole being rebels against the idea that someone you love and trust doesn't have beneficent feelings for you...that underneath they just don't care. But be brave and face this terrible possibility head on, because your happiness depends on it.

There are myriads of places on the Web that list the traits of this disorder. Review a few of them and see how well they fit. Be brutally honest with yourself, don't make excuses, don't second guess. Remember, you know this individual quite well and have the wherewithal to judge them objectively. Here are a few suggestions to start:

• Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Take this test as the person would and see the results
• 6 Sure Signs of Narcissism - A shorter quiz, again to takes as if you were the person.
• The Perfect Narcissist Detector - What happens when you say "no"?
• What NPD Parents are Really Like - Great list of traits and behaviors that may apply.

If you're like me, as you read these pieces and similar information, you'll be thinking things like, "wow, I'm not crazy" and "THIS is what was going on in his mind?" and "no wonder nothing ever made sense."

And this will be your very first step. Keep walking, and I'll keep posting.