Why does everyone blame me for what happened with my narcissist?

One of the unfortunate things about dealing with a narcissist is the fact that they are such great bamboozlers. This, of course, is how they snagged you in the first place, and one of the reasons they kept a grip on you for months and years.

But the narc's ability to charm and impress is a double curse for his victim: He also bamboozles everyone around you. After your break-up, you are a mess of tears, rage, and confusion. You don't know how to begin explaining to friends, family, or co-workers what happened to you, and if you manage to try, they don't seem to believe you. Meanwhile he's cool as a cucumber, happily moving on with life and possibly already making the scene with your replacement. And/or he may be spreading the word about how he tried to make it work with you, but you went nuts and refuse to listen to reason. He appears as whatever will move/impress his audience the most: sympathetic, long-suffering, and sweet to some...reasonable, mentally healthy, and thriving to others.

So not only are you dealing with your past abuse, you can't seem to find anyone to understand or support you. And you have to watch him carry on blithely as if nothing happened, he's happier than ever, and he's the one behaving like a normal, sensible human being.

This is obviously an acutely painful, miserable place to be. Sometimes it can make you wish you were back with the narc because that was easier.

As we've discussed elsewhere, it truly can be hard to find people who understand and support you. Very few people have even heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, much less understand how it works, and unless you know a narc or study them, you would never imagine such people existed among us. The things about your narc which are hard for you to believe and understand are even harder for others to believe and understand. It's not impossible to explain about NPD and narcs to others, but you probably will only want to go through that effort with a chosen few. (You might refer them to this blog or other websites so they get support and further explanation from an impartial third party.) But no one is likely to get it unless they are told, and even then will probably be confused.

Sometimes it can help a little to tell those people in your life who trust and respect you something like this: "I know you'd never guess it from knowing so-and-so, but he's emotionally abusive and hurt me a lot." You may get a "that's crazy--but he's always so kind/sweet/helpful/pleasant/etc." Then you can point out, "Yes, that's how he got me to fall for him. But as soon as he got me there, he changed. I couldn't believe it either for the longest time. He really sucked me in--I was so fooled that when the real him appeared I told myself it couldn't be happening. But it did, and I put up with it for a long time, but it was destroying me so I had to get away from him."

Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.

When these things happen, it's okay to cry about the injustice, to fly into a rage at what he's doing without you or to you, to feel lonely and misunderstood. Let yourself weep or scream in the privacy of your own home or in the presence of those who support you. Then step back, acknowledging the okayness, healthiness, and normality of those emotions, but not letting them define to you who you are. Don't let them tell you any toxic stories, like "I'll never win," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't get over this unless something bad happens to him," or "I'll always be alone." 

Yes, this is happening to you and it won't be completely over for awhile. Yes, it really sucks that the reality of the situation is hidden from so many people's eyes. But honestly, your life is starting again now without the bad element in it that got you in this situation. You literally have nowhere to go but up. You survived--all by yourself--all the things he did to you, and you got free or are getting free.

In fact, you are winning, whether anyone knows it or not. You will be happy again. You are going to be fine and won't even bother caring anymore what happens to him. 

And you aren't alone, even if no one you know personally gets it. The world is teeming with narc victims like you, and they are an amazingly supportive group in my experience. I recommend you seek out some, either through a therapist or counselor who may know others, or online. Many narc victims have blogs that are full of thoughts and feelings that will confirm yours. And I highly recommend the Narcissist group at www.supportgroups.com, where your brothers and sisters in this sort of abuse are happy to listen and help.

Above all, NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be abused, and it's not your fault. I get it, and anyone who was able to understand would feel the same.

Do I have to cut ties with my narcissist's family and friends?

One of the people I've worked with on SupportGroups.com asked me this question. Because of course if you have a long-term relationship with someone, you will likely have mutual friends, and possibly have gotten close to his parents, siblings, or other relatives. This makes it tough when you arrive at the point when you want to go no-contact. 

What if these family members still want to stay in touch, and even seem supportive because they recognize the issues with the narcissist? What if these friends press upon you their desire to still socialize with you? Do you really have to cut good people out of your life in order to move on? Isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

These questions don't have black and white answers, and you will need to examine both your specific situation and your current state of mind to figure out what's right for you.

One principle to keep in mind is that, at least in the short term, your number one priority is to escape the influence of your narcissist. That's the whole point of no-contact, after all. You don't cut the narc out of your life to punish him--you do it in the interest of a healthy and happy future for you. So ask yourself, what are your true motivations for wanting to keep the adjunct people in your life? If any of these reasons include any element related to the narc, then that's a warning sign.

For example, perhaps on some level you think staying involved with his best friend will allow you to "keep tabs," monitor how the narc is doing, if he might be wanting to get you back, or has met someone new, is missing you, or is going on without the slightest qualm. Maybe you want to continue to nurture a relationship with his parents so you can prove you are a better person than he is, that they don't want to lose you because you have value to them. Maybe you simply want to cling to these relationships because they feel like they're all you have left of the lost narcissist.

Things like this indicate that your interest in these people is tainted with a continuing interest in your narc, and that's exactly what you don't need. You are working to get to a point where you don't need to prove anything to yourself or to him regarding your worth. You are striving to let go of caring about him, or caring what he thinks of you. You are looking to yourself and those who love you for validation, and making the present and future a safe and happy place for you, without the toxicity which you have managed to survive.

It is possible that your affinity for these other people is actually not related to your narc in any way. You may have a mutual friend who has become a huge supporter and has actually been helping you to cut the ties with your narcissist. Perhaps even his family members are "on your side." The idea that keeping a person such as this in your life is not out of the realm of possibility.

But I still offer one caveat:  If staying involved with such a person means staying involved with your narcissist for more than the very short term, even as a topic of conversation, be careful. Your ultimate goal is a time in your life when you can go days, weeks, even months, without giving the narc a thought. You are looking to build up the relationships, interests, hobbies and goals that take you back to your true self, and forward to new and exciting places.  If, and only if, this person can move on with you in that way, then go for it!

In these days of social media, no-contact is a huge challenge. But you may know from experience how seeing just one status update or reading one tweet pertaining to your narc's life can ruin your day and set back your progress tremendously. It's important to review the connections you have to the friends and family of your narcissist, and block or de-friend as you need to for your own peace of mind. As the victim of emotional abuse, you absolutely have that right.

And that goes for social gatherings, texting, phone calls, and all the rest, too. You can do your best to explain if you have to terminate a relationship due to the break-up with your narc...but in the end, you don't have to convince anyone you're doing the right thing. Except, that is, yourself. And trust me, if that relationship is causing your narcissist's presence in your life to linger, you have every reason to let it go.