Why shouldn't I just cooperate with my narcissist?

There's absolutely no question that the easiest approach to having a narc in your life is to cooperate with him. That, of course, is the way he has deliberately arranged life for you: do as he says, and things will be okay, but disobey and there will be a price. The thing is, there is also a price to be paid for chronically complying with a narcissist's demands, and it's much worse in the end.

Sometime before I born, my mother learned to cave to narcissists. Perhaps her own father or brother were in that category, or perhaps she only had my dad to deal with. At any rate, from the earliest moment I my childhood that I can recall, there was one overarching principle in place in my house: do NOT do anything to irritate my father. Rebellion of any kind was absolutely out of the question for us both. Sometimes, being a small child, I failed to anticipate my dad's requirements, or just didn't have the emotional wherewithal to meet his demands. The cruel response to these misdeeds drove me all the more to avoid such situations at all costs. My father didn't apply physical abuse, but he sure knew how to belittle, shame, and terrify. My mom was sometimes sympathetic, but more often upset with me for upsetting my dad. I knew his abusive tactics were the same for my mom, but I didn't fully appreciate the horrors of her life until the poor woman had passed.

My life story eventually had a happy ending. But the sad story of my mom demonstrates what can happen to the narcissist's victim if she never fights back. For over 50 years Mom stayed in a largely miserable relationship, not even recognizing that she had other options. She was a professional with a college degree and excellent job experience throughout her adult life, but she couldn't muster the courage to leave the misery behind and strike out on her own. I have no doubt that she was crippled by the same fear of my father's retribution that prevented me from disobeying him even when he was elderly and almost helpless.

That's what happens eventually: Your mind is warped by the years of emotional manipulation until you can't even see any way out. And you can also have the classic traits of the sufferer of narcissistic abuse forced upon you: chronic anxiety, depression, poor self-image, hyper-vigilance, confusion, lack of confidence, etc. Meanwhile, you develop the classic symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome, experienced by kidnappees and prisoners of war. You sympathize with your abuser, make excuses for him and defend him, and devote yourself all the more to trying to please him.

With such a warped view of yourself and the world around you, you cannot function as a healthy, successful person. These issues affect your relationships, your job, and your health, both mental and physical.

Imagine if you lived in a house full of mold, and for some strange reason were convinced there was no way to get rid of it and nowhere else for you to live. Eventually that mold would destroy your health. Well, you are sharing your life with a person who is just as toxic as that mold. You can continue to sit in your chair and breathe in the mold until it kills you, or you can eradicate it from your life.

Just imagine that clean house, and how wonderful it would be to breathe freely....