Why does everyone blame me for what happened with my narcissist?

One of the unfortunate things about dealing with a narcissist is the fact that they are such great bamboozlers. This, of course, is how they snagged you in the first place, and one of the reasons they kept a grip on you for months and years.

But the narc's ability to charm and impress is a double curse for his victim: He also bamboozles everyone around you. After your break-up, you are a mess of tears, rage, and confusion. You don't know how to begin explaining to friends, family, or co-workers what happened to you, and if you manage to try, they don't seem to believe you. Meanwhile he's cool as a cucumber, happily moving on with life and possibly already making the scene with your replacement. And/or he may be spreading the word about how he tried to make it work with you, but you went nuts and refuse to listen to reason. He appears as whatever will move/impress his audience the most: sympathetic, long-suffering, and sweet to some...reasonable, mentally healthy, and thriving to others.

So not only are you dealing with your past abuse, you can't seem to find anyone to understand or support you. And you have to watch him carry on blithely as if nothing happened, he's happier than ever, and he's the one behaving like a normal, sensible human being.

This is obviously an acutely painful, miserable place to be. Sometimes it can make you wish you were back with the narc because that was easier.

As we've discussed elsewhere, it truly can be hard to find people who understand and support you. Very few people have even heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, much less understand how it works, and unless you know a narc or study them, you would never imagine such people existed among us. The things about your narc which are hard for you to believe and understand are even harder for others to believe and understand. It's not impossible to explain about NPD and narcs to others, but you probably will only want to go through that effort with a chosen few. (You might refer them to this blog or other websites so they get support and further explanation from an impartial third party.) But no one is likely to get it unless they are told, and even then will probably be confused.

Sometimes it can help a little to tell those people in your life who trust and respect you something like this: "I know you'd never guess it from knowing so-and-so, but he's emotionally abusive and hurt me a lot." You may get a "that's crazy--but he's always so kind/sweet/helpful/pleasant/etc." Then you can point out, "Yes, that's how he got me to fall for him. But as soon as he got me there, he changed. I couldn't believe it either for the longest time. He really sucked me in--I was so fooled that when the real him appeared I told myself it couldn't be happening. But it did, and I put up with it for a long time, but it was destroying me so I had to get away from him."

Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.

When these things happen, it's okay to cry about the injustice, to fly into a rage at what he's doing without you or to you, to feel lonely and misunderstood. Let yourself weep or scream in the privacy of your own home or in the presence of those who support you. Then step back, acknowledging the okayness, healthiness, and normality of those emotions, but not letting them define to you who you are. Don't let them tell you any toxic stories, like "I'll never win," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't get over this unless something bad happens to him," or "I'll always be alone." 

Yes, this is happening to you and it won't be completely over for awhile. Yes, it really sucks that the reality of the situation is hidden from so many people's eyes. But honestly, your life is starting again now without the bad element in it that got you in this situation. You literally have nowhere to go but up. You survived--all by yourself--all the things he did to you, and you got free or are getting free.

In fact, you are winning, whether anyone knows it or not. You will be happy again. You are going to be fine and won't even bother caring anymore what happens to him. 

And you aren't alone, even if no one you know personally gets it. The world is teeming with narc victims like you, and they are an amazingly supportive group in my experience. I recommend you seek out some, either through a therapist or counselor who may know others, or online. Many narc victims have blogs that are full of thoughts and feelings that will confirm yours. And I highly recommend the Narcissist group at www.supportgroups.com, where your brothers and sisters in this sort of abuse are happy to listen and help.

Above all, NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be abused, and it's not your fault. I get it, and anyone who was able to understand would feel the same.

How do I explain my narcissist to other people and refute his lies about me?

Everybody gets it when a marriage or familial relationship ends over normal reasons like sexual or physical abuse or infidelity. Even incompatibility can make sense to others as the reason you split with a spouse or mate. The situation is not so easy when you are involved with a narcissist.

First of all, as I've explained before, the minds and hearts of narcissists are so alien from what normally constitutes human psychology, we regular humans could never guess such creatures exist. Unless your family members, friends, and associates have personally dealt with a narcissist, they may find it very hard to believe what is going on beneath your narc's exterior.

Consequently, you may find other people struggle to believe your claims about your narc's behavior. You'll get things like "but he's always been really sweet to me," and "I can't believe he would do something like that," and "but some of the fault for that must have been yours...are you sure you didn't provoke him?" Most narcs are great at coming across to everyone but their victims as upstanding and wonderful people. Frustrating as it is, it's not surprising others view your narc positively...and never dream a human being is capable of the things he has done to you.

This is part of the reason it's so commonplace for the narc's victim to be viewed as the person responsible for the breakup. Another is that while you are confused and struggling with guilt, shame, and other emotions that keep you silent, the narc is delighted to fabricate stories and spread them wildly. You are trying to make sense of what happened to you. He's playing the victim, garnering sympathy, and badmouthing you with lies.

So what can you do? How can you hope to make any headway in being understood when in a circumstance like this?

There are some ways to fight back and cope.  Here are a few:

1. Start by understanding what has happened to you and how a narc operates. Read all you can, discuss NPD with your counselor or support group if you have one. Get the full picture so you are able to articulate with conviction your situation.

2. Determine a trusted family member or friend who you think will get it. Even if there's only one person, feeling like someone who understands and is on your side will be a great comfort and confidence builder. Look for someone who knows you well and believes in you, and/or someone who has glimpsed the "dark side" of your narc. Talk through whatever you are comfortable with sharing with that person. (I really recommend checking out the Support Group's Narcissist group.)

3. Put your situation in terms others will understand. Everyone knows what it means when you use terms like "emotionally abusive" and "bullying." If you need to explain the breakup to someone and are comfortable with using these sorts of words in their presence, sometimes this will suffice. When talking to my elderly father's caretakers about our estrangement, I said things like "he bullied me and my mom all my life" and "he was emotionally abusive to me."

4. Remain calm and rational when discussing your narc. It's not always easy, but by appearing completely lucid and emotionally balanced, you are increasing your likelihood of being listened to. Calmly stating "I was emotionally abused privately for years--I never let on" is better than ranting "he's evil--he tortured me--I'm practically suicidal!" He is evil, he did torture you, and you may understandably be feeling suicidal, but you won't do your cause any favors by expressing yourself in a way that makes others uncomfortable or scared.

5. Pick your battles. Not everyone needs to know what happened to you. Examine each situation individually. It's not that important if people you don't even know are hearing negative things about you on Facebook. It is important that if your child is acting out in school because of abuse by your narc husband, you have conferences with teachers and counselors about the truth.

6. Don't put too much weight on what others are saying or thinking. This is one of those things that is completely out of your control. Slight acquaintances or people who don't know you are the ones most likely to judge you harshly, and they have little to do with your actual happiness. Meanwhile, you actually can influence the important people in your life by sharing the truth with them. The ones who believe you are always the ones that are actually of value to you as friends and family members. And even if they don't get it, they probably still love you and want to support you. People who truly care won't judge you negatively.

And in the end, no one else's opinion of you matters even a fraction as much as your opinion.

It is your own opinion that most shapes your day-to-day reality. You know the truth, you know you are a good person who deserves love and happiness. Don't let your narc's lies or his influence on others alter your self-image. What matters in the end, what will matter the most in your life to come, is the reality of who you are. It is that love of and belief in yourself that will carry you forward and shine for all to see.

Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn't people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn't you maintain some sympathy for your narc's lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it's the latter), it's a sorry state of affairs. It's a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it's because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy...and it's never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it's important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that's on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that "woe is me" exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it's possible he can't even walk anymore (I really don't know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don't let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don't permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you're tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help--which is doubtful--you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

Why do I have some good memories involving my narcissist?

We've established that narcissists think only of themselves and never the happiness of others. That would suggest that narcs are incapable of making others happy.

But chances are you can think of plenty of examples of times when you were happy in the presence of your narcissist partner, parent, child, sibling or friend. You had a good time, or you felt connected, or you believed they loved you and approved of you. Does this mean you were living in a dream world, deluded and confused? Or did you truly derive something positive from being around the narcissist?

I have plenty of "fond memories" of times with my narc ex-husband. There were moments of giddy romance, hours of interesting and fun conversation. Likewise, there were occasions with my narc father that I will always remember as joyful: learning from him, laughing with him.

I don't look upon these times in a negative way. That is, I don't so much think of them from the narc's perspective, as times when I was manipulated into seeing a happy, loving reality that just wasn't there. Sure, it's true that on those occasions the narcissist in my life wasn't motivated by wanting the best for me. These were not acts of selfless love, but rather were situations when the narc was seeking the ultimate benefits to himself that would result from treating me kindly at that time. But that doesn't invalidate my happiness in those moments.

Rather, I look at those pleasant occasions from my point of view. I think about my innocence, my trusting nature, my positive outlook on life as the true source of those good times. We truly create our own realities and are ultimately the most responsible for what we take from what happens to us. So I look back with fondness not for my narc father and husband, but for my younger self.

I smile at the childlike wonder I felt when my father taught me things or shared experiences with me, and I warm at the thought of my believing I was worthy of love and protection, even though those things were false. I'm proud of myself for thinking well of the world around me, for being innocent and trusting.

Likewise, I treasure my memories of how I believed in love, romance, and intimacy. It's to my credit that I had faith in my narc husband, even though he proved to be faithless. I'm happy I was capable of love, and that I was trusting and forthright and devoted, and saw my husband as a much better person that he was. I gave up those dreams eventually and embraced the much less happy reality that was actually there, but I'm not sorry for the original outlook I had that brought me joy while it lasted.

So if you have good memories of experiences with your narc, take the credit for those happy moments yourself. They are a reflection not of any good in the narcissist, but of all the good in you, of how your soul naturally seeks the positive and rejoices in the positive things it perceives, regardless of what motivation lies beneath.

There's no need to cast aside your happy memories. Just let them be a reminder of what a good person you are, and encourage you to love and believe in yourself and your ability to make the most out of life.

Why does everyone else think my narcissist is a great person?

Spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie "Frozen" yet! 

Prince Hans of the Southern Isles appears to be the romantic hero of Disney's "Frozen" when he sweeps Princess Anna off her feet in a single evening. He seems to share all her interests, feel exactly like she does, and they even finish each other's...sandwiches.  He's handsome, charming, charismatic, and apparently Anna's dream man.

But in the end the truth comes out: It's all been an elaborate act. In reality Hans is only interested in himself, and he fooled not only Anna but everyone in her kingdom into believing he is a sensitive, beneficent, self-sacrificing leader.

You can make a good case that this Disney character is a narcissist. He certainly feels not the slightest remorse for his cruelties, and is smug and self-satisfied as far as his own morals and behavior. He's the ultimate user, he knows it and is proud of it.

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with a narcissist is that they, like Prince Hans, are brilliant at appearing to be wonderful. Unlike normal people, they do not let their behavior to be a reflection of their true thoughts and feelings. Rather, they gear it always as to be tool, a means to an end. This makes them remarkably successful at getting people on their side, either by impressing them or intimidating them. Their preferred approach with anyone who might, like Anna, be a means to power, is to seem as attractive, good, and wonderful as possible.

So don't be surprised at all if your narcissist is powerful, influential, popular, and considered by all around you to be a great guy. He's put a lot of effort into that while you were busy being genuine, doing and saying what your mind and heart told you to. 

If you're trying to break from your narcissist, you can bet he will redouble his efforts to be charming to anyone and everyone that you would want especially to see the truth about him. That includes any shared children he's fighting for, his new girlfriend, his and your relatives, your friends, your shared Facebook/Twitter friends and followers, the members of your church, therapists and social workers, and the judge deciding your children's custody. He will work hard, and he'll be good at it...he's had a lifetime of practice, including a significant part of time when he wooed you. Don't get too angry at those people; it's far more his fault than theirs. They, like most people, don't even know that narcissists exist or how they operate.

Undoubtedly you feel very driven to show the world what an evil person you've been dealing with, proving his guilt, and getting some justice. Those feelings are normal and understandable, and telling your side of the story is important and totally within your rights. But when you find yourself butting heads with people who just don't understand or believe you, sometimes the only person who gets hurt is you. And you've already suffered enough. Don't seek understanding from those people--you will only waste energy and bring yourself more frustration and disappointment, not to mention the erroneous but powerful feeling that you might be crazy.

Instead, go to people who do understand and believe you, most especially other victims of narcissists who totally get it. Again, I recommend the Narcissists group on www.supportgroups.com, where there are plenty of people who will believe every word you say about your narc because they know narcissists. 

As far as crusading to convince the world your narc is evil, as Elsa would say: "Let it go." The less you think about that crusade, the better off you'll be. And after all, living well is the best revenge. Focus more on your being happy and less on his being miserable, and you will be far better off.

Just how different is a narcissist from regular people?

We've touched on the qualities that make a narcissist:  self-centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of shame, etc. But today I just want to emphasize to you the importance of fully grasping the difference between a narc and human beings like you and me.

I recently read a book by Deepak Chopra in which he talked about soul as the immutable thing that connects all human beings together. Deepak suggested that when we feel love, or selflessness, or empathy for other people, we are connecting to our fellow humans via this spiritual plane that joins us all. I envisioned the realm of soul as a field of light and warmth, over which is placed the physical world like a blanket or sheet. Each one of us is like a tiny hole poked through that sheet, revealing the light of the soul beyond.

It struck me then that narcissists are beings that have chosen to utterly block that hole, to cut themselves off from love and connection. They want to be totally self-contained and self-reliant, trusting no one but themselves. They want to have it all, to share nothing, and therefore abhor the soul connection that brings obligations to other people. In a sense therefore they are soulless. And without a doubt, they are as different from normal human "points of light" as night is from day.

Regardless of whether this model appeals to you, I think the analogy is a good one. Do not for a moment make the mistake that the narcissist has some humanity as you have come to understand that term. If he is acting like he loves you and pouring flattery on you, rest assured this is an act designed to manipulate you. Don't expect him ever to change his ways, sincerely repent of any act, or feel regret, guilt or shame--none of that is in his repertoire. If he behaves generously, kindly, magnanimously towards others, you can bet it's all to keep up the facade of his own goodness. He may fool the rest of the world--narcs are brilliant at that--but don't for a moment let him fool you.

In the online support group where I work to help victims of narcs, I have on two occasions encountered people posting who had read the traits of narcissists and were scared that they were narcs. They felt terrible for the cruelties they inflicted on loved ones, and wanted to know if there was some way they could be cured of their NPD. In both cases I assured the individuals that if they were writing truthfully, they could not possibly be narcissists.

There are most definitely people in the world who are cruel and selfish because they were spoiled as children, because they are deeply insecure, etc. These characteristics are faults we all exhibit from time to time. There are lots of reasons why people become bullies or egotists, and in most cases if they are sincerely interested in changing, they can. There is a difference between such people and narcissists. These individuals are teeny, tiny pinpricks through to the realm of the soul. For that reason they can see their own faults, they can feel guilt for their misdeeds and empathy for those they've hurt. They have the wherewithal to enlarge those pinpricks and access more light.

But not narcissists. Narcissists would call such people weak and stupid. They would laugh at their remorse and find it disgusting. They would inwardly boast of their superiority to such fools. And not in a million years would they have any interest in the light...in fact, they can't begin to understand it.

I don't know why there are people like this in the world...psychologists are baffled by the phenomenon. I wish there were some way to help them, but there's not--they will never change. The important thing to take away from this post is a recognition of the vast difference between narcs and the rest of our species. In all your dealings with them and your decisions concerning them, never let this fact slip out of your attention. None of us were raised even guessing people could be this way, so it takes effort to remember it's true.

Sad, but very true.

Why am I still in love with my narcissist?

There is no question in your mind that your narcissist spouse/partner/lover is ruining your life. He's manipulative, cruel, abusive, controlling, horrible in every way. You are miserable with him. Perhaps you've even left him, broken up with him already.

But you still love him.

You dream of being back together. You fantasize that he will beg you to come back. You think about him all day. You just want him to love you.

It's quite likely that you also feel like the world's biggest fool, that you are still holding a candle for someone who has done nothing but hurt you. You alternate between pining for him and beating yourself up for being an idiot. Your emotions don't make sense but you can't make them stop. You wonder if you've lost your mind.

Well, you aren't crazy, you aren't stupid, you aren't a fool. You're simply being the exact person your narcissist has spent months and years molding you into. This situation is less about you and any shortcomings in your personality or sanity, and more about the amazing talent your narc has for molding and shaping other humans into what he wants them to be.

Over the course of your relationship, the narc has subtly, craftily convinced you that he is the true judge of what makes a woman desirable. If you can make him love and want you, then and only then will you have proven your worth as a human being. Meanwhile, he has rewired your brain into abject devotion to meeting his needs. Maybe he used the approach of making you want to be the only one who truly understands him, or the only one who will put up with him, or the only one who can make him happy. So now without that purpose to your life, you feel meaningless. Or maybe he used a more negative approach, punishing you with ridicule, anger, or criticism whenever you failed to devote yourself to him and let him have his way. So now you're terrified that you've rebelled in heart or in action, and wish you could escape that fear by being obedient again.

Whatever the technique the narcissist has used on you, the result was some form of this: he trained you to stay in the relationship. So now, of course, you find yourself wanting to stay in the relationship. You think it gives you purpose, proves your self-worth, keeps you safe from retribution. Loving him, even though there are so many reasons to hate him, is safer and easier and can in fact seem like the only solution.

This is exactly how the psychological condition called "Stockholm Syndrome" works. Wikipedia explains the syndrome thus:

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

There are logical reasons for why victims of abuse experience these feelings that seem on their face to be so illogical. As Wikipedia states, "Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat." In other words, you coped with the narc's abuse by perceiving it as a kind of affection. If he was cruel to you, it was because you mattered enough to him that he chose to give you that intense attention. No matter that the "attention" was negative and abusive--in order to bear up, your mind found ways to look at it as acceptable, deserved, positive.

The result of this is that your brain has been trained so that you no longer have normal means of protecting yourself. If another woman who hadn't been abused by a narc was dropped into your place, she would dump your narcissist within a day of experiencing how he treats you. Family and friends may have been telling you for a long time to leave him because they look at his behavior clearly. But your psyche is your narc's life's work...he put his whole effort into making you into a creature that takes what he dishes out and is happy to come back for more.

So you do still feel love for him. But you shouldn't. That love is not coming from your heart but from your programmed brain. The only way to get yourself free is to break through the fear, anxiety, and shame and look what has happened to you right in the face. Strip the mask off your narc and let yourself feel genuine emotion over what's been done to you. That can be very scary, but after you've processed that real emotion, trust me, you'll come out a whole person on the other side. Figure out his games, unravel the lies. Do not have any contact with him, including cyberstalking and following him on social media. If he tries to get you back, DON'T DO IT. And recover your self-worth not by caving and going back to a hellish existence with him, but by seeing clearly the great person you are and all you have to offer the world.

Lean on anyone in your life who understands, supports you, believes in you, and thinks you are a good person. Have patience with how hard it can be for others to understand what narcissistic victims go through, and look for the well-meaning behind their actions. Do things you enjoy--revive old hobbies, find the things that used to engage you before life became all about him. Choose to do what's right for YOU...this is the time for that.

There is one other thing that I personally believe can make a huge difference to narc victims who are trapped in feelings of love and stuck in their efforts to change. I will talk all about that in the next post.

Are there any exercises that would help me make sense of the confusion my narcissist causes me?

Any victim of a narcissist has experienced lots of confusion. First, there's the fact that as a normal person you cannot fathom the way the narcissist's mind works, so you're frequently surprised or even shocked by his behavior. Second, there's the fact that in order to stay in control, narcs often lie and do all they can to convince their victims to believe in the alternate, fictitious reality that suits their purposes. Third, the narcissist loves confusing you just for its own sake--it's a rush to see your head spin, your conviction crumble, and your emotions go into turmoil.

You can fight your way out of this confusion, but it will take effort and time. I'd like to give you a few suggestions to encourage this process.

Hold Court

In my case, the first exercise I found really helpful was to do all I could to prove to myself my father and ex-husband truly had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I literally copied off the web several lists of traits of narcissists and wrote specific examples from my experience that showed these guys had NPD. Whenever I felt guilt, shame, fear, or loss of resolve, I reread the "rap sheet" to remind myself through concrete example that I had been the victim of messed-up people who had wanted nothing except to use me.

I found the lists on this website particularly helpful in my case. Search the internet for lists that hit home to you and your particular situation. Do as I did (I do recommend actually writing it down for later reference) and hold a little trial for your narcissist, making the case to yourself and proving a conviction. Every time you feel yourself schwaffling, reread your trial transcript. Add more examples if it helps you. And remember, just because you can think of times when the narc seemed to care or did something nice doesn't get him off the hook. Any criminal "does things right" when it serves his purpose. But innocent people don't make a lifestyle out of cruel behavior like your narc did/does.

Let Your Feelings Out

Victims of narcissists spend their lives appeasing the one they serve. More often than not, that includes stifling the normal human response to abuse. A classic example from my life is when my then-husband confessed an affair he'd been having just as it was falling apart. He was in despair over losing this love interest and actually told me about it just so he could get sympathy and understanding. Believe it or not (maybe you do!), I buried my feelings of betrayal and despair and devoted myself to listening to his sob story and comforting him! Classic Stockholm Syndrome at work there.

I have no doubt that you can look back on your relationship with your narc and find plenty of occasions when your needs and feelings went unnoticed and it was all about the narcissist. You may well have not even taken particular notice that this was happening. Well, it's time to look back on those times and let yourself feel and express what you should have been able to experience then. It's time to let it be about YOU. Imagine or write down how you would have reacted had you not been in thrall to the narc. The more you do this, the clearly it will become to you what a warped, unfair, lopsided relationship you had, and how much you suffered at the hands of your narcissist. It won't be long before you start losing the feelings of guilt and fear that plague you now. Reality will have its way!

Mindfulness

If you're like me, your narcissist's-victim-training included indoctrination into a world of fear. Now that you are daring to consider rebelling against the will of your narc, naturally your emotional response is terror, panic and terrible anxiety. No matter what logic you apply to the situation to convince yourself you are not in danger, these emotions will assault you. I found myself not only terrified, but also hyper-vigilant. I couldn't help but run scenarios in my head all day and night of what might happen. My father would call me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. Or kill my pets, or burn down my house. All these imagined torments filled me with as much fear as if they were really happening.

One of the best ways to deal with imagined horrors in any circumstance is mindfulness. Mindfulness brings your attention back to what is really happening to you and around you, rather than what is happening in your imagination as you fret and worry. It breaks the cycle of your fear causing you to envision frightening things, which in turn maintain your fear. It can be as simple as switching your attention to the sensations around you right now, such as how your clothes feel, what you are smelling, and the objects you see in the room. The whole point is to get out of your head and into reality, where at the moment you are perfectly safe.

This webpage has an excellent explanation of how anxiety works, as well as a simple introduction to meditation to alleviate it. Meditation simply involves focusing on your breathing in order to direct your thoughts away from the imagined terrors. Meditation and mindfulness were key elements to my setting aside the crippling fear that came along with splitting with my narcissist.

What these three exercises have in common is helping you to escape the world the narcissist has trained you to believe in, and reconnect with the real world, your true feelings, and your actual circumstances. Working on these things will not only break the narc's power over you but start you down the path to emotional recovery and a much happier life.

What do I do about feeling so guilty for defying my narcissist?

One of the hardest things you have to face now is the tremendous guilt you feel for not accommodating your narcissist. After all, we're talking about a very significant person in your life. If it's your boyfriend/girlfriend, it's someone with whom you were planning to spend your foreseeable future. If a spouse, you committed yourself, you took vows. If a parent, sibling, or child, they are your flesh and blood. These sorts of relationships are not supposed to be broken.

But now you've decided to break with someone you never dreamed you'd abandon or shun. It seems absolutely crazy, and every voice in your head--along with at least a few outside your head--are telling you a decent person would find a way toward reconciliation. "You can't heal without forgiveness." "No one is beyond saving." "Your Christian duty." Yada yada yada.

Here's the thing: You, the voices in your head, your friends and advisors, and a whole bunch of self-help books are not taking one very important thing into account: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All these rules of society, principles of human nature, tried-and-true adages are for dealing with normal human beings. Narcs are not normal human beings. In certain ways, they are not human beings at all, but more like psychological vampires, creatures that suck the joy and strength from humans. Or like aliens who take over the will of humans and force them to do their bidding.

Forgiveness means nothing genuine to people like this, because they cannot ever fathom that they have done something wrong. Reconciliation doesn't mean to them what it does to you, it only means the well of attention and devotion is no longer dry and can be tapped again. Lifelong commitment is something they cannot and will not understand, even if they stay attached to you for your entire life, like my dad did with my mom. All it means is that their victim never managed to put a stop to the abuse, like my mom failed to do with my dad.

You must keep all this in mind when you start to feel guilty. You don't feel guilty for ridding your body of an infection, for driving an intruder from your house, or for not giving your credit card to a stranger to use. You don't apologize for wanting to drive them away!

Don't mistake empty titles for true bonds. "Husband" is a label, not a character trait. So is "Mom" or "Brother." The narcissist has never functioned in your life as a real lover, father, sibling, true friend, so he doesn't get to hide behind the protection of a title.

Likewise, you need to tear down the facade you created for your narc. Most victims of narcissists manage to survive their day-to-day lives by inwardly minimize the crimes of their abusers, and believing in false versions of their narcs that actually possess the characteristics associated with their role. You may play down your husband's cruelty as "crabbiness," or your mother's insults as "having high standards." You might play up the occasional kindnesses or believe in faked acts of niceness, so desperate are you for love and affection.

The fault is not yours. Your narcissist has made a career of training you to be his puppet and think what he wants you to think. He's used positive and negative reinforcement, lying, gaslighting, threats, and every form of mental and emotional manipulation to control your feelings. You have been brainwashed to believe it's always your fault, he's always right (or at least in control), you are wrong unless you agree with him, and there's nothing wrong with him, it's all you. So naturally any disobedience on your part, much less an actual full-stage rebellion, is going to make you feel terrible guilt and fear!

What can you do about it? You have to reprogram your brain and heart. You have to deliberately counterattack, consistently and often, with reason and logic. Examine all your thoughts and feelings in the light of this new information and reality. Figure out what your narcissist is really like, what he was really doing all along. Understand how you have been duped and manipulated. Reconsider all the thoughts and feelings you used to dismiss as crazy or inappropriate. Reevaluate them and see how you were the normal one, there were real reasons for what you thought and felt. Review your past history and analyze what was actually happening. Make sense of it all in this new light.

I recommend you also express all this in some form. Journaling is really helpful in straightening out all the confusion and making ideas concrete, as well as venting pent up and buried emotions. Finding a trustworthy, loving person to talk with throughout the process is key, whether it be a friend or a professional.

I also want to suggest some specific exercises that might be as helpful to you as they were to me, So we'll look at those in the next post.

Why should I go "no contact" with my narcissist?

This is the first time I have used the phrase "no contact," but it certainly won't be the last. I'm here today to convince you that the only effective way to escape the clutches of a narc is to make a clean and complete break from him.

Of course it may be, particularly in the case of separating from a spouse with whom you've had children, that practical considerations prevent you from cutting off all communication. In that event you can do no better than limit contact to the minimum requirement, and work vigilantly to keep your emotions out of your interactions. Meanwhile, you will need to support your children as they cope with having a narcissistic parent. The whole subject of co-parenting with a narcissist is broad and huge, and I will address related topics over time. For now, a good place to start is this link. There are many excellent resources like this online that you can find googling "co-parenting with a narcissist."

But assuming that practically speaking you are able to do it, the no contact rule is ironclad. Why? First, because any emotional connection with a narcissist is toxic. Second, because you have an established relationship as the narc's victim and there is absolutely nothing you can do to reframe it--the narcissist will undermine your efforts every time. He will adapt to your determination to change things by either (1) forcing you back into your old role using the same tried-and-true tactics he has always used, or (2) deciding you're no longer worth the trouble and cutting you out of his life himself, at least until you come crawling back.

Remember what we've already discussed about how narcissists operate: he doesn't have genuine human feelings for you, he simply views you as the means to an end. He needs you to supply him with praise, attention, obedience, and any other emotional support he's craving at the time. If you come to him with ideas about getting more attention yourself, getting a break from giving to him all the time, being treated better, being made to feel more loved, etc....well, there's nothing in any of those proposals for him, so he will not be interested in supporting or fostering them. If he says he is, rest assured he is lying. It's not in his nature to want any of them.

If your narcissist judges that your mind is made up, and there is no way he can bend your will this time, he will cut you off without shedding a single tear. And believe me, that's the easiest result. If it happens to you, rejoice!

If on the other hand he senses you do not really have conviction, that on some level you want to be talked out of your decision, he will immediately commence plotting the best way to get you back in line. He will probably try some of these things:

• Apologizing profusely and promising to change
• Doing something really nice like giving you a gift or performing a romantic gesture
• Convincing you that you have judged him wrongly
• Demonstrating to you that you are actually at fault for the problems
• Threatening you with some sort of punishment
• Meeting your rejection with equal rejection because he knows it will "scare you straight"

He may attempt these things right away, or employ them down the line, but regardless the key is not to give in. And that's why no contact is so important. If you dismantle all means for him to communicate with you, he won't be able to manipulate you. That is your best line of defense.

So do not see him face to face, do not answer his phone calls, do not read his texts or emails. Unfriend him on Facebook, don't stalk him in any form of social media. If you don't have the resolve to ignore his attempts at communication and have to resort to changing your phone number, email address, screen names, etc., then do it. I know it can be hard if you are both invited to parties or family gatherings, but this may require you to sacrifice some aspects of your other relationships too. Some of those people will understand, others won't. But that doesn't alter the importance of what you are doing by going no contact.

The reason for it is not only to protect yourself from his influence, but also to drive home the point that he can no longer use you. Once he clearly and certainly has grasped that fact, he will probably leave you alone and move on to finding someone else to victimize. And again, that's the happiest possible ending for you.

Having him out of sight will also help you put him out of mind. There is a grieving process you must go through, a sorting out of your beliefs and a reframing of your memories, and these things will all take time. But the ultimate goal is for you to move on and rarely have to think about (certainly not with great emotion) your relationship with the narcissist. As long as he is involved in your life in some way, this challenge is made more difficult.

Going no contact is tough, but there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself. That's what we'll be talking about in the next post.

I want to escape my narcissist--what happens now?

I imagine one of two things has occurred in your life:

1. Your narc rejected you, broke up with you, or otherwise caused a rift; or 
2. You yourself have reached a crisis point where you can't take it anymore.

Regardless of which of these is the impetus for your wanting to make a change--and it can be a combination of both--odds are that what happens next will be the same. You will second guess yourself. Severely and repeatedly. Doubt, confusion, fear and guilt will well up in you. And while this is happening, one or more of these other forces could come into play:

1. The narcissist will say/do things to either make you feel guilty or woo you back.
2. Other family members, friends, or involved third parties will urge a reconciliation.
3. Practical considerations will arise to make a change seem daunting or even impossible.

All this can make the idea of truly removing this toxic person from your life seem like a roadblock as large as Mount Everest. But YOU CAN DO IT. You are not alone, there is help. And part of that help is me. I will break down this immense task into smaller, more manageable pieces, and advise you in every way I can of the tools and approaches you can employ to make it easier.

The first place to begin is with yourself. Because whatever other people are telling you, the ultimate authority on your life is YOU. Those others don't have the firsthand knowledge of what you've been through. They don't know you or your abuser the way you do. They probably have no understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or how it works. Why should you heed the advice of people who aren't experts, nor are they fully informed? Meanwhile, you can be certain of your own motives: you want to be able to have the happiness that is your right as a decent human being. But other people (especially your narc) have their own agendas; even if they love you, they are also thinking of themselves.

You, like any other human, deserve the freedom to determine your own fate and pursue happiness. No one has the right to tell you to allow yourself to be abused. It is never a good thing for any member of society to be victimized--society at large always suffers when abuse is tolerated. The right thing in this case, in your case, is for the abuser to be stripped of his power, and the victim supported and given the tools to heal.

So take the time and make the effort today to recognize that you have worth, your happiness matters, and you don't have to take it anymore. Embrace these ideas now and over and over again through your doubts. Recognize this will take work but commit yourself to not turning back. And change your focus from being on others to being on yourself for awhile, for you will need to nurture yourself in many ways to get through this life change.

In the posts to come, I will work through piece by piece the tasks ahead, the pitfalls to conquer, and the tools to help you make your way. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the goal: finding piece of mind, love, joy, self-confidence, and all the other benefit that come from getting free of a narcissist.

Why shouldn't I just cooperate with my narcissist?

There's absolutely no question that the easiest approach to having a narc in your life is to cooperate with him. That, of course, is the way he has deliberately arranged life for you: do as he says, and things will be okay, but disobey and there will be a price. The thing is, there is also a price to be paid for chronically complying with a narcissist's demands, and it's much worse in the end.

Sometime before I born, my mother learned to cave to narcissists. Perhaps her own father or brother were in that category, or perhaps she only had my dad to deal with. At any rate, from the earliest moment I my childhood that I can recall, there was one overarching principle in place in my house: do NOT do anything to irritate my father. Rebellion of any kind was absolutely out of the question for us both. Sometimes, being a small child, I failed to anticipate my dad's requirements, or just didn't have the emotional wherewithal to meet his demands. The cruel response to these misdeeds drove me all the more to avoid such situations at all costs. My father didn't apply physical abuse, but he sure knew how to belittle, shame, and terrify. My mom was sometimes sympathetic, but more often upset with me for upsetting my dad. I knew his abusive tactics were the same for my mom, but I didn't fully appreciate the horrors of her life until the poor woman had passed.

My life story eventually had a happy ending. But the sad story of my mom demonstrates what can happen to the narcissist's victim if she never fights back. For over 50 years Mom stayed in a largely miserable relationship, not even recognizing that she had other options. She was a professional with a college degree and excellent job experience throughout her adult life, but she couldn't muster the courage to leave the misery behind and strike out on her own. I have no doubt that she was crippled by the same fear of my father's retribution that prevented me from disobeying him even when he was elderly and almost helpless.

That's what happens eventually: Your mind is warped by the years of emotional manipulation until you can't even see any way out. And you can also have the classic traits of the sufferer of narcissistic abuse forced upon you: chronic anxiety, depression, poor self-image, hyper-vigilance, confusion, lack of confidence, etc. Meanwhile, you develop the classic symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome, experienced by kidnappees and prisoners of war. You sympathize with your abuser, make excuses for him and defend him, and devote yourself all the more to trying to please him.

With such a warped view of yourself and the world around you, you cannot function as a healthy, successful person. These issues affect your relationships, your job, and your health, both mental and physical.

Imagine if you lived in a house full of mold, and for some strange reason were convinced there was no way to get rid of it and nowhere else for you to live. Eventually that mold would destroy your health. Well, you are sharing your life with a person who is just as toxic as that mold. You can continue to sit in your chair and breathe in the mold until it kills you, or you can eradicate it from your life.

Just imagine that clean house, and how wonderful it would be to breathe freely....

Why can I not help feeling so anxious and scared of my narcissist?

[Let me begin by saying you're in a good place simply for recognizing that you are anxious and scared. Fear of the narcs in my life was such a normal condition I didn't even recognize it as fear. The first step for me--and possibly also for you--was to stop pushing my feelings under the rug and examine what they really were.]

Let's look again at how the narcissist operates when dealing with his victim. He is a master of training and manipulation. For the thoughts, feelings, and actions you commit of which he approves, there will be a reward. Of course oftentimes that reward isn't anything much better than the avoidance of disapproval, but sometimes it will actually be praise, a smile, physical affection, kindly words. Meanwhile, for every thought, feeling, or action you commit of which he dislikes, there will most certainly be a punishment.

Especially if the narc in your life is someone who has interacted with you since you were a child, you will also be trained to believe that the acts of reward equate to love, while the punishments are simply your just desserts for misbehaving. Let's pause and take a closer look at this.

First of all--and this is crucial for you to grasp--real love is unconditional. If someone genuinely loves you, that outlook will color all their doings with you, when you are "good," when you are "bad," and when it's just an ordinary day and you are average. It will not only come into play when you are behaving in the way the person wants you to. Think back on your relationship with your suspected narcissist. If you find it hard to think of a time when you felt like he valued and treasured you even when you had failed or disappointed him, the guy is a narc. Don't fool yourself by thinking, "Well, lots of times he was really nice to me." Ask yourself if those times weren't just part of how he kept you in his power.

Secondly--and this is equally important--in functional relationships, disagreements can occur without placement of blame or acts of retribution. In a healthy marriage, a wife may choose to do something in a way that her husband doesn't like, and they can come to agree it is still a valid action, just different than the expectation. One of the partners can even commit an undeniably wrong act and the other can still talk about it rationally and not resort to punishment of some kind. If you find it hard to think of a time you disappointed/disagreed with your narc and he didn't treat you like a stupid, worthless or bad person, well, that's how he works because he's a narcissist.

This reward/punishment system was the basis of both my relationship with my father and my ex-husband. On the rare occasion that I decided to exert my will, I was always beaten back down. It was his way or nothing. I was constantly vigilant not to commit any "mistakes" that might set him off. When I dared to fight back in a disagreement, I always lost. When a situation arose that required one of us to sacrifice, it was always me, never him or even a compromise. I was afraid to even think about what I needed much less ask for it, and I knew there was no point if I did ask.

Sound like your situation? Well, I feel for you--it's a terrible way to live. And what's worse it that we victims of narcs are also trained by them to accept this lot in life, and even to feel like it's normal, and that the negative feelings we experience should be ignored and buried and we must just soldier on with the status quo forever.

That works for getting by day-to-day, but there are serious problems with it in the long run. I'll talk about some of those in the next post....