Do I have to cut ties with my narcissist's family and friends?

One of the people I've worked with on SupportGroups.com asked me this question. Because of course if you have a long-term relationship with someone, you will likely have mutual friends, and possibly have gotten close to his parents, siblings, or other relatives. This makes it tough when you arrive at the point when you want to go no-contact. 

What if these family members still want to stay in touch, and even seem supportive because they recognize the issues with the narcissist? What if these friends press upon you their desire to still socialize with you? Do you really have to cut good people out of your life in order to move on? Isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

These questions don't have black and white answers, and you will need to examine both your specific situation and your current state of mind to figure out what's right for you.

One principle to keep in mind is that, at least in the short term, your number one priority is to escape the influence of your narcissist. That's the whole point of no-contact, after all. You don't cut the narc out of your life to punish him--you do it in the interest of a healthy and happy future for you. So ask yourself, what are your true motivations for wanting to keep the adjunct people in your life? If any of these reasons include any element related to the narc, then that's a warning sign.

For example, perhaps on some level you think staying involved with his best friend will allow you to "keep tabs," monitor how the narc is doing, if he might be wanting to get you back, or has met someone new, is missing you, or is going on without the slightest qualm. Maybe you want to continue to nurture a relationship with his parents so you can prove you are a better person than he is, that they don't want to lose you because you have value to them. Maybe you simply want to cling to these relationships because they feel like they're all you have left of the lost narcissist.

Things like this indicate that your interest in these people is tainted with a continuing interest in your narc, and that's exactly what you don't need. You are working to get to a point where you don't need to prove anything to yourself or to him regarding your worth. You are striving to let go of caring about him, or caring what he thinks of you. You are looking to yourself and those who love you for validation, and making the present and future a safe and happy place for you, without the toxicity which you have managed to survive.

It is possible that your affinity for these other people is actually not related to your narc in any way. You may have a mutual friend who has become a huge supporter and has actually been helping you to cut the ties with your narcissist. Perhaps even his family members are "on your side." The idea that keeping a person such as this in your life is not out of the realm of possibility.

But I still offer one caveat:  If staying involved with such a person means staying involved with your narcissist for more than the very short term, even as a topic of conversation, be careful. Your ultimate goal is a time in your life when you can go days, weeks, even months, without giving the narc a thought. You are looking to build up the relationships, interests, hobbies and goals that take you back to your true self, and forward to new and exciting places.  If, and only if, this person can move on with you in that way, then go for it!

In these days of social media, no-contact is a huge challenge. But you may know from experience how seeing just one status update or reading one tweet pertaining to your narc's life can ruin your day and set back your progress tremendously. It's important to review the connections you have to the friends and family of your narcissist, and block or de-friend as you need to for your own peace of mind. As the victim of emotional abuse, you absolutely have that right.

And that goes for social gatherings, texting, phone calls, and all the rest, too. You can do your best to explain if you have to terminate a relationship due to the break-up with your narc...but in the end, you don't have to convince anyone you're doing the right thing. Except, that is, yourself. And trust me, if that relationship is causing your narcissist's presence in your life to linger, you have every reason to let it go.

How do I explain my narcissist to other people and refute his lies about me?

Everybody gets it when a marriage or familial relationship ends over normal reasons like sexual or physical abuse or infidelity. Even incompatibility can make sense to others as the reason you split with a spouse or mate. The situation is not so easy when you are involved with a narcissist.

First of all, as I've explained before, the minds and hearts of narcissists are so alien from what normally constitutes human psychology, we regular humans could never guess such creatures exist. Unless your family members, friends, and associates have personally dealt with a narcissist, they may find it very hard to believe what is going on beneath your narc's exterior.

Consequently, you may find other people struggle to believe your claims about your narc's behavior. You'll get things like "but he's always been really sweet to me," and "I can't believe he would do something like that," and "but some of the fault for that must have been yours...are you sure you didn't provoke him?" Most narcs are great at coming across to everyone but their victims as upstanding and wonderful people. Frustrating as it is, it's not surprising others view your narc positively...and never dream a human being is capable of the things he has done to you.

This is part of the reason it's so commonplace for the narc's victim to be viewed as the person responsible for the breakup. Another is that while you are confused and struggling with guilt, shame, and other emotions that keep you silent, the narc is delighted to fabricate stories and spread them wildly. You are trying to make sense of what happened to you. He's playing the victim, garnering sympathy, and badmouthing you with lies.

So what can you do? How can you hope to make any headway in being understood when in a circumstance like this?

There are some ways to fight back and cope.  Here are a few:

1. Start by understanding what has happened to you and how a narc operates. Read all you can, discuss NPD with your counselor or support group if you have one. Get the full picture so you are able to articulate with conviction your situation.

2. Determine a trusted family member or friend who you think will get it. Even if there's only one person, feeling like someone who understands and is on your side will be a great comfort and confidence builder. Look for someone who knows you well and believes in you, and/or someone who has glimpsed the "dark side" of your narc. Talk through whatever you are comfortable with sharing with that person. (I really recommend checking out the Support Group's Narcissist group.)

3. Put your situation in terms others will understand. Everyone knows what it means when you use terms like "emotionally abusive" and "bullying." If you need to explain the breakup to someone and are comfortable with using these sorts of words in their presence, sometimes this will suffice. When talking to my elderly father's caretakers about our estrangement, I said things like "he bullied me and my mom all my life" and "he was emotionally abusive to me."

4. Remain calm and rational when discussing your narc. It's not always easy, but by appearing completely lucid and emotionally balanced, you are increasing your likelihood of being listened to. Calmly stating "I was emotionally abused privately for years--I never let on" is better than ranting "he's evil--he tortured me--I'm practically suicidal!" He is evil, he did torture you, and you may understandably be feeling suicidal, but you won't do your cause any favors by expressing yourself in a way that makes others uncomfortable or scared.

5. Pick your battles. Not everyone needs to know what happened to you. Examine each situation individually. It's not that important if people you don't even know are hearing negative things about you on Facebook. It is important that if your child is acting out in school because of abuse by your narc husband, you have conferences with teachers and counselors about the truth.

6. Don't put too much weight on what others are saying or thinking. This is one of those things that is completely out of your control. Slight acquaintances or people who don't know you are the ones most likely to judge you harshly, and they have little to do with your actual happiness. Meanwhile, you actually can influence the important people in your life by sharing the truth with them. The ones who believe you are always the ones that are actually of value to you as friends and family members. And even if they don't get it, they probably still love you and want to support you. People who truly care won't judge you negatively.

And in the end, no one else's opinion of you matters even a fraction as much as your opinion.

It is your own opinion that most shapes your day-to-day reality. You know the truth, you know you are a good person who deserves love and happiness. Don't let your narc's lies or his influence on others alter your self-image. What matters in the end, what will matter the most in your life to come, is the reality of who you are. It is that love of and belief in yourself that will carry you forward and shine for all to see.

Do I have to forgive my narcissist?

Pop psychology will always rush to tell you it's always better to forgive. Legitimate therapists typically recommend the same. Christian preachers, Buddhist gurus, life coaches are all great proponents of forgiveness. I would agree that letting go of hate, grudges, and animosity is almost always key to being happy and at peace.

Almost always.

The exception to this rule, in my firmly held opinion, is when you are disentangling yourself from a narcissist. In the early stages of this process, I believe it is crucial to let yourself be angry, bitter, spiteful and vindictive. Why this offbeat advice? Because of the nature of the narcissist and the nature of you, his victim.

As we've talked about in other posts, narcs are not like the rest of humanity. They don't feel shame or guilt for their selfish acts. When they "repent" or apologize, it's simply a ruse to gain or maintain power. A narc is absolutely unable to sincerely ask for your forgiveness...if he mouths those sorts of words, I guarantee you he is lying. He is unable to feel for you in the first place, so why would he experience sorrow or regret over how he's treated you? He also feels no need for your forgiveness, approval, or acceptance. He already feels he is perfect and superior to you and everyone else.

Certainly to accept an apology from a narcissistic or offer one your forgiveness is a complete sham from his side.

But what about from your side? Don't psychologists and spiritual leaders always say forgiveness is required from you if you expect to heal?

Once again, in this case things are upside down. You have spent years--perhaps a lifetime--constantly looking for fault in yourself where your narc is concerned. You have apologized, accepted blame, make changes over and over again in an attempt to appease and please him. Even now you probably suffer from guilt and wonder if you've done enough, said the right things, been the person you ought to have been for him.

It is time to break this pattern. It's time to proclaim that you are the offended party, and the blame is on the narcissist. It's time to work on fully believing this, stopping the excuses you always make for him, recognizing that you are the victim who deserves justice and happiness. And in order to feel and realize these things, you have to release the anger, bitterness, and resentment you were trained by your narc to stifle.

You need to get mad. Write a furious letter to your narcissist (that you won't send, because that would be pointless), saying all the things you could never say in the past. Be angry about the rotten hand you've been dealt, being related to or involved with someone so hurtful. Acknowledge all the bad things and allow yourself to react as a normal human being would react. All this is key to getting your brain rewired and your emotions freed from the tyranny of being in thrall to the narc.

This is a process, not an ultimate goal. Eventually you want to be able to let go of all of it, put it behind you, move on and focus on positive attitudes and emotions. But you won't be able to get to that point without letting yourself be angry first. You can't be empowered to live a full and free life until you break all the chains.

In the end, when all this is through, should you forgive your narcissist? Well, if there is ultimate justice, then God and/or karma will do the judging for you, and your act of forgiveness won't affect that one way or the other. If you make a personal choice not to forgive, that is a completely valid and fair one. The best way to heal is not necessarily to forgive, but to turn away from the monstrous nature and deeds of the narcissist and focus instead on goodness, your own and others, and on the beauty and love in the world and in yourself.

Mercy is a wonderful thing all right, but as the victim of a narcissist, the person to whom you should direct your mercy is you. You deserve it...you've earned it. Let yourself receive it.

What do I do about feeling so guilty for defying my narcissist?

One of the hardest things you have to face now is the tremendous guilt you feel for not accommodating your narcissist. After all, we're talking about a very significant person in your life. If it's your boyfriend/girlfriend, it's someone with whom you were planning to spend your foreseeable future. If a spouse, you committed yourself, you took vows. If a parent, sibling, or child, they are your flesh and blood. These sorts of relationships are not supposed to be broken.

But now you've decided to break with someone you never dreamed you'd abandon or shun. It seems absolutely crazy, and every voice in your head--along with at least a few outside your head--are telling you a decent person would find a way toward reconciliation. "You can't heal without forgiveness." "No one is beyond saving." "Your Christian duty." Yada yada yada.

Here's the thing: You, the voices in your head, your friends and advisors, and a whole bunch of self-help books are not taking one very important thing into account: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All these rules of society, principles of human nature, tried-and-true adages are for dealing with normal human beings. Narcs are not normal human beings. In certain ways, they are not human beings at all, but more like psychological vampires, creatures that suck the joy and strength from humans. Or like aliens who take over the will of humans and force them to do their bidding.

Forgiveness means nothing genuine to people like this, because they cannot ever fathom that they have done something wrong. Reconciliation doesn't mean to them what it does to you, it only means the well of attention and devotion is no longer dry and can be tapped again. Lifelong commitment is something they cannot and will not understand, even if they stay attached to you for your entire life, like my dad did with my mom. All it means is that their victim never managed to put a stop to the abuse, like my mom failed to do with my dad.

You must keep all this in mind when you start to feel guilty. You don't feel guilty for ridding your body of an infection, for driving an intruder from your house, or for not giving your credit card to a stranger to use. You don't apologize for wanting to drive them away!

Don't mistake empty titles for true bonds. "Husband" is a label, not a character trait. So is "Mom" or "Brother." The narcissist has never functioned in your life as a real lover, father, sibling, true friend, so he doesn't get to hide behind the protection of a title.

Likewise, you need to tear down the facade you created for your narc. Most victims of narcissists manage to survive their day-to-day lives by inwardly minimize the crimes of their abusers, and believing in false versions of their narcs that actually possess the characteristics associated with their role. You may play down your husband's cruelty as "crabbiness," or your mother's insults as "having high standards." You might play up the occasional kindnesses or believe in faked acts of niceness, so desperate are you for love and affection.

The fault is not yours. Your narcissist has made a career of training you to be his puppet and think what he wants you to think. He's used positive and negative reinforcement, lying, gaslighting, threats, and every form of mental and emotional manipulation to control your feelings. You have been brainwashed to believe it's always your fault, he's always right (or at least in control), you are wrong unless you agree with him, and there's nothing wrong with him, it's all you. So naturally any disobedience on your part, much less an actual full-stage rebellion, is going to make you feel terrible guilt and fear!

What can you do about it? You have to reprogram your brain and heart. You have to deliberately counterattack, consistently and often, with reason and logic. Examine all your thoughts and feelings in the light of this new information and reality. Figure out what your narcissist is really like, what he was really doing all along. Understand how you have been duped and manipulated. Reconsider all the thoughts and feelings you used to dismiss as crazy or inappropriate. Reevaluate them and see how you were the normal one, there were real reasons for what you thought and felt. Review your past history and analyze what was actually happening. Make sense of it all in this new light.

I recommend you also express all this in some form. Journaling is really helpful in straightening out all the confusion and making ideas concrete, as well as venting pent up and buried emotions. Finding a trustworthy, loving person to talk with throughout the process is key, whether it be a friend or a professional.

I also want to suggest some specific exercises that might be as helpful to you as they were to me, So we'll look at those in the next post.

I want to escape my narcissist--what happens now?

I imagine one of two things has occurred in your life:

1. Your narc rejected you, broke up with you, or otherwise caused a rift; or 
2. You yourself have reached a crisis point where you can't take it anymore.

Regardless of which of these is the impetus for your wanting to make a change--and it can be a combination of both--odds are that what happens next will be the same. You will second guess yourself. Severely and repeatedly. Doubt, confusion, fear and guilt will well up in you. And while this is happening, one or more of these other forces could come into play:

1. The narcissist will say/do things to either make you feel guilty or woo you back.
2. Other family members, friends, or involved third parties will urge a reconciliation.
3. Practical considerations will arise to make a change seem daunting or even impossible.

All this can make the idea of truly removing this toxic person from your life seem like a roadblock as large as Mount Everest. But YOU CAN DO IT. You are not alone, there is help. And part of that help is me. I will break down this immense task into smaller, more manageable pieces, and advise you in every way I can of the tools and approaches you can employ to make it easier.

The first place to begin is with yourself. Because whatever other people are telling you, the ultimate authority on your life is YOU. Those others don't have the firsthand knowledge of what you've been through. They don't know you or your abuser the way you do. They probably have no understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or how it works. Why should you heed the advice of people who aren't experts, nor are they fully informed? Meanwhile, you can be certain of your own motives: you want to be able to have the happiness that is your right as a decent human being. But other people (especially your narc) have their own agendas; even if they love you, they are also thinking of themselves.

You, like any other human, deserve the freedom to determine your own fate and pursue happiness. No one has the right to tell you to allow yourself to be abused. It is never a good thing for any member of society to be victimized--society at large always suffers when abuse is tolerated. The right thing in this case, in your case, is for the abuser to be stripped of his power, and the victim supported and given the tools to heal.

So take the time and make the effort today to recognize that you have worth, your happiness matters, and you don't have to take it anymore. Embrace these ideas now and over and over again through your doubts. Recognize this will take work but commit yourself to not turning back. And change your focus from being on others to being on yourself for awhile, for you will need to nurture yourself in many ways to get through this life change.

In the posts to come, I will work through piece by piece the tasks ahead, the pitfalls to conquer, and the tools to help you make your way. In the meantime, keep your eyes on the goal: finding piece of mind, love, joy, self-confidence, and all the other benefit that come from getting free of a narcissist.