Why can I not help feeling so anxious and scared of my narcissist?

[Let me begin by saying you're in a good place simply for recognizing that you are anxious and scared. Fear of the narcs in my life was such a normal condition I didn't even recognize it as fear. The first step for me--and possibly also for you--was to stop pushing my feelings under the rug and examine what they really were.]

Let's look again at how the narcissist operates when dealing with his victim. He is a master of training and manipulation. For the thoughts, feelings, and actions you commit of which he approves, there will be a reward. Of course oftentimes that reward isn't anything much better than the avoidance of disapproval, but sometimes it will actually be praise, a smile, physical affection, kindly words. Meanwhile, for every thought, feeling, or action you commit of which he dislikes, there will most certainly be a punishment.

Especially if the narc in your life is someone who has interacted with you since you were a child, you will also be trained to believe that the acts of reward equate to love, while the punishments are simply your just desserts for misbehaving. Let's pause and take a closer look at this.

First of all--and this is crucial for you to grasp--real love is unconditional. If someone genuinely loves you, that outlook will color all their doings with you, when you are "good," when you are "bad," and when it's just an ordinary day and you are average. It will not only come into play when you are behaving in the way the person wants you to. Think back on your relationship with your suspected narcissist. If you find it hard to think of a time when you felt like he valued and treasured you even when you had failed or disappointed him, the guy is a narc. Don't fool yourself by thinking, "Well, lots of times he was really nice to me." Ask yourself if those times weren't just part of how he kept you in his power.

Secondly--and this is equally important--in functional relationships, disagreements can occur without placement of blame or acts of retribution. In a healthy marriage, a wife may choose to do something in a way that her husband doesn't like, and they can come to agree it is still a valid action, just different than the expectation. One of the partners can even commit an undeniably wrong act and the other can still talk about it rationally and not resort to punishment of some kind. If you find it hard to think of a time you disappointed/disagreed with your narc and he didn't treat you like a stupid, worthless or bad person, well, that's how he works because he's a narcissist.

This reward/punishment system was the basis of both my relationship with my father and my ex-husband. On the rare occasion that I decided to exert my will, I was always beaten back down. It was his way or nothing. I was constantly vigilant not to commit any "mistakes" that might set him off. When I dared to fight back in a disagreement, I always lost. When a situation arose that required one of us to sacrifice, it was always me, never him or even a compromise. I was afraid to even think about what I needed much less ask for it, and I knew there was no point if I did ask.

Sound like your situation? Well, I feel for you--it's a terrible way to live. And what's worse it that we victims of narcs are also trained by them to accept this lot in life, and even to feel like it's normal, and that the negative feelings we experience should be ignored and buried and we must just soldier on with the status quo forever.

That works for getting by day-to-day, but there are serious problems with it in the long run. I'll talk about some of those in the next post....