What is staying with my narcissist doing to me?

I'm sure you have a lot of answers to that question yourself. He is tormenting you, hurting your self-image, confusing you, immobilizing you. But there's a way of looking at all this that I think is very important for every victim of a narcissist.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster."

Those of us who fight narcs are indeed doing just that--fighting monsters, beings who desire their own pleasure at any cost, without conscience, without empathy, without mercy, and who are incapable of reform. In wrestling with them every day, verbally, emotionally, we are locked in combat with creatures who use the worst possible trickery and deceit. This is not a matter of a white knight jousting a black knight. Think instead of a priest battling a demon.

The narcissist will do all he can to confuse you, convincing you his lies are truth. He will belittle you and persuade you that you are crazy, or weak, or despicable. And meanwhile, he has everyone around you convinced that he is smart, attractive, kind, together, and utterly sane. Now combine this with his skill at controlling and intimating you through shame and fear, as if you were prisoner in a foul, dank dungeon without hope of escape.

It's no wonder so many victims of narcissistic abuse turn to alcohol and drugs to numb their pain, or go into deep depressions, unable to get out of bed to face the day. It's no wonder they have panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, cry uncontrollably or lash out in rage.

Then there are those victims who are so successful at playing the game, burying their pain and sublimating their anger that they detach from much of reality. These are the types most likely to suffer post traumatic stress syndrome once free of their narcissist.

No matter how you individually cope with the abuse, one thing is sure: it's turning you into a monster. The narc by nature is trying to drive all goodness from you--your happiness, love, pride, hope, joy, and aspirations for the future. He wants to make you into a monster in your own right, his pet monster, unable to function or do good. If you have to drink or take drugs to get through your day, you are not the person you were born to be. If you are emotionally crippled, or your physical health is suffering, or you contemplate suicide, you are not the person you have every right to be.

Do you want to become a monster? I didn't think so!

The way to avoid this fate is to NOT fight. The best thing to do is FLEE. Only by removing the narcissist from your life, avoiding contact with him as much as you can, forgetting him as much as you're able, and moving ahead in life without that toxicity, can you become fully human again.

I recognize, as always, that this isn't easy. Splitting with a narc can require such sacrifices as losing your home, your kids, other relatives, friends, money, your reputation. You may still be in love with him or feel another sort of familial duty. You are probably terrified of repercussions of all sorts.

But I can say to you unequivocally that to the extent that you stay tied to your narcissist, you will remain under the power of the monster. You will not be able to live a happy, fulfilled life. No matter how hard you work to appease him, you will still be a prisoner, and you will be not yourself, but the monster he wants you to be.

Two words: No contact.

And a few more words: For those of you who can't go no contact, for example who share children with a narc, I will have some advice and suggestions for minimizing the monster's power over your life in the next post.