You may have determined this troubling
person in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains a lot,
and that's a relief, but otherwise your emotions are still in turmoil. You
still have doubts, you still worry that you've done something bad. Even if you
could be 100% certain that he’s the problem and not you, you’re terrified to do
anything differently than you have in the past. The very thought of fighting back scares you
to death and fills you with guilt and shame. Maybe you think you've already
done something hurtful and every fiber of you wants to apologize, make amends,
appease and return to the status quo.
The best thing to do first is
to deepen your understanding, both of the narc and of yourself. You need to
learn there is a huge discrepancy between how you believe he thinks and feels,
and how he actually thinks and feels. You need a short (and ultimately longer)
course in what makes a narcissist tick.
When one has experienced
being a devoted child, a loving wife, an adoring parent, or a faithful friend,
one has certain convictions about the bonds between human beings. Naturally one projects that the same feelings
of empathy, concern, and appreciation are universal among humans. But here's some huge news: they are not.
A narcissist has a completely
different attitude towards family members and friends (as well as people in
general). To the narc, other people--even
the most important people in one’s life--are never more than the means to an
end. They are tools to be used for
desired results. They are there to bring
benefits and advantages. If other people
fail in this regard, they are not worth caring about and should be cast aside
and replaced if possible.
The most useful and therefore
the most manipulated people in a narcissist’s life are the ones who provide "narcissistic
supply." Supply is the stuff that feed the narc's ego: affection, admiration,
attention, obedience, fear, need, sympathy, etc. If you're the sort of person
who tends to provide such things to those around you, you will be a narcissist
magnet like I've been. (No coincidence both my father and first husband had
NPD!)
I am what is called an HSP or
"hypersensitive person," and you might be too, for it is very common for HSPs
to be victimized by narcissists. HSPs are especially empathetic and sensitive
to the feelings, moods and needs of others.
They have a natural tendency to feel other's pain and therefore want to
alleviate it as much as they would their own pain. For example, I was
constantly mindful that my father seemed lonely, worried, and/or sad. I put myself in his place and imagined
vividly what his life was like--or at least what it would be like were I in his
shoes. I wanted sincerely to do all I
could to ease this suffering and brighten his life. I also felt it was my duty as family to care
about such things.
Narcissists pick up quickly
on sensitive traits in others. As they interact, they see how their portrayal
of pain is felt by the victim, how easy it is to gain sympathy and to use the
victim's empathy to motivate and manipulate them. Having an empathetic person in a narcissist’s
life is extremely important as they are the easiest people to control. The
narcissist's usual arsenal of intimidation is bolstered by new weapons in the
case of a kindhearted, empathetic person like an HSP. In other words, my father
made sure I believed he was lonely, worried, and/or sad. It was an act to
garner my sympathy and devotion.
As a narcissist/victim
relationship develops, the victim believes she has earned the genuine love of
the narcissist by being valuable and helpful to him. Projecting as usual how she would feel, the victim feels
appreciated and needed. This only strengthens the bond. But in actual fact, the
relationship is one-way. The narcissist believes he’s only getting what he
deserves and is his right, and feels no actual gratitude or appreciation. He
feigns these emotions when it is useful, but they are not genuine. He also
can’t imagine--nor really cares to bother to try--what the victim’s compassion
is really like for her. Such a feeling
is just too foreign to his understanding; he is literally incapable of
compassion.
When a crisis occurs and a
break erupts between the two--as in my case, usually instigated by the
narcissist's determining his victim is no longer of use--the emotions on both
sides are very different. The narcissist doesn't share the victim's feelings of
loss, guilt, need, grief, regret, etc. He is merely occupied with weighing the relative benefits of having the victim
in or out of his life. If he determines he may be able to restore the benefits
gleaning from the connection, he will try to manipulate a restoration, either
by wheedling and blame ("how can you do this to me?") or by intimidation and
threats. If he decides he's better off without his victim, or that the victim has wised up and can no longer be used, he will sever the
relationship and not look back.
This is because the victim--you--never
really mattered. What you provided had worth, but you have no worth yourself.
This fact is quite unfathomable to sensitives--to me and to you--who place
tremendous worth in their loved ones. Anything else makes more sense than this.
But the truth is, after a break with his victim the narcissist is not hurt or
grieving, he is rearranging his life in the same way people do when they decide
to change jobs or move to a new house. In such a circumstance you or I would be
crushed under the enormity of causing another person so much harm. The
narcissist feels no such thing because in his world, no one matters, no one has genuine existence, but him.
What you’re feeling now needs
to be treated with a good dose of this reality. Stop right now projecting on
the narc what you are feeling/thinking, and teach yourself to keep in mind what
he's actually feeling/thinking. This must happen for you to move forward with
freeing yourself from the chains of the narc/victim relationship.
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