Why should I go "no contact" with my narcissist?

This is the first time I have used the phrase "no contact," but it certainly won't be the last. I'm here today to convince you that the only effective way to escape the clutches of a narc is to make a clean and complete break from him.

Of course it may be, particularly in the case of separating from a spouse with whom you've had children, that practical considerations prevent you from cutting off all communication. In that event you can do no better than limit contact to the minimum requirement, and work vigilantly to keep your emotions out of your interactions. Meanwhile, you will need to support your children as they cope with having a narcissistic parent. The whole subject of co-parenting with a narcissist is broad and huge, and I will address related topics over time. For now, a good place to start is this link. There are many excellent resources like this online that you can find googling "co-parenting with a narcissist."

But assuming that practically speaking you are able to do it, the no contact rule is ironclad. Why? First, because any emotional connection with a narcissist is toxic. Second, because you have an established relationship as the narc's victim and there is absolutely nothing you can do to reframe it--the narcissist will undermine your efforts every time. He will adapt to your determination to change things by either (1) forcing you back into your old role using the same tried-and-true tactics he has always used, or (2) deciding you're no longer worth the trouble and cutting you out of his life himself, at least until you come crawling back.

Remember what we've already discussed about how narcissists operate: he doesn't have genuine human feelings for you, he simply views you as the means to an end. He needs you to supply him with praise, attention, obedience, and any other emotional support he's craving at the time. If you come to him with ideas about getting more attention yourself, getting a break from giving to him all the time, being treated better, being made to feel more loved, etc....well, there's nothing in any of those proposals for him, so he will not be interested in supporting or fostering them. If he says he is, rest assured he is lying. It's not in his nature to want any of them.

If your narcissist judges that your mind is made up, and there is no way he can bend your will this time, he will cut you off without shedding a single tear. And believe me, that's the easiest result. If it happens to you, rejoice!

If on the other hand he senses you do not really have conviction, that on some level you want to be talked out of your decision, he will immediately commence plotting the best way to get you back in line. He will probably try some of these things:

• Apologizing profusely and promising to change
• Doing something really nice like giving you a gift or performing a romantic gesture
• Convincing you that you have judged him wrongly
• Demonstrating to you that you are actually at fault for the problems
• Threatening you with some sort of punishment
• Meeting your rejection with equal rejection because he knows it will "scare you straight"

He may attempt these things right away, or employ them down the line, but regardless the key is not to give in. And that's why no contact is so important. If you dismantle all means for him to communicate with you, he won't be able to manipulate you. That is your best line of defense.

So do not see him face to face, do not answer his phone calls, do not read his texts or emails. Unfriend him on Facebook, don't stalk him in any form of social media. If you don't have the resolve to ignore his attempts at communication and have to resort to changing your phone number, email address, screen names, etc., then do it. I know it can be hard if you are both invited to parties or family gatherings, but this may require you to sacrifice some aspects of your other relationships too. Some of those people will understand, others won't. But that doesn't alter the importance of what you are doing by going no contact.

The reason for it is not only to protect yourself from his influence, but also to drive home the point that he can no longer use you. Once he clearly and certainly has grasped that fact, he will probably leave you alone and move on to finding someone else to victimize. And again, that's the happiest possible ending for you.

Having him out of sight will also help you put him out of mind. There is a grieving process you must go through, a sorting out of your beliefs and a reframing of your memories, and these things will all take time. But the ultimate goal is for you to move on and rarely have to think about (certainly not with great emotion) your relationship with the narcissist. As long as he is involved in your life in some way, this challenge is made more difficult.

Going no contact is tough, but there are things you can do to make it easier on yourself. That's what we'll be talking about in the next post.