Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn't people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn't you maintain some sympathy for your narc's lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it's the latter), it's a sorry state of affairs. It's a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it's because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy...and it's never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it's important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that's on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that "woe is me" exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it's possible he can't even walk anymore (I really don't know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don't let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don't permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you're tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help--which is doubtful--you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

How can I find the strength to fight my narcissist?

You've heard the expression about combat, "Take the high ground"? That's because the high ground is a strategical advantage in warfare. It's a position of power, a clearer and broader viewpoint, easier to defend.

Well, victims of narcissists always have to start fighting from the low ground, and that's the challenge. The narc, with his abundant self-love, perfect self-image, charm, and ruthlessness always has the advantage. His victim is hampered by poor self-image, years of being intimidated into submission, self-doubt, and confusion. She is also at a disadvantage because she has moral compunctions and cares for others. She may still feel love and concern for her narcissist. She may be hindered by caring about other loved ones standing in the cross-fire...especially shared children or other family members.

All these factors typically keep you, the victim, in thrall--trapped and feeling powerless for years. It may seem like there is no escape, no hope. My mom never saw a way clear of the fortress in which my father trapped her, and she died still under his control even while her heart rebelled. Whether you have decided to break from your narc or are still struggling to determine if you should try, undoubtedly you too feel little confidence in your possibilities of success.

I would like to suggest to you that since you are reading this, since you have entertained the possibility of freedom if not actually chosen to pursue it, that means there has already been some sort of crack in your narcissist's armor. There is already a breach, no matter how small, in the foundations of the prison in which he holds you.

You have seen that you are a victim, that evil has been done to you, and there is already a flame burning in your heart, a desire to escape. That desire, dear friend, is your ultimate weapon against your captor. It is the very thing the narc fears most. The stronger it grows, the less power he has.

The tiny flicker of knowledge that he is a twisted soul who has managed to imprison you
means
he no longer controls all your thoughts and beliefs.

The little flame of hope that you can find a way out
means
he no longer has your will completely enslaved.

The rising flame of anger
means
your self-esteem is growing.

The low burning fire of determination
means
his techniques of intimidation and punishment are losing their efficacy.

The brightly burning fire of your first steps of rebellion
means
you are now tapping into the energy of your formerly quenched, natural drive toward happiness.

The roaring blaze of defying him
means
in the end you are going to win, because you have already begun shattering his weapons.

So I say, cling to your desire to be free and happy, believe you can be no matter what he says and does, and do everything you can to nurture the fire.

And remember, you have something else on your side that he doesn't: you have good. He is a force for evil, and as long as he had your cooperation, you were a force for evil too, even though you didn't want to be. Deny him the weapons of your sympathy, pity, and even your general compassion for others. Anything you give him will not be used for his benefit, only for your further torment. Now you have switched sides, and the contest is now one vs. one. Do all you can to remind yourself that you are in the right, you are fighting on the side of love and happiness. Until you are fully free and clear of him emotionally, be steadfast in your rebellion. The longer you hold strong, the easier it will become.

Take one step, then the next, and if you fall back, keep going. And hold before you the beacon of your desire to be happy--no matter what, don't let it die, and you will win.

I think he might be a narcissist--what do I do now?

You may have determined this troubling person in your life has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It explains a lot, and that's a relief, but otherwise your emotions are still in turmoil. You still have doubts, you still worry that you've done something bad. Even if you could be 100% certain that he’s the problem and not you, you’re terrified to do anything differently than you have in the past. The very thought of fighting back scares you to death and fills you with guilt and shame. Maybe you think you've already done something hurtful and every fiber of you wants to apologize, make amends, appease and return to the status quo.

The best thing to do first is to deepen your understanding, both of the narc and of yourself. You need to learn there is a huge discrepancy between how you believe he thinks and feels, and how he actually thinks and feels. You need a short (and ultimately longer) course in what makes a narcissist tick.

When one has experienced being a devoted child, a loving wife, an adoring parent, or a faithful friend, one has certain convictions about the bonds between human beings. Naturally one projects that the same feelings of empathy, concern, and appreciation are universal among humans. But here's some huge news: they are not.

A narcissist has a completely different attitude towards family members and friends (as well as people in general).  To the narc, other people--even the most important people in one’s life--are never more than the means to an end.  They are tools to be used for desired results. They are there to bring benefits and advantages. If other people fail in this regard, they are not worth caring about and should be cast aside and replaced if possible.

The most useful and therefore the most manipulated people in a narcissist’s life are the ones who provide "narcissistic supply." Supply is the stuff that feed the narc's ego: affection, admiration, attention, obedience, fear, need, sympathy, etc. If you're the sort of person who tends to provide such things to those around you, you will be a narcissist magnet like I've been. (No coincidence both my father and first husband had NPD!)

I am what is called an HSP or "hypersensitive person," and you might be too, for it is very common for HSPs to be victimized by narcissists. HSPs are especially empathetic and sensitive to the feelings, moods and needs of others.  They have a natural tendency to feel other's pain and therefore want to alleviate it as much as they would their own pain. For example, I was constantly mindful that my father seemed lonely, worried, and/or sad. I put myself in his place and imagined vividly what his life was like--or at least what it would be like were I in his shoes. I wanted sincerely to do all I could to ease this suffering and brighten his life. I also felt it was my duty as family to care about such things.

Narcissists pick up quickly on sensitive traits in others. As they interact, they see how their portrayal of pain is felt by the victim, how easy it is to gain sympathy and to use the victim's empathy to motivate and manipulate them. Having an empathetic person in a narcissist’s life is extremely important as they are the easiest people to control. The narcissist's usual arsenal of intimidation is bolstered by new weapons in the case of a kindhearted, empathetic person like an HSP. In other words, my father made sure I believed he was lonely, worried, and/or sad. It was an act to garner my sympathy and devotion.

As a narcissist/victim relationship develops, the victim believes she has earned the genuine love of the narcissist by being valuable and helpful to him. Projecting as usual how she would feel, the victim feels appreciated and needed. This only strengthens the bond. But in actual fact, the relationship is one-way. The narcissist believes he’s only getting what he deserves and is his right, and feels no actual gratitude or appreciation. He feigns these emotions when it is useful, but they are not genuine. He also can’t imagine--nor really cares to bother to try--what the victim’s compassion is really like for her. Such a feeling is just too foreign to his understanding; he is literally incapable of compassion.

When a crisis occurs and a break erupts between the two--as in my case, usually instigated by the narcissist's determining his victim is no longer of use--the emotions on both sides are very different. The narcissist doesn't share the victim's feelings of loss, guilt, need, grief, regret, etc. He is merely occupied with weighing the relative benefits of having the victim in or out of his life. If he determines he may be able to restore the benefits gleaning from the connection, he will try to manipulate a restoration, either by wheedling and blame ("how can you do this to me?") or by intimidation and threats. If he decides he's better off without his victim, or that the victim has wised up and can no longer be used, he will sever the relationship and not look back.

This is because the victim--you--never really mattered. What you provided had worth, but you have no worth yourself. This fact is quite unfathomable to sensitives--to me and to you--who place tremendous worth in their loved ones. Anything else makes more sense than this. But the truth is, after a break with his victim the narcissist is not hurt or grieving, he is rearranging his life in the same way people do when they decide to change jobs or move to a new house. In such a circumstance you or I would be crushed under the enormity of causing another person so much harm. The narcissist feels no such thing because in his world, no one matters, no one has genuine existence, but him.

What you’re feeling now needs to be treated with a good dose of this reality. Stop right now projecting on the narc what you are feeling/thinking, and teach yourself to keep in mind what he's actually feeling/thinking. This must happen for you to move forward with freeing yourself from the chains of the narc/victim relationship.