Why do I have some good memories involving my narcissist?

We've established that narcissists think only of themselves and never the happiness of others. That would suggest that narcs are incapable of making others happy.

But chances are you can think of plenty of examples of times when you were happy in the presence of your narcissist partner, parent, child, sibling or friend. You had a good time, or you felt connected, or you believed they loved you and approved of you. Does this mean you were living in a dream world, deluded and confused? Or did you truly derive something positive from being around the narcissist?

I have plenty of "fond memories" of times with my narc ex-husband. There were moments of giddy romance, hours of interesting and fun conversation. Likewise, there were occasions with my narc father that I will always remember as joyful: learning from him, laughing with him.

I don't look upon these times in a negative way. That is, I don't so much think of them from the narc's perspective, as times when I was manipulated into seeing a happy, loving reality that just wasn't there. Sure, it's true that on those occasions the narcissist in my life wasn't motivated by wanting the best for me. These were not acts of selfless love, but rather were situations when the narc was seeking the ultimate benefits to himself that would result from treating me kindly at that time. But that doesn't invalidate my happiness in those moments.

Rather, I look at those pleasant occasions from my point of view. I think about my innocence, my trusting nature, my positive outlook on life as the true source of those good times. We truly create our own realities and are ultimately the most responsible for what we take from what happens to us. So I look back with fondness not for my narc father and husband, but for my younger self.

I smile at the childlike wonder I felt when my father taught me things or shared experiences with me, and I warm at the thought of my believing I was worthy of love and protection, even though those things were false. I'm proud of myself for thinking well of the world around me, for being innocent and trusting.

Likewise, I treasure my memories of how I believed in love, romance, and intimacy. It's to my credit that I had faith in my narc husband, even though he proved to be faithless. I'm happy I was capable of love, and that I was trusting and forthright and devoted, and saw my husband as a much better person that he was. I gave up those dreams eventually and embraced the much less happy reality that was actually there, but I'm not sorry for the original outlook I had that brought me joy while it lasted.

So if you have good memories of experiences with your narc, take the credit for those happy moments yourself. They are a reflection not of any good in the narcissist, but of all the good in you, of how your soul naturally seeks the positive and rejoices in the positive things it perceives, regardless of what motivation lies beneath.

There's no need to cast aside your happy memories. Just let them be a reminder of what a good person you are, and encourage you to love and believe in yourself and your ability to make the most out of life.