How do I explain my narcissist to other people and refute his lies about me?

Everybody gets it when a marriage or familial relationship ends over normal reasons like sexual or physical abuse or infidelity. Even incompatibility can make sense to others as the reason you split with a spouse or mate. The situation is not so easy when you are involved with a narcissist.

First of all, as I've explained before, the minds and hearts of narcissists are so alien from what normally constitutes human psychology, we regular humans could never guess such creatures exist. Unless your family members, friends, and associates have personally dealt with a narcissist, they may find it very hard to believe what is going on beneath your narc's exterior.

Consequently, you may find other people struggle to believe your claims about your narc's behavior. You'll get things like "but he's always been really sweet to me," and "I can't believe he would do something like that," and "but some of the fault for that must have been yours...are you sure you didn't provoke him?" Most narcs are great at coming across to everyone but their victims as upstanding and wonderful people. Frustrating as it is, it's not surprising others view your narc positively...and never dream a human being is capable of the things he has done to you.

This is part of the reason it's so commonplace for the narc's victim to be viewed as the person responsible for the breakup. Another is that while you are confused and struggling with guilt, shame, and other emotions that keep you silent, the narc is delighted to fabricate stories and spread them wildly. You are trying to make sense of what happened to you. He's playing the victim, garnering sympathy, and badmouthing you with lies.

So what can you do? How can you hope to make any headway in being understood when in a circumstance like this?

There are some ways to fight back and cope.  Here are a few:

1. Start by understanding what has happened to you and how a narc operates. Read all you can, discuss NPD with your counselor or support group if you have one. Get the full picture so you are able to articulate with conviction your situation.

2. Determine a trusted family member or friend who you think will get it. Even if there's only one person, feeling like someone who understands and is on your side will be a great comfort and confidence builder. Look for someone who knows you well and believes in you, and/or someone who has glimpsed the "dark side" of your narc. Talk through whatever you are comfortable with sharing with that person. (I really recommend checking out the Support Group's Narcissist group.)

3. Put your situation in terms others will understand. Everyone knows what it means when you use terms like "emotionally abusive" and "bullying." If you need to explain the breakup to someone and are comfortable with using these sorts of words in their presence, sometimes this will suffice. When talking to my elderly father's caretakers about our estrangement, I said things like "he bullied me and my mom all my life" and "he was emotionally abusive to me."

4. Remain calm and rational when discussing your narc. It's not always easy, but by appearing completely lucid and emotionally balanced, you are increasing your likelihood of being listened to. Calmly stating "I was emotionally abused privately for years--I never let on" is better than ranting "he's evil--he tortured me--I'm practically suicidal!" He is evil, he did torture you, and you may understandably be feeling suicidal, but you won't do your cause any favors by expressing yourself in a way that makes others uncomfortable or scared.

5. Pick your battles. Not everyone needs to know what happened to you. Examine each situation individually. It's not that important if people you don't even know are hearing negative things about you on Facebook. It is important that if your child is acting out in school because of abuse by your narc husband, you have conferences with teachers and counselors about the truth.

6. Don't put too much weight on what others are saying or thinking. This is one of those things that is completely out of your control. Slight acquaintances or people who don't know you are the ones most likely to judge you harshly, and they have little to do with your actual happiness. Meanwhile, you actually can influence the important people in your life by sharing the truth with them. The ones who believe you are always the ones that are actually of value to you as friends and family members. And even if they don't get it, they probably still love you and want to support you. People who truly care won't judge you negatively.

And in the end, no one else's opinion of you matters even a fraction as much as your opinion.

It is your own opinion that most shapes your day-to-day reality. You know the truth, you know you are a good person who deserves love and happiness. Don't let your narc's lies or his influence on others alter your self-image. What matters in the end, what will matter the most in your life to come, is the reality of who you are. It is that love of and belief in yourself that will carry you forward and shine for all to see.