But the narc's ability to charm and impress is a double curse for his victim: He also bamboozles everyone around you. After your break-up, you are a mess of tears, rage, and confusion. You don't know how to begin explaining to friends, family, or co-workers what happened to you, and if you manage to try, they don't seem to believe you. Meanwhile he's cool as a cucumber, happily moving on with life and possibly already making the scene with your replacement. And/or he may be spreading the word about how he tried to make it work with you, but you went nuts and refuse to listen to reason. He appears as whatever will move/impress his audience the most: sympathetic, long-suffering, and sweet to some...reasonable, mentally healthy, and thriving to others.
So not only are you dealing with your past abuse, you can't seem to find anyone to understand or support you. And you have to watch him carry on blithely as if nothing happened, he's happier than ever, and he's the one behaving like a normal, sensible human being.
This is obviously an acutely painful, miserable place to be. Sometimes it can make you wish you were back with the narc because that was easier.
As we've discussed elsewhere, it truly can be hard to find people who understand and support you. Very few people have even heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, much less understand how it works, and unless you know a narc or study them, you would never imagine such people existed among us. The things about your narc which are hard for you to believe and understand are even harder for others to believe and understand. It's not impossible to explain about NPD and narcs to others, but you probably will only want to go through that effort with a chosen few. (You might refer them to this blog or other websites so they get support and further explanation from an impartial third party.) But no one is likely to get it unless they are told, and even then will probably be confused.
Sometimes it can help a little to tell those people in your life who trust and respect you something like this: "I know you'd never guess it from knowing so-and-so, but he's emotionally abusive and hurt me a lot." You may get a "that's crazy--but he's always so kind/sweet/helpful/pleasant/etc." Then you can point out, "Yes, that's how he got me to fall for him. But as soon as he got me there, he changed. I couldn't believe it either for the longest time. He really sucked me in--I was so fooled that when the real him appeared I told myself it couldn't be happening. But it did, and I put up with it for a long time, but it was destroying me so I had to get away from him."
Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.
Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.
When these things happen, it's okay to cry about the injustice, to fly into a rage at what he's doing without you or to you, to feel lonely and misunderstood. Let yourself weep or scream in the privacy of your own home or in the presence of those who support you. Then step back, acknowledging the okayness, healthiness, and normality of those emotions, but not letting them define to you who you are. Don't let them tell you any toxic stories, like "I'll never win," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't get over this unless something bad happens to him," or "I'll always be alone."
Yes, this is happening to you and it won't be completely over for awhile. Yes, it really sucks that the reality of the situation is hidden from so many people's eyes. But honestly, your life is starting again now without the bad element in it that got you in this situation. You literally have nowhere to go but up. You survived--all by yourself--all the things he did to you, and you got free or are getting free.
In fact, you are winning, whether anyone knows it or not. You will be happy again. You are going to be fine and won't even bother caring anymore what happens to him.
And you aren't alone, even if no one you know personally gets it. The world is teeming with narc victims like you, and they are an amazingly supportive group in my experience. I recommend you seek out some, either through a therapist or counselor who may know others, or online. Many narc victims have blogs that are full of thoughts and feelings that will confirm yours. And I highly recommend the Narcissist group at www.supportgroups.com, where your brothers and sisters in this sort of abuse are happy to listen and help.
Above all, NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be abused, and it's not your fault. I get it, and anyone who was able to understand would feel the same.
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