How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you're still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand...and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It's natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn't stifle natural emotions...that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It's important to recognize what you're feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don't have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it's important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it's even more important to start changing your identity from "the victim of my narc" to "ME." Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.