Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist...it's subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

• sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
• a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
• seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
• a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
• your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc
  
  

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

• bouts of dizzying confusion
• waves of crippling terror
• the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
• sinking guilt
• shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
• mind-numbing grief and hopelessness
  
  

I call these things "freakouts" because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what's happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It's a little exercise called STOP. It's a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here's what you do:

STOP -- Pause your thinking, and whatever you're doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths -- Before you resume anything, breathe. Don't think about what's happening to you, or how you're feeling, or what you're thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening -- Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don't try to force it away, don't judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED -- Carry on with the moment.

You'll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs --> 2-Painful emotional response --> 3-Negative thoughts --> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative --> 5-You believe that narrative --> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response --> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, "Oh god--he's going to yell at me, he's going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can't he just leave me alone, I can't take this, it's going to kill me!" You listen to yourself create a scene in which he's mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn't even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, "Well, that's natural, I don't know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive." You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you've been a victim and it's natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn't: It's a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it's not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you're hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc's victim, give STOP a try.