Is there any way I can get revenge on my narcissist?

In my last post I talked about just some of the reasons why we are angry and bitter while recovering from narcissistic abuse (really, the list of all those reasons would be very long!). It all seems so unfair, and can make a person desperate for revenge. Such feelings can make a person fixate on the seemingly impossible task of "making the narc pay for his/her crimes." Is there nothing you can do?

Well, first of all, here are a few things not to do to try to get revenge on your narc:

• Try to get him to admit his crimes and apologize.
• Lash out at him with all your anger and hatred.
• Conduct a campaign to convince all your family and friends that he's a monster.
• Find a new love to throw in his face, or some other form of showing off to him that you're fine.

All these things have a common theme, and that is, proving to your narcissist that he is the villain and you his victim who deserves retribution. These facts are objectively true all right, but they are utterly meaningless to the narc. If he's thinking about you at all anymore, he's perfectly willing to admit (to himself) he was the villain and you his victim. He's proud of that, not ashamed--you will never get an apology. And whatever you're trying to prove by your actions--dissing him publicly, flaunting how great you're doing--is just more evidence to him that you are still agonizing over him. That means he's still the star of the show, which is just the way he likes it.

[Sidebar: It's fine to share the whole truth about you and your narc with very close family and friends whom you know will support you. But when it's your word against his as to which of you is bad or crazy, general public opinion will always be swayed his way. Mr. Charm has more talent for looking good and influencing people than you ever will. So best not to play that game and set yourself up for yet more abuse!]

But don't despair. You do have a weapon that not only beats the narc like a sword, but protects you like a shield, and it's called "No Contact." The graphic I'm sharing here says it all better than I could, but I will keep talking anyway because I agree with it so much!

Narcissists do need people--they need them for attention, ego-stroking, obedience, and cringing devotion. They need these things, this narcissistic supply, as much if not more than normal humans need love. We know how much, because a narcissist was willing to basically sell his soul to the devil to make sure he gets this supply. No price is too high to pay, even becoming totally toxic and evil.

Losing a source of supply that they have come to depend upon is not a happy thing for a narc. Sure, he moves on with amazing ease. You become nothing to him in moments. That's because once he realizes your well of devotion has dried up--or finds a better source--he has only one goal in mind and that is to replace you as soon as possible.

All this said, if you feel like there's no way to beat a narcissist, you're wrong. The moment you decide to go No Contact, he is well and soundly beaten. He may panic and try to get you back, or he may just go on blithely, but the war for your soul is over and you have won. He won't admit that to you or anyone else, but under his seemingly happy, successful, carefree exterior, he knows he lost.

He felt arrogant and proud over his domination of you for a long time, and now that's gone. He drew tremendous enjoyment from his power over your every thought, feeling, and action, and now that's over. He put a ton of effort into molding you into precisely what he needed in his life, but now he has to go through the work of finding your replacement and molding that person.

In short, losing a victim to No Contact is the greatest setback, the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist. And you, my friend, are the one who ran him through with that agonizing sword.

So, let that idea of conventional vengeance go. Down that road lies misery. Instead, follow this second graphic, this fine quote from Socrates. This is a time not for ruminating about punishing your narc, but for focusing on the countless wonderful opportunities for happiness that are yours now that you are without him. Process your grief, work through the issues of your abuse, then leave him in your past and have as little as possible to do with him ever again.

Congratulations...you win!