What will help me to restore the person I was before my narcissist got me?

As we discussed in the last post, victims of narcissists typically find themselves stuck in the state of mind their narcs have fashioned for them. Most suffer from poor self-esteem and a sense that they are unlovable. Most are afraid to rock the boat and risk the consequences of fighting back. Those who do undertake to separate themselves feel guilty, or like failures, or inexplicably like they won't be happy until they are back with their narcissist. Even if they are free physically, many still obsess on what their narc is doing without them, or ways they could have saved their narc, or whether they will ever be able to recover from the post traumatic stress they are suffering.

Needless to say, all this can feel like too much to bear.

In any situation of conflict with another person, you have no control over what they do and feel, only what you do and feel. But in cases of the torment that plagues victims of narcissists, the sad and scary part is that they can feel like they have no control over what they themselves do and feel! It may seem like there is no good answer for this, at least in the short run.

But I do have one suggestion, which I base upon many scientific studies as well as personal experience. I recommend meditation. I understand the reaction that meditation is some New Age-y hocus pocus only for Buddhists and flower children, but before you reject it out of hand, consider these results of scientific studies:

• 10 minutes a day of simple meditation, even by a novice, reduces stress and anxiety
• This amount of meditation can repair damage to the nervous system caused by stress
• Meditation increases brain activity that demonstrates positive thoughts and emotions, and reduces brain activity that demonstrates negativity
• Meditation can lower blood pressure and boost the immune system
• It boosts the brain's abilities to regulate emotions and increases focus

This is a very short list of ways science has shown that meditation helps. I can't think of anyone more in need of this kind of help than we victims of narcissists!

Please know that meditation is not, at least not necessarily, a religious activity, and no particular viewpoint of God or the soul is required. It works for atheists, born-again Christians, and yes, Buddhists alike.

Meditation comes in many varieties and styles but the essentials make for a very short list:

1. In a quiet, private place, sit comfortably with your eyes closed.
2. Breathe deeply and a bit slowly, and relax.
3. Start focusing on your breath, on the feeling of it as it happens. Or, instead focus on a mantra (a word or short group of words). Or, listen to the directions of a guided meditation.
4. Think only about what you are focusing on: the breath or your mantra. Clear your mind of everything else.
5. If your mind drifts to physical sensations, feelings, or thoughts (and it will!), don't worry or judge, just once again gently return to your focus.
6. Continue to do this for the time you have chosen. Then open your eyes, stretch, let yourself come back to the world surrounding you.

That's all there is to it, really. Ten minutes a day will make a difference, a real difference. It doesn't seem logical...you'd like there would be some sort of trying, some work involved on your part, but there isn't. Your mind does the repair work for you, all you need to do is the list above.

There are countless great sources online for more about the process, experience, and results of meditating, as well as many wonderful guided meditations (recordings you listen to). For a really simple, easy, great guided meditation to start, I recommend Tara Brach's "Gateway to Presence" which you can find on this page. Deepak Chopra's works are also wonderful in my opinion.

Victims of narcissists need to fight on many fronts to restore their lives to happiness: psychological, practical, emotional, legal, and social. This is just another tool in our arsenal to support and strengthen all our other efforts. In my own life, meditation and mindfulness (focusing on the here and now) made all the difference in my freeing myself of guilt, fear and anxiety when I broke with my narcissist father. I encourage you to try just a week, ten minutes a day, to see if it makes a difference for you.

Even after breaking from a narcissist, we find that in so many ways he continues to abuse us through our own minds. Getting him out of your head is harder than any other part of the fight. Meditation might be the weapon you need to start to make progress with that. I truly hope it helps!

Why am I still in love with my narcissist?

There is no question in your mind that your narcissist spouse/partner/lover is ruining your life. He's manipulative, cruel, abusive, controlling, horrible in every way. You are miserable with him. Perhaps you've even left him, broken up with him already.

But you still love him.

You dream of being back together. You fantasize that he will beg you to come back. You think about him all day. You just want him to love you.

It's quite likely that you also feel like the world's biggest fool, that you are still holding a candle for someone who has done nothing but hurt you. You alternate between pining for him and beating yourself up for being an idiot. Your emotions don't make sense but you can't make them stop. You wonder if you've lost your mind.

Well, you aren't crazy, you aren't stupid, you aren't a fool. You're simply being the exact person your narcissist has spent months and years molding you into. This situation is less about you and any shortcomings in your personality or sanity, and more about the amazing talent your narc has for molding and shaping other humans into what he wants them to be.

Over the course of your relationship, the narc has subtly, craftily convinced you that he is the true judge of what makes a woman desirable. If you can make him love and want you, then and only then will you have proven your worth as a human being. Meanwhile, he has rewired your brain into abject devotion to meeting his needs. Maybe he used the approach of making you want to be the only one who truly understands him, or the only one who will put up with him, or the only one who can make him happy. So now without that purpose to your life, you feel meaningless. Or maybe he used a more negative approach, punishing you with ridicule, anger, or criticism whenever you failed to devote yourself to him and let him have his way. So now you're terrified that you've rebelled in heart or in action, and wish you could escape that fear by being obedient again.

Whatever the technique the narcissist has used on you, the result was some form of this: he trained you to stay in the relationship. So now, of course, you find yourself wanting to stay in the relationship. You think it gives you purpose, proves your self-worth, keeps you safe from retribution. Loving him, even though there are so many reasons to hate him, is safer and easier and can in fact seem like the only solution.

This is exactly how the psychological condition called "Stockholm Syndrome" works. Wikipedia explains the syndrome thus:

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

There are logical reasons for why victims of abuse experience these feelings that seem on their face to be so illogical. As Wikipedia states, "Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat." In other words, you coped with the narc's abuse by perceiving it as a kind of affection. If he was cruel to you, it was because you mattered enough to him that he chose to give you that intense attention. No matter that the "attention" was negative and abusive--in order to bear up, your mind found ways to look at it as acceptable, deserved, positive.

The result of this is that your brain has been trained so that you no longer have normal means of protecting yourself. If another woman who hadn't been abused by a narc was dropped into your place, she would dump your narcissist within a day of experiencing how he treats you. Family and friends may have been telling you for a long time to leave him because they look at his behavior clearly. But your psyche is your narc's life's work...he put his whole effort into making you into a creature that takes what he dishes out and is happy to come back for more.

So you do still feel love for him. But you shouldn't. That love is not coming from your heart but from your programmed brain. The only way to get yourself free is to break through the fear, anxiety, and shame and look what has happened to you right in the face. Strip the mask off your narc and let yourself feel genuine emotion over what's been done to you. That can be very scary, but after you've processed that real emotion, trust me, you'll come out a whole person on the other side. Figure out his games, unravel the lies. Do not have any contact with him, including cyberstalking and following him on social media. If he tries to get you back, DON'T DO IT. And recover your self-worth not by caving and going back to a hellish existence with him, but by seeing clearly the great person you are and all you have to offer the world.

Lean on anyone in your life who understands, supports you, believes in you, and thinks you are a good person. Have patience with how hard it can be for others to understand what narcissistic victims go through, and look for the well-meaning behind their actions. Do things you enjoy--revive old hobbies, find the things that used to engage you before life became all about him. Choose to do what's right for YOU...this is the time for that.

There is one other thing that I personally believe can make a huge difference to narc victims who are trapped in feelings of love and stuck in their efforts to change. I will talk all about that in the next post.

How can I cope with the narcissist I'm unable to leave?

As we discussed in the last post, the best policy is to cut out all contact with the narcissist in your life. But some victims of narcs don't have that luxury. Maybe you absolutely don't have the means to move out. Maybe you have moved apart but share children and are therefore required to have regular contact. Maybe you are planning to separate, but can't do so quite yet for practical reasons.

At any rate, you are forced to live with or communicate with your narcissistic abuser. Does that mean you have to continue without any relief in enduring the nightmare of his treatment?

As hard as it is--and I know from experience how hard--there are things you can do to make life a little bit easier on you. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful in your situation:

1. Pick your battles.

As usual, the narc will demand you comply with his desires in all things. But now that you know the score and understand what he has been doing to you, you no longer feel like cowtowing to his every whim. There are issues where you should take a stand--when what he asks causes you a great deal of pain--and there are issue where complying is merely a slight inconvenience. Don't force issues that aren't important and try to minimize the conflict when you can.

2.  Subtly encourage him to seek supply elsewhere.

When you were a young child (in the case of an N-parent) or first in love (in the case of an N-mate/spouse), you were trained into the role of supporting your narcissist emotionally. You were taught to give attention, care, praise, etc. Maybe this made you feel needed and important...or maybe you were afraid not to provide these things to the narc. Either way, you were an eager and cooperative source of his narcissistic supply.

If you can find any way to do so, pull back on your attentiveness. Don't offer anything that isn't strictly demanded of you. Meanwhile, if you see your narc getting supply elsewhere, encourage that and don't prevent it. If you're fortunate, you may be able to shift yourself out of his main field of attention and have a bit more freedom.

[Sidebar: I am highly uncomfortable recommending you encourage your narc's abuse of some other poor individual. This is something to employ as a last resort for your own survival, until you are able to escape the narcissist altogether.]

3.  As much as you are able, turn your focus from the narcissist to positive things.

It's commonplace for narcissist victims to think about their narcs constantly. We become hypervigilant, watching frantically for the next crisis to occur, imagining in advance what it might be. We ponder the injustices, nurse our wounds, inwardly lament our lot. We focus on our fear, our anger, our shame. All these emotional responses are perfectly normal and natural. To a certain extent they are even necessary survival mechanisms.

The problem is if we dwell too much on these things, they will slowly destroy us. Misery, fear, anxiety and other negative emotions evoke destructive brain chemicals and trigger physical problems all over the body. Sickness, depression, and all manner of badness follows.

You need some happiness to survive, and that means learning to enjoy the good things in life even while you endure the bad. You need to resist the temptation to "run scenarios" of future disasters, and learn to trust that if the bad comes, you can deal with it just as effectively by instinct in the moment than if you had rehearsed ahead for hours in your imagination. You need to turn from focusing solely on the narc's demands and think about yourself, your needs, and the things you do that satisfy them. You need to learn to fully experience and appreciate the good times in your life: time spent on a hobby, a lunch with a friend, a game with your kids, even just a pretty sunrise, a tasty cookie, a smile from a clerk at the supermarket.

To achieve these things, I recommend you investigate the practice of mindfulness. There are wonderful sources all over the internet, and excellent books galore, on this approach to living life more in the moment. Mindfulness is a scientifically proven stress reducer. It helps PTSD sufferers recover. It is useful for anyone trying to find a more peaceful existence or get their rampaging negative emotions in check.

Meanwhile, I also encourage you to consider the possibility of meditation. This practice can work beautifully hand-in-hand with mindfulness to reduce stress and its negative effects on the mind and body. Even ten minutes a day can be absolutely transformative for those who feel their lives are out of control and that they are at the mercy of their emotions.

4.  Continue your research.

Keep reading online or in books about narcissists and what it's like to be victimized by one. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand what is happening to you, the more in control you will be even if you cannot fully escape your narcissist.

5.  Keep a journal.

A secret one of course! Expressing your thoughts about what is happening to you is a good way to vent, and can also help clarify issues and suggest solutions. I pooh-poohed this idea until I tried it myself, and it was a great help to me.

6.  Make sure you have support.

I went completely alone in dealing with my narcissist ex-husband, except for relying on the love of my very young daughters. That was no way to live and it probably was a big factor in my staying with him as long as I did. Confide in a trusted friend or relative. Seek counseling. Talk to your pastor. For practical matters, consider having a lawyer involved as well.

You may learn that it's hard to find people who understand your situation, especially if they know your narcissist too and have been (as usually happens) bamboozled by his charms and outwardly attractive appearance. Make sure your support network includes someone who really gets it and believes you....this is essential. If you can't find anyone in your present acquaintance to fit the bill, find someone online. I heartily recommend the Narcissist group on SupportGroups.com, where I am involved at the time of this writing. There are many victims of narcissists posting there (you can read what they have to say anonymously without joining if you want), and the best thing they do is prove to fellow victims that they are not crazy, or bad, or messed up.

7.  Strive towards the ultimate goal of no contact.

I pray you will find ways to alleviate the struggle of having to interact with your narcissist. Only a fellow victim truly understands how hard it is. I also encourage you to act toward the eventual total break from this terrible person, and keep that hope before you to sustain you. The sooner that day comes, the better--and I hope it will be soon!

What is staying with my narcissist doing to me?

I'm sure you have a lot of answers to that question yourself. He is tormenting you, hurting your self-image, confusing you, immobilizing you. But there's a way of looking at all this that I think is very important for every victim of a narcissist.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster."

Those of us who fight narcs are indeed doing just that--fighting monsters, beings who desire their own pleasure at any cost, without conscience, without empathy, without mercy, and who are incapable of reform. In wrestling with them every day, verbally, emotionally, we are locked in combat with creatures who use the worst possible trickery and deceit. This is not a matter of a white knight jousting a black knight. Think instead of a priest battling a demon.

The narcissist will do all he can to confuse you, convincing you his lies are truth. He will belittle you and persuade you that you are crazy, or weak, or despicable. And meanwhile, he has everyone around you convinced that he is smart, attractive, kind, together, and utterly sane. Now combine this with his skill at controlling and intimating you through shame and fear, as if you were prisoner in a foul, dank dungeon without hope of escape.

It's no wonder so many victims of narcissistic abuse turn to alcohol and drugs to numb their pain, or go into deep depressions, unable to get out of bed to face the day. It's no wonder they have panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, cry uncontrollably or lash out in rage.

Then there are those victims who are so successful at playing the game, burying their pain and sublimating their anger that they detach from much of reality. These are the types most likely to suffer post traumatic stress syndrome once free of their narcissist.

No matter how you individually cope with the abuse, one thing is sure: it's turning you into a monster. The narc by nature is trying to drive all goodness from you--your happiness, love, pride, hope, joy, and aspirations for the future. He wants to make you into a monster in your own right, his pet monster, unable to function or do good. If you have to drink or take drugs to get through your day, you are not the person you were born to be. If you are emotionally crippled, or your physical health is suffering, or you contemplate suicide, you are not the person you have every right to be.

Do you want to become a monster? I didn't think so!

The way to avoid this fate is to NOT fight. The best thing to do is FLEE. Only by removing the narcissist from your life, avoiding contact with him as much as you can, forgetting him as much as you're able, and moving ahead in life without that toxicity, can you become fully human again.

I recognize, as always, that this isn't easy. Splitting with a narc can require such sacrifices as losing your home, your kids, other relatives, friends, money, your reputation. You may still be in love with him or feel another sort of familial duty. You are probably terrified of repercussions of all sorts.

But I can say to you unequivocally that to the extent that you stay tied to your narcissist, you will remain under the power of the monster. You will not be able to live a happy, fulfilled life. No matter how hard you work to appease him, you will still be a prisoner, and you will be not yourself, but the monster he wants you to be.

Two words: No contact.

And a few more words: For those of you who can't go no contact, for example who share children with a narc, I will have some advice and suggestions for minimizing the monster's power over your life in the next post.

How can I find the strength to fight my narcissist?

You've heard the expression about combat, "Take the high ground"? That's because the high ground is a strategical advantage in warfare. It's a position of power, a clearer and broader viewpoint, easier to defend.

Well, victims of narcissists always have to start fighting from the low ground, and that's the challenge. The narc, with his abundant self-love, perfect self-image, charm, and ruthlessness always has the advantage. His victim is hampered by poor self-image, years of being intimidated into submission, self-doubt, and confusion. She is also at a disadvantage because she has moral compunctions and cares for others. She may still feel love and concern for her narcissist. She may be hindered by caring about other loved ones standing in the cross-fire...especially shared children or other family members.

All these factors typically keep you, the victim, in thrall--trapped and feeling powerless for years. It may seem like there is no escape, no hope. My mom never saw a way clear of the fortress in which my father trapped her, and she died still under his control even while her heart rebelled. Whether you have decided to break from your narc or are still struggling to determine if you should try, undoubtedly you too feel little confidence in your possibilities of success.

I would like to suggest to you that since you are reading this, since you have entertained the possibility of freedom if not actually chosen to pursue it, that means there has already been some sort of crack in your narcissist's armor. There is already a breach, no matter how small, in the foundations of the prison in which he holds you.

You have seen that you are a victim, that evil has been done to you, and there is already a flame burning in your heart, a desire to escape. That desire, dear friend, is your ultimate weapon against your captor. It is the very thing the narc fears most. The stronger it grows, the less power he has.

The tiny flicker of knowledge that he is a twisted soul who has managed to imprison you
means
he no longer controls all your thoughts and beliefs.

The little flame of hope that you can find a way out
means
he no longer has your will completely enslaved.

The rising flame of anger
means
your self-esteem is growing.

The low burning fire of determination
means
his techniques of intimidation and punishment are losing their efficacy.

The brightly burning fire of your first steps of rebellion
means
you are now tapping into the energy of your formerly quenched, natural drive toward happiness.

The roaring blaze of defying him
means
in the end you are going to win, because you have already begun shattering his weapons.

So I say, cling to your desire to be free and happy, believe you can be no matter what he says and does, and do everything you can to nurture the fire.

And remember, you have something else on your side that he doesn't: you have good. He is a force for evil, and as long as he had your cooperation, you were a force for evil too, even though you didn't want to be. Deny him the weapons of your sympathy, pity, and even your general compassion for others. Anything you give him will not be used for his benefit, only for your further torment. Now you have switched sides, and the contest is now one vs. one. Do all you can to remind yourself that you are in the right, you are fighting on the side of love and happiness. Until you are fully free and clear of him emotionally, be steadfast in your rebellion. The longer you hold strong, the easier it will become.

Take one step, then the next, and if you fall back, keep going. And hold before you the beacon of your desire to be happy--no matter what, don't let it die, and you will win.

Will a narcissistic father make it hard for me to judge potential mates properly?

If you are a female raised by a narcissist father, there is a strong risk of your dating and marrying another narcissistic man. I fell into this trap and it cost me a lot of years of happiness, so I want to try to help other girls and women like myself to avoid doing what I did.

Young girls naturally learn a great deal about the nature of males by watching their fathers. They also learn how husbands treat their wives by watching how their dads treat their moms. Narc fathers demand that their wives and children cater to them. They don't show empathy. They are always right and no one is allowed to refute or disobey them. The mother of the family typically cowtows to the N-dad because he has successfully crushed her will, so she usually encourages the children to do as she does, even if on some level she resents her husband. Thus, both by mimicking the mom and according to her instruction, a daughter follows in her footsteps and fears and obeys Dad.

Knowing nothing different, a little girl will assume her narcissist father is simply a normal adult male. She may even feel uncomfortable around "nice" adult men, not understanding their behavior. And certainly when it comes to attraction, she will be drawn to males who are like what she knows: demanding, self-absorbed types.

There is another key factor at play which makes matters even worse. Undoubtedly the daughter of a narc father has been taught to please the man at all costs, and probably made to feel she will never quite succeed in pleasing Dad. This is especially bad in a situation where there is a "Golden Child" in the family, and the father uses triangulation... treating the Golden Child like she is perfect, while constantly putting down the Victim Child for not measuring up to the sibling. As this daughter grows up, she will be desperate to prove herself by being desirable to and loved by another difficult male figure.

Along comes another narc guy, seeking a female victim, especially one that will be driven above all to please him. He can show this young woman the slightest potential for love and admiration, and she will be eating out of his hand. Before long he can lapse into the same abusive behaviors as her father, and since she only expects that kind of treatment, she won't even dream of leaving him.

Next thing you know, the narcissist/victim relationship repeats itself.

How can you, as a narc's victim, break out of this pattern? Can you ever trust yourself to fall for a decent guy?

Well, of course you can. The first step has already been taken: you recognize that your father is a narcissist. If you break down his behaviors and understand how he was manipulating you, you can easily learn to recognize how these sorts of men operate. You may still find yourself attracted to narcissistic men--guys that are showy, self-confident, haughty, and controlling--but you know now that they absolutely can't give you what you are really looking for. All they offer you is more pain.

You may find yourself feeling a bit like the nice guys are "too easy to please," and therefore their affection doesn't have value. But this is just your training talking, telling you that the thing you most desire is to appeal to the man who is tyrannical and has impossible expectations, and ultimately meet those expectations and prove yourself. You can escape that training, and see this as the Impossible Dream it always was. You can substitute for that Impossible Dream the hope of receiving real love from a kind, empathetic man who wants to care for you and make you happy.

You may also have been made by your narc father to feel like you are undesirable, you don't deserve to be loved. You may feel hopeless or desperate or unwilling to open yourself up to other men. Again, this is all your training talking--it isn't real. The more you recognize and understand what has been done to you, the more you will see reality. That includes recognizing you are a good person, someone desirable, someone who deserves to be loved. Don't listen to the voice of the narc in your head. Find your own voice, the voice of truth, and give yourself time to get in sync with reality.

The fact that you have survived a narcissistic relationship actually makes you better equipped to choose a good mate. You have an intimate knowledge of a whole array of bad relationship techniques and experiences, so that when you encounter them again, alarms will go off at once. It will not be your first rodeo, and you can apply what you know from experience to help you act wisely.

And remember that narcissists are an aberration in human society, and there really are plenty of good men in the world. You truly will recognize them when you get to know them...I did, and I was only a couple months out of a 15 year marriage to a narc. The utterly refreshing character of my new guy was easy to spot: his honestly, guilelessness, and genuine desire to love someone were crystal clear to me, and I married him two years later. We've been together now for 22 years and counting.

Getting over a childhood of narcissistic abuse is not easy, but it most certainly can be done--you can do it. Take the time to recover, and you will learn to make fine choices, regain your confidence, and recognize people you can trust...even someone you can trust to love you for many years to come.