Is there any way I can get revenge on my narcissist?

In my last post I talked about just some of the reasons why we are angry and bitter while recovering from narcissistic abuse (really, the list of all those reasons would be very long!). It all seems so unfair, and can make a person desperate for revenge. Such feelings can make a person fixate on the seemingly impossible task of "making the narc pay for his/her crimes." Is there nothing you can do?

Well, first of all, here are a few things not to do to try to get revenge on your narc:

• Try to get him to admit his crimes and apologize.
• Lash out at him with all your anger and hatred.
• Conduct a campaign to convince all your family and friends that he's a monster.
• Find a new love to throw in his face, or some other form of showing off to him that you're fine.

All these things have a common theme, and that is, proving to your narcissist that he is the villain and you his victim who deserves retribution. These facts are objectively true all right, but they are utterly meaningless to the narc. If he's thinking about you at all anymore, he's perfectly willing to admit (to himself) he was the villain and you his victim. He's proud of that, not ashamed--you will never get an apology. And whatever you're trying to prove by your actions--dissing him publicly, flaunting how great you're doing--is just more evidence to him that you are still agonizing over him. That means he's still the star of the show, which is just the way he likes it.

[Sidebar: It's fine to share the whole truth about you and your narc with very close family and friends whom you know will support you. But when it's your word against his as to which of you is bad or crazy, general public opinion will always be swayed his way. Mr. Charm has more talent for looking good and influencing people than you ever will. So best not to play that game and set yourself up for yet more abuse!]

But don't despair. You do have a weapon that not only beats the narc like a sword, but protects you like a shield, and it's called "No Contact." The graphic I'm sharing here says it all better than I could, but I will keep talking anyway because I agree with it so much!

Narcissists do need people--they need them for attention, ego-stroking, obedience, and cringing devotion. They need these things, this narcissistic supply, as much if not more than normal humans need love. We know how much, because a narcissist was willing to basically sell his soul to the devil to make sure he gets this supply. No price is too high to pay, even becoming totally toxic and evil.

Losing a source of supply that they have come to depend upon is not a happy thing for a narc. Sure, he moves on with amazing ease. You become nothing to him in moments. That's because once he realizes your well of devotion has dried up--or finds a better source--he has only one goal in mind and that is to replace you as soon as possible.

All this said, if you feel like there's no way to beat a narcissist, you're wrong. The moment you decide to go No Contact, he is well and soundly beaten. He may panic and try to get you back, or he may just go on blithely, but the war for your soul is over and you have won. He won't admit that to you or anyone else, but under his seemingly happy, successful, carefree exterior, he knows he lost.

He felt arrogant and proud over his domination of you for a long time, and now that's gone. He drew tremendous enjoyment from his power over your every thought, feeling, and action, and now that's over. He put a ton of effort into molding you into precisely what he needed in his life, but now he has to go through the work of finding your replacement and molding that person.

In short, losing a victim to No Contact is the greatest setback, the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist. And you, my friend, are the one who ran him through with that agonizing sword.

So, let that idea of conventional vengeance go. Down that road lies misery. Instead, follow this second graphic, this fine quote from Socrates. This is a time not for ruminating about punishing your narc, but for focusing on the countless wonderful opportunities for happiness that are yours now that you are without him. Process your grief, work through the issues of your abuse, then leave him in your past and have as little as possible to do with him ever again.

Congratulations...you win!

Why does everyone blame me for what happened with my narcissist?

One of the unfortunate things about dealing with a narcissist is the fact that they are such great bamboozlers. This, of course, is how they snagged you in the first place, and one of the reasons they kept a grip on you for months and years.

But the narc's ability to charm and impress is a double curse for his victim: He also bamboozles everyone around you. After your break-up, you are a mess of tears, rage, and confusion. You don't know how to begin explaining to friends, family, or co-workers what happened to you, and if you manage to try, they don't seem to believe you. Meanwhile he's cool as a cucumber, happily moving on with life and possibly already making the scene with your replacement. And/or he may be spreading the word about how he tried to make it work with you, but you went nuts and refuse to listen to reason. He appears as whatever will move/impress his audience the most: sympathetic, long-suffering, and sweet to some...reasonable, mentally healthy, and thriving to others.

So not only are you dealing with your past abuse, you can't seem to find anyone to understand or support you. And you have to watch him carry on blithely as if nothing happened, he's happier than ever, and he's the one behaving like a normal, sensible human being.

This is obviously an acutely painful, miserable place to be. Sometimes it can make you wish you were back with the narc because that was easier.

As we've discussed elsewhere, it truly can be hard to find people who understand and support you. Very few people have even heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, much less understand how it works, and unless you know a narc or study them, you would never imagine such people existed among us. The things about your narc which are hard for you to believe and understand are even harder for others to believe and understand. It's not impossible to explain about NPD and narcs to others, but you probably will only want to go through that effort with a chosen few. (You might refer them to this blog or other websites so they get support and further explanation from an impartial third party.) But no one is likely to get it unless they are told, and even then will probably be confused.

Sometimes it can help a little to tell those people in your life who trust and respect you something like this: "I know you'd never guess it from knowing so-and-so, but he's emotionally abusive and hurt me a lot." You may get a "that's crazy--but he's always so kind/sweet/helpful/pleasant/etc." Then you can point out, "Yes, that's how he got me to fall for him. But as soon as he got me there, he changed. I couldn't believe it either for the longest time. He really sucked me in--I was so fooled that when the real him appeared I told myself it couldn't be happening. But it did, and I put up with it for a long time, but it was destroying me so I had to get away from him."

Sometimes people are going to argue with you--or just not believe you--and in the end there's nothing you can do about that. Just like there's nothing you can do about his appearing to be so happy and thriving without you. As you well know, you're powerless to bring him down...even if you were the kind to spread malicious gossip about him like he does about you, he'll win that battle every time, consummate charmer that he is.

When these things happen, it's okay to cry about the injustice, to fly into a rage at what he's doing without you or to you, to feel lonely and misunderstood. Let yourself weep or scream in the privacy of your own home or in the presence of those who support you. Then step back, acknowledging the okayness, healthiness, and normality of those emotions, but not letting them define to you who you are. Don't let them tell you any toxic stories, like "I'll never win," "I'll never be happy again," "I can't get over this unless something bad happens to him," or "I'll always be alone." 

Yes, this is happening to you and it won't be completely over for awhile. Yes, it really sucks that the reality of the situation is hidden from so many people's eyes. But honestly, your life is starting again now without the bad element in it that got you in this situation. You literally have nowhere to go but up. You survived--all by yourself--all the things he did to you, and you got free or are getting free.

In fact, you are winning, whether anyone knows it or not. You will be happy again. You are going to be fine and won't even bother caring anymore what happens to him. 

And you aren't alone, even if no one you know personally gets it. The world is teeming with narc victims like you, and they are an amazingly supportive group in my experience. I recommend you seek out some, either through a therapist or counselor who may know others, or online. Many narc victims have blogs that are full of thoughts and feelings that will confirm yours. And I highly recommend the Narcissist group at www.supportgroups.com, where your brothers and sisters in this sort of abuse are happy to listen and help.

Above all, NEVER BLAME YOURSELF. You didn't ask to be abused, and it's not your fault. I get it, and anyone who was able to understand would feel the same.

Is there anything I can do to reduce the freaking out caused by my narcissist?

One thing about life with a narcissist, or life when recovering from a narcissist...it's subject to freakouts.

There are a many different sorts of experiences that can trigger a freakout. No doubt some of these examples will strike you as familiar:

• sudden, unexpected explosive behavior by the narcissist
• a shocking realization or discovery of something terrible the narc has done
• seeing a text, email or caller ID indicating the narc is trying to contact you
• a reminder or memory of an encounter or experience with the narc, positive or negative
• your own mind suggesting you are in trouble, in danger, or about to be mistreated by the narc
  
  

Meanwhile, there are all kinds of freakouts that can strike you, including, but sadly not limited to:

• bouts of dizzying confusion
• waves of crippling terror
• the grip of anxiety seizing your stomach
• sinking guilt
• shame that makes you want to hide in a closet
• mind-numbing grief and hopelessness
  
  

I call these things "freakouts" because they come upon you without warning, blindsiding you and knocking you down before you even have a chance to put up any defenses. You barely recognize what's happening before you are already in the grip of terrible emotions, losing control and powerless to fight.

Or are you really totally powerless?

It may seem that way, when the emotions are upon you. But there is a tool you can try, to take back some of the power. It's a little exercise called STOP. It's a technique associated with the scientifically-proven Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program.

Here's what you do:

STOP -- Pause your thinking, and whatever you're doing, for just a second.

TAKE a few deep breaths -- Before you resume anything, breathe. Don't think about what's happening to you, or how you're feeling, or what you're thinking. Those things can wait the few seconds that this step will take. Focus only on your breathing and how it feels.

OBSERVE what is happening -- Now you can ask yourself, what exactly are you feeling and thinking? Give it a name: fear, guilt, confusion, anger, panic, whatever it is. Don't try to force it away, don't judge it, just look at it with gentle curiosity so you can identify it.

PROCEED -- Carry on with the moment.

You'll be surprised how often doing this enables you to create a space, a break in the cycle between thoughts and feelings. How does that cycle work?

1-Trigger occurs --> 2-Painful emotional response --> 3-Negative thoughts --> 4-Thoughts create a negative narrative --> 5-You believe that narrative --> 1-The narrative triggers another emotional response --> etc.

But the STOP exercise breaks the chain between steps 2 and 3. And in doing so, it keeps the pain from escalating into a freakout. It can even create enough of a wedge that the pain is diminished, especially if you insert more positive thinking at step 3.

For example:  You see a text has come through on your phone from your narc. Your instantaneous response is to feel a wave of panic and dread fill your belly. Without STOP, the next step will likely be something like you think, "Oh god--he's going to yell at me, he's going to make me cry, what did I do? Why can't he just leave me alone, I can't take this, it's going to kill me!" You listen to yourself create a scene in which he's mean, you cry, you feel helpless, you have a breakdown. Looking at that scene upsets you even more. By the time you look at the text, you are in full freakout mode and it doesn't even matter what the text turns out to be.

With STOP, you feel the wave of panic and dread. You pause, take a deep breath, and think about how that breath feels filling your lungs, how the air feels coming into your nose, then you exhale and notice how that is, and you repeat that a few times. Then you turn your attention to your body. You acknowledge the fear in your gut. You think, "Well, that's natural, I don't know what this text will say, and based on experience, I fear it will be abusive." You extend a little tenderness to yourself, understanding you've been a victim and it's natural to have fear. Then you think about what the text really is and isn't: It's a digital message you can do with as you see fit, it's not a man with a club threatening your life. You recognize that you have the wherewithal to do what you need to do after reading the text.

It may amaze you how that pause, that reflection on your breathing, is actually enough to help you react completely differently to the very same stimuli than you would without practicing STOP. It really can make the difference between a freakout and a completely tolerable reaction.

Next time you're hit with one of those nasty triggers that are part of the life of a narc's victim, give STOP a try.