Do I have to cut ties with my narcissist's family and friends?

One of the people I've worked with on SupportGroups.com asked me this question. Because of course if you have a long-term relationship with someone, you will likely have mutual friends, and possibly have gotten close to his parents, siblings, or other relatives. This makes it tough when you arrive at the point when you want to go no-contact. 

What if these family members still want to stay in touch, and even seem supportive because they recognize the issues with the narcissist? What if these friends press upon you their desire to still socialize with you? Do you really have to cut good people out of your life in order to move on? Isn't that throwing the baby out with the bathwater?

These questions don't have black and white answers, and you will need to examine both your specific situation and your current state of mind to figure out what's right for you.

One principle to keep in mind is that, at least in the short term, your number one priority is to escape the influence of your narcissist. That's the whole point of no-contact, after all. You don't cut the narc out of your life to punish him--you do it in the interest of a healthy and happy future for you. So ask yourself, what are your true motivations for wanting to keep the adjunct people in your life? If any of these reasons include any element related to the narc, then that's a warning sign.

For example, perhaps on some level you think staying involved with his best friend will allow you to "keep tabs," monitor how the narc is doing, if he might be wanting to get you back, or has met someone new, is missing you, or is going on without the slightest qualm. Maybe you want to continue to nurture a relationship with his parents so you can prove you are a better person than he is, that they don't want to lose you because you have value to them. Maybe you simply want to cling to these relationships because they feel like they're all you have left of the lost narcissist.

Things like this indicate that your interest in these people is tainted with a continuing interest in your narc, and that's exactly what you don't need. You are working to get to a point where you don't need to prove anything to yourself or to him regarding your worth. You are striving to let go of caring about him, or caring what he thinks of you. You are looking to yourself and those who love you for validation, and making the present and future a safe and happy place for you, without the toxicity which you have managed to survive.

It is possible that your affinity for these other people is actually not related to your narc in any way. You may have a mutual friend who has become a huge supporter and has actually been helping you to cut the ties with your narcissist. Perhaps even his family members are "on your side." The idea that keeping a person such as this in your life is not out of the realm of possibility.

But I still offer one caveat:  If staying involved with such a person means staying involved with your narcissist for more than the very short term, even as a topic of conversation, be careful. Your ultimate goal is a time in your life when you can go days, weeks, even months, without giving the narc a thought. You are looking to build up the relationships, interests, hobbies and goals that take you back to your true self, and forward to new and exciting places.  If, and only if, this person can move on with you in that way, then go for it!

In these days of social media, no-contact is a huge challenge. But you may know from experience how seeing just one status update or reading one tweet pertaining to your narc's life can ruin your day and set back your progress tremendously. It's important to review the connections you have to the friends and family of your narcissist, and block or de-friend as you need to for your own peace of mind. As the victim of emotional abuse, you absolutely have that right.

And that goes for social gatherings, texting, phone calls, and all the rest, too. You can do your best to explain if you have to terminate a relationship due to the break-up with your narc...but in the end, you don't have to convince anyone you're doing the right thing. Except, that is, yourself. And trust me, if that relationship is causing your narcissist's presence in your life to linger, you have every reason to let it go.

How do I explain my narcissist to other people and refute his lies about me?

Everybody gets it when a marriage or familial relationship ends over normal reasons like sexual or physical abuse or infidelity. Even incompatibility can make sense to others as the reason you split with a spouse or mate. The situation is not so easy when you are involved with a narcissist.

First of all, as I've explained before, the minds and hearts of narcissists are so alien from what normally constitutes human psychology, we regular humans could never guess such creatures exist. Unless your family members, friends, and associates have personally dealt with a narcissist, they may find it very hard to believe what is going on beneath your narc's exterior.

Consequently, you may find other people struggle to believe your claims about your narc's behavior. You'll get things like "but he's always been really sweet to me," and "I can't believe he would do something like that," and "but some of the fault for that must have been yours...are you sure you didn't provoke him?" Most narcs are great at coming across to everyone but their victims as upstanding and wonderful people. Frustrating as it is, it's not surprising others view your narc positively...and never dream a human being is capable of the things he has done to you.

This is part of the reason it's so commonplace for the narc's victim to be viewed as the person responsible for the breakup. Another is that while you are confused and struggling with guilt, shame, and other emotions that keep you silent, the narc is delighted to fabricate stories and spread them wildly. You are trying to make sense of what happened to you. He's playing the victim, garnering sympathy, and badmouthing you with lies.

So what can you do? How can you hope to make any headway in being understood when in a circumstance like this?

There are some ways to fight back and cope.  Here are a few:

1. Start by understanding what has happened to you and how a narc operates. Read all you can, discuss NPD with your counselor or support group if you have one. Get the full picture so you are able to articulate with conviction your situation.

2. Determine a trusted family member or friend who you think will get it. Even if there's only one person, feeling like someone who understands and is on your side will be a great comfort and confidence builder. Look for someone who knows you well and believes in you, and/or someone who has glimpsed the "dark side" of your narc. Talk through whatever you are comfortable with sharing with that person. (I really recommend checking out the Support Group's Narcissist group.)

3. Put your situation in terms others will understand. Everyone knows what it means when you use terms like "emotionally abusive" and "bullying." If you need to explain the breakup to someone and are comfortable with using these sorts of words in their presence, sometimes this will suffice. When talking to my elderly father's caretakers about our estrangement, I said things like "he bullied me and my mom all my life" and "he was emotionally abusive to me."

4. Remain calm and rational when discussing your narc. It's not always easy, but by appearing completely lucid and emotionally balanced, you are increasing your likelihood of being listened to. Calmly stating "I was emotionally abused privately for years--I never let on" is better than ranting "he's evil--he tortured me--I'm practically suicidal!" He is evil, he did torture you, and you may understandably be feeling suicidal, but you won't do your cause any favors by expressing yourself in a way that makes others uncomfortable or scared.

5. Pick your battles. Not everyone needs to know what happened to you. Examine each situation individually. It's not that important if people you don't even know are hearing negative things about you on Facebook. It is important that if your child is acting out in school because of abuse by your narc husband, you have conferences with teachers and counselors about the truth.

6. Don't put too much weight on what others are saying or thinking. This is one of those things that is completely out of your control. Slight acquaintances or people who don't know you are the ones most likely to judge you harshly, and they have little to do with your actual happiness. Meanwhile, you actually can influence the important people in your life by sharing the truth with them. The ones who believe you are always the ones that are actually of value to you as friends and family members. And even if they don't get it, they probably still love you and want to support you. People who truly care won't judge you negatively.

And in the end, no one else's opinion of you matters even a fraction as much as your opinion.

It is your own opinion that most shapes your day-to-day reality. You know the truth, you know you are a good person who deserves love and happiness. Don't let your narc's lies or his influence on others alter your self-image. What matters in the end, what will matter the most in your life to come, is the reality of who you are. It is that love of and belief in yourself that will carry you forward and shine for all to see.

How can I reduce the pain my narcissist is causing me?

Whether you are still with your narc, have broken away but still have contact, or have successfully gone no contact, chances are you're still experiencing pain from the relationship.

There are reminders of the happy marriage, family, or childhood you wish you could have had, but now know will never be yours. There is guilt over what you feel you should have done. There is hurt from whatever punishment your narc is inflicting on you today, and anxiety about what he may do tomorrow. There is loneliness if no one seems to understand...and even loneliness for the parent or partner you convinced yourself you had in spite of his or her cruelties.

It's natural and normal to experience all these things, and you should never feel ashamed or guilty for your suffering. Remember, you are the victim and never chose a life that included such pain. You also shouldn't stifle natural emotions...that will lead to other problems like PTSD. It's important to recognize what you're feeling, give it a name, and acknowledge it.

However, you don't have to let suffering be your master or define who you are.

Here is a very important principle that I completely believe in:

That which you pay attention to grows.

If your narc does something cruel, and you focus on it the rest of the day, it will dominate your thoughts and feelings. If you let yourself feel the sting, acknowledge that it is normal and understandable, then let it go and focus on something positive, you can make that cruelty smaller.

If you spend all day Facebook stalking your ex, fueling your anger and resentment, you will have a day full of anger and resentment. If you block him or unfriend him, and instead use the time to pamper yourself, enjoy a good book, spend some time helping a friend, or some other positive activity, you will have a day that includes some happiness.

Of course it's important to keep in mind always that you are the victim of a narcissist, and are dealing with the issues that come with that. It can be very helpful to talk about those issues with nurturing people, or to read about them, or to do some journaling about your feelings. But it's even more important to start changing your identity from "the victim of my narc" to "ME." Rekindle old interests, take up a new hobby that has always appealed to you, spend quality time with loved ones, make plans for your new future.

Put your attention on yourself, who you are, what you enjoy, whom you love. Make those things as big as you can, for you have a lot of control over how big they are. Your focus and attention is a wonderful tool, and now is the time to start using them to make your life easier.