Should I have sympathy for my narcissist?

Decent people care about individuals who are afflicted with mental health issues. They even feel compassion for regular people who just seem to have less than desirable personalities. Every one of us faces challenges in life, including poor parenting, bad luck, and struggles with being who we want to be, and you can always find understandable reasons why people are flawed.

Every narcissist has his own problems and his own story too, including the fact that he has a personality disorder that is absolutely untreatable. Shouldn't people feel bad for narcissists? Shouldn't you maintain some sympathy for your narc's lot in life?

The answer to the first question is a qualified yes. The answer to the second is an unequivocal no.

In the abstract, indeed we should be sad that some of our species lack the key elements of decency that, essentially, are what make us human beings. Whether they are the victims of their own circumstances or they deliberately chose to cast aside their humanity (and I personally believe it's the latter), it's a sorry state of affairs. It's a fate no one would wish on her worst enemy. When people feel bad for narcissists it's because those people are caring individuals who natural feel empathy...and it's never a bad thing to be generous of spirit.

However, it's important to keep in mind that there are lots of people in the world who were dealt a bad hand, who suffered at the hands of cruel parents or a harsh world, but did not become narcissists. Each of us is personally responsible for our choices, and somewhere along the line every narc chose to harden his heart toward the rest of his species. Ultimately that's on him.

And the last people on the planet who should feel sorry for the narcissist are his victims. This is because to do so is to play into the dysfunctional and destructive co-dependent relationship that is classic between narc and victim. He chose you for his source of narcissistic supply because of your empathy. He picked up on your warm and sympathetic nature, your tendency to always put the needs of others before your own, and your bottomless well of forgiveness. He zoned in on you like a vicious predator picks out the weakest animal in the herd.

And to top it off, the narc is a pro at garnering sympathy. He actually feels fine, and far superior to you, underneath that "woe is me" exterior. He is a master at proving he is blameless, everything is your fault, and you owe him an apology and every other gesture of sympathy he craves. Give it to him and you are only perpetuating the dysfunction between you and the very nightmare you are trying to escape.

My narc father rejected me at age 88 because I stood up to him for the first time in my life. He told me he had no more use for me. Shortly afterwards he made a new play for sympathy, but I was cool and detached in my response. My subsequent actions made it clear I was through with indulging him and letting him abuse me. And so he dropped me utterly, like a used Kleenex rather than a daughter.

His health has declined since this event, he is no longer able to leave his nursing home, and it's possible he can't even walk anymore (I really don't know). After a connection lasting 58 years, he has lost touch with his only living close relative. Sometimes I think about this situation, I put myself in his place, and I feel the terrible tragedy of it.

But I don't let myself feel sympathy for him. His life is one of the saddest I have touched personally but I don't permit myself to feel sad for him. I feel sad for me, who innocently suffered his abuse and never got to have a decent father like most people do, simply because he always cared more about his own twisted needs and wants.

When you're tempted to feel sorry for your narcissist, maybe to reach out to him and see if you can offer some help, STOP. Even if he deserved that help--which is doubtful--you are not the person to give it. You are no different than the victim of rape or assault or robbery. Keep your distance, and turn your sympathy toward someone who both deserves it and needs it.

That person is YOU.

Why do I have some good memories involving my narcissist?

We've established that narcissists think only of themselves and never the happiness of others. That would suggest that narcs are incapable of making others happy.

But chances are you can think of plenty of examples of times when you were happy in the presence of your narcissist partner, parent, child, sibling or friend. You had a good time, or you felt connected, or you believed they loved you and approved of you. Does this mean you were living in a dream world, deluded and confused? Or did you truly derive something positive from being around the narcissist?

I have plenty of "fond memories" of times with my narc ex-husband. There were moments of giddy romance, hours of interesting and fun conversation. Likewise, there were occasions with my narc father that I will always remember as joyful: learning from him, laughing with him.

I don't look upon these times in a negative way. That is, I don't so much think of them from the narc's perspective, as times when I was manipulated into seeing a happy, loving reality that just wasn't there. Sure, it's true that on those occasions the narcissist in my life wasn't motivated by wanting the best for me. These were not acts of selfless love, but rather were situations when the narc was seeking the ultimate benefits to himself that would result from treating me kindly at that time. But that doesn't invalidate my happiness in those moments.

Rather, I look at those pleasant occasions from my point of view. I think about my innocence, my trusting nature, my positive outlook on life as the true source of those good times. We truly create our own realities and are ultimately the most responsible for what we take from what happens to us. So I look back with fondness not for my narc father and husband, but for my younger self.

I smile at the childlike wonder I felt when my father taught me things or shared experiences with me, and I warm at the thought of my believing I was worthy of love and protection, even though those things were false. I'm proud of myself for thinking well of the world around me, for being innocent and trusting.

Likewise, I treasure my memories of how I believed in love, romance, and intimacy. It's to my credit that I had faith in my narc husband, even though he proved to be faithless. I'm happy I was capable of love, and that I was trusting and forthright and devoted, and saw my husband as a much better person that he was. I gave up those dreams eventually and embraced the much less happy reality that was actually there, but I'm not sorry for the original outlook I had that brought me joy while it lasted.

So if you have good memories of experiences with your narc, take the credit for those happy moments yourself. They are a reflection not of any good in the narcissist, but of all the good in you, of how your soul naturally seeks the positive and rejoices in the positive things it perceives, regardless of what motivation lies beneath.

There's no need to cast aside your happy memories. Just let them be a reminder of what a good person you are, and encourage you to love and believe in yourself and your ability to make the most out of life.