Why does everyone else think my narcissist is a great person?

Spoilers here if you haven't seen the movie "Frozen" yet! 

Prince Hans of the Southern Isles appears to be the romantic hero of Disney's "Frozen" when he sweeps Princess Anna off her feet in a single evening. He seems to share all her interests, feel exactly like she does, and they even finish each other's...sandwiches.  He's handsome, charming, charismatic, and apparently Anna's dream man.

But in the end the truth comes out: It's all been an elaborate act. In reality Hans is only interested in himself, and he fooled not only Anna but everyone in her kingdom into believing he is a sensitive, beneficent, self-sacrificing leader.

You can make a good case that this Disney character is a narcissist. He certainly feels not the slightest remorse for his cruelties, and is smug and self-satisfied as far as his own morals and behavior. He's the ultimate user, he knows it and is proud of it.

One of the most frustrating things about dealing with a narcissist is that they, like Prince Hans, are brilliant at appearing to be wonderful. Unlike normal people, they do not let their behavior to be a reflection of their true thoughts and feelings. Rather, they gear it always as to be tool, a means to an end. This makes them remarkably successful at getting people on their side, either by impressing them or intimidating them. Their preferred approach with anyone who might, like Anna, be a means to power, is to seem as attractive, good, and wonderful as possible.

So don't be surprised at all if your narcissist is powerful, influential, popular, and considered by all around you to be a great guy. He's put a lot of effort into that while you were busy being genuine, doing and saying what your mind and heart told you to. 

If you're trying to break from your narcissist, you can bet he will redouble his efforts to be charming to anyone and everyone that you would want especially to see the truth about him. That includes any shared children he's fighting for, his new girlfriend, his and your relatives, your friends, your shared Facebook/Twitter friends and followers, the members of your church, therapists and social workers, and the judge deciding your children's custody. He will work hard, and he'll be good at it...he's had a lifetime of practice, including a significant part of time when he wooed you. Don't get too angry at those people; it's far more his fault than theirs. They, like most people, don't even know that narcissists exist or how they operate.

Undoubtedly you feel very driven to show the world what an evil person you've been dealing with, proving his guilt, and getting some justice. Those feelings are normal and understandable, and telling your side of the story is important and totally within your rights. But when you find yourself butting heads with people who just don't understand or believe you, sometimes the only person who gets hurt is you. And you've already suffered enough. Don't seek understanding from those people--you will only waste energy and bring yourself more frustration and disappointment, not to mention the erroneous but powerful feeling that you might be crazy.

Instead, go to people who do understand and believe you, most especially other victims of narcissists who totally get it. Again, I recommend the Narcissists group on www.supportgroups.com, where there are plenty of people who will believe every word you say about your narc because they know narcissists. 

As far as crusading to convince the world your narc is evil, as Elsa would say: "Let it go." The less you think about that crusade, the better off you'll be. And after all, living well is the best revenge. Focus more on your being happy and less on his being miserable, and you will be far better off.

Just how different is a narcissist from regular people?

We've touched on the qualities that make a narcissist:  self-centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of shame, etc. But today I just want to emphasize to you the importance of fully grasping the difference between a narc and human beings like you and me.

I recently read a book by Deepak Chopra in which he talked about soul as the immutable thing that connects all human beings together. Deepak suggested that when we feel love, or selflessness, or empathy for other people, we are connecting to our fellow humans via this spiritual plane that joins us all. I envisioned the realm of soul as a field of light and warmth, over which is placed the physical world like a blanket or sheet. Each one of us is like a tiny hole poked through that sheet, revealing the light of the soul beyond.

It struck me then that narcissists are beings that have chosen to utterly block that hole, to cut themselves off from love and connection. They want to be totally self-contained and self-reliant, trusting no one but themselves. They want to have it all, to share nothing, and therefore abhor the soul connection that brings obligations to other people. In a sense therefore they are soulless. And without a doubt, they are as different from normal human "points of light" as night is from day.

Regardless of whether this model appeals to you, I think the analogy is a good one. Do not for a moment make the mistake that the narcissist has some humanity as you have come to understand that term. If he is acting like he loves you and pouring flattery on you, rest assured this is an act designed to manipulate you. Don't expect him ever to change his ways, sincerely repent of any act, or feel regret, guilt or shame--none of that is in his repertoire. If he behaves generously, kindly, magnanimously towards others, you can bet it's all to keep up the facade of his own goodness. He may fool the rest of the world--narcs are brilliant at that--but don't for a moment let him fool you.

In the online support group where I work to help victims of narcs, I have on two occasions encountered people posting who had read the traits of narcissists and were scared that they were narcs. They felt terrible for the cruelties they inflicted on loved ones, and wanted to know if there was some way they could be cured of their NPD. In both cases I assured the individuals that if they were writing truthfully, they could not possibly be narcissists.

There are most definitely people in the world who are cruel and selfish because they were spoiled as children, because they are deeply insecure, etc. These characteristics are faults we all exhibit from time to time. There are lots of reasons why people become bullies or egotists, and in most cases if they are sincerely interested in changing, they can. There is a difference between such people and narcissists. These individuals are teeny, tiny pinpricks through to the realm of the soul. For that reason they can see their own faults, they can feel guilt for their misdeeds and empathy for those they've hurt. They have the wherewithal to enlarge those pinpricks and access more light.

But not narcissists. Narcissists would call such people weak and stupid. They would laugh at their remorse and find it disgusting. They would inwardly boast of their superiority to such fools. And not in a million years would they have any interest in the light...in fact, they can't begin to understand it.

I don't know why there are people like this in the world...psychologists are baffled by the phenomenon. I wish there were some way to help them, but there's not--they will never change. The important thing to take away from this post is a recognition of the vast difference between narcs and the rest of our species. In all your dealings with them and your decisions concerning them, never let this fact slip out of your attention. None of us were raised even guessing people could be this way, so it takes effort to remember it's true.

Sad, but very true.